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Sibling rivalry: the overthrow of the throne
Very often asking this question. Tell you how we deal with it and cope, we have four children, and experience has accumulated.
First you need to understand that jealousy in one form or another is inevitable. For a child everything changes. Yesterday, he was the only or youngest and Bang! Something small and flashy takes away mom's attention. And my dad's. And now no you are the cutest, and now you have to wait for this miracle eating or sleeping.
Psychologists even have a term for such is "dethronisation" — that is, the overthrow of the throne. About these feelings usually gets the child.
They say that the only difficulty the elder. It is a myth. All individually, depends on the child, his personal characteristics and family relations. Even in one family different children may respond differently to the appearance of the kids. I can say that the middle child has sometimes even harder than the most senior, because the senior position is always privileged.
In one of the books I remember that was a good analogy. Just imagine your favorite husband brings home a second wife. She's good, great. It can be a nice person and even as a woman. But with her arrival, everything changes. Husband is not only your kitchen too, she's touching your pots and hang your curtains on yesterday your Windows. And most importantly husband tells you — well, I love it too, come on love you! Agree, will be difficult.
But about the same as a child. And if in most countries a man can have only one wife, the children we can give birth to as many as you want. And baby we don't ask about it (I must say that this is nothing serious, you give birth to children for themselves, not for older children).
I recommend to do
1. Give the child the right to feel what he feels.You don't have to love brother, to kiss, to take on hands. We decided to give birth, we gave birth to it for yourself, not for you. You have the right to remain cold to him. We still love you at the same time.
If the child you negative feelings is not showing (for example, because you forbid them to feel), not the fact that it really isn't their experience. And repressed feelings — a time bomb. Then the older children the stroller with the youngest for the garages take away (the real story, which, thank God, ended well). Or the window trying to throw out (also a true story, thank God, with a good ending).
2. The maximum time to be given to the senior (or very senior experiencing).Difficult usually adapt the kids in the middle, and a lot of reasons. Average children is not easy. A senior is not easy. Sensitive children is not easy. Although there are those for whom it goes unnoticed.
3. Not being forced to have the baby.He doesn't have to be a nanny and assistant. It is the same your child. It is also small.
But if he takes the initiative — encourage. It can give you diapers, help to choose an outfit, sing songs to the baby while you are in the toilet, look for a pacifier and so on. But only if he wants to.
4. Not to do him as an adult.Yes, compared to the pipsqueak, he seems huge. But this is an illusion. He's the same kid as yesterday when you were pregnant. As it needs your care, like yesterday. Even more than yesterday, because yesterday he felt your love. And he needs to dramatically grow.
5. Be prepared to roll back, regress.He suddenly wants diapers, pacifiers, chest, stroller, sling. Even if it is ten. With the birth of each child our older child will play "I am Lala". Some missing and a couple of days, some people get stuck for a longer period. To allow it to feed with a spoon, do not scold, if you missed the toilet, to take to his bed. It's easy, and many problems are solved. Just play along with them — shake hands, wrap, give a bottle of milk and a pacifier, we're juicing the milk, roll it in a wheelchair. And the problem will be solved faster.
6. To hell with perfectionism.
You will not be able to do with an older all the same as before. Can't all children be given an equal amount of attention. Can't always be available as before. Accept it. You are iron and not rubber. You, too, are alive, and you need to relax. Give what you can, with sincerity and love. That's enough.
7. Not to expel him.Yes, it will be more difficult the first month with a toddler and a senior. But don't try to make life easier, sending our oldest to camp-sad-grandmother. This can aggravate the situation.
It is better to stay at home all together for a month or two, and only then, for example, to go to the garden if necessary.
Don't throw him out of his bed, if he slept more yesterday with you. Not pereselyayte urgently from crib to bed a little more. So the problem can be worse.
As it was we — share, for you it might be important
When was Matthew Dane was almost 4. And I didn't become more difficult. Because Danya and I spent the whole day scratching his back, drew (Matthew was in a sling). And, as it turned out, Dan loves kids. It is now always voluntary babysitter, which does not tear away from them. We do not force, on the contrary, limited places. The difference in 4 years for my mother quite comfortable. Children together, however, then not so interesting.
When Luke was born, Matthew was 3.5. And he suffered a lot. He said it's your baby, they do. Up to six months to him did not fit and sulk if the baby was distracted. We did not force do not impose on him a brother. Six months later, he began to thaw. Now they are best friends except for the moments when the Bow breaks the LEGO Matthew.
When Eva was born, Luke was two and a half. He's just a baby, and for it we suffered greatly. It really touched, and emotions of different work a lot. But not in the direction of the sisters. He loves her and she can be everything. He would be offended at all, but just not on her. His jealousy goes only to my husband, and I'm glad.
Each child has their own form of experiences. It's not even really jealousy, it's a major crisis changes the world.
In my experience, the smaller the difference, the better you can develop relationships between children, but the more goes to parents. When the difference is greater parents much easier, but the children are not so many common interests.
Also interesting: the Conflicts between children in a family: the mistakes made by many parents
Why in the same family are so different children
The period of adaptation to the older baby can be different. The main thing — do not worry. Do not try by all forces to make friends. They will make friends, if you are going to love them and remain calm. If you fall into guilt, this can distort your relationships and create additional problems for the older child. Talk to him, explain, show him photos, tell me how he did the same thing and the baby is now (sat, went, spoke). Give as much as you can. Is still will not work.published
Author: Olga Valyaeva
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: www.valyaeva.ru/detskaya-revnost/
First you need to understand that jealousy in one form or another is inevitable. For a child everything changes. Yesterday, he was the only or youngest and Bang! Something small and flashy takes away mom's attention. And my dad's. And now no you are the cutest, and now you have to wait for this miracle eating or sleeping.
Psychologists even have a term for such is "dethronisation" — that is, the overthrow of the throne. About these feelings usually gets the child.
They say that the only difficulty the elder. It is a myth. All individually, depends on the child, his personal characteristics and family relations. Even in one family different children may respond differently to the appearance of the kids. I can say that the middle child has sometimes even harder than the most senior, because the senior position is always privileged.
In one of the books I remember that was a good analogy. Just imagine your favorite husband brings home a second wife. She's good, great. It can be a nice person and even as a woman. But with her arrival, everything changes. Husband is not only your kitchen too, she's touching your pots and hang your curtains on yesterday your Windows. And most importantly husband tells you — well, I love it too, come on love you! Agree, will be difficult.
But about the same as a child. And if in most countries a man can have only one wife, the children we can give birth to as many as you want. And baby we don't ask about it (I must say that this is nothing serious, you give birth to children for themselves, not for older children).
I recommend to do
1. Give the child the right to feel what he feels.You don't have to love brother, to kiss, to take on hands. We decided to give birth, we gave birth to it for yourself, not for you. You have the right to remain cold to him. We still love you at the same time.
If the child you negative feelings is not showing (for example, because you forbid them to feel), not the fact that it really isn't their experience. And repressed feelings — a time bomb. Then the older children the stroller with the youngest for the garages take away (the real story, which, thank God, ended well). Or the window trying to throw out (also a true story, thank God, with a good ending).
2. The maximum time to be given to the senior (or very senior experiencing).Difficult usually adapt the kids in the middle, and a lot of reasons. Average children is not easy. A senior is not easy. Sensitive children is not easy. Although there are those for whom it goes unnoticed.
3. Not being forced to have the baby.He doesn't have to be a nanny and assistant. It is the same your child. It is also small.
But if he takes the initiative — encourage. It can give you diapers, help to choose an outfit, sing songs to the baby while you are in the toilet, look for a pacifier and so on. But only if he wants to.
4. Not to do him as an adult.Yes, compared to the pipsqueak, he seems huge. But this is an illusion. He's the same kid as yesterday when you were pregnant. As it needs your care, like yesterday. Even more than yesterday, because yesterday he felt your love. And he needs to dramatically grow.
5. Be prepared to roll back, regress.He suddenly wants diapers, pacifiers, chest, stroller, sling. Even if it is ten. With the birth of each child our older child will play "I am Lala". Some missing and a couple of days, some people get stuck for a longer period. To allow it to feed with a spoon, do not scold, if you missed the toilet, to take to his bed. It's easy, and many problems are solved. Just play along with them — shake hands, wrap, give a bottle of milk and a pacifier, we're juicing the milk, roll it in a wheelchair. And the problem will be solved faster.
6. To hell with perfectionism.
You will not be able to do with an older all the same as before. Can't all children be given an equal amount of attention. Can't always be available as before. Accept it. You are iron and not rubber. You, too, are alive, and you need to relax. Give what you can, with sincerity and love. That's enough.
7. Not to expel him.Yes, it will be more difficult the first month with a toddler and a senior. But don't try to make life easier, sending our oldest to camp-sad-grandmother. This can aggravate the situation.
It is better to stay at home all together for a month or two, and only then, for example, to go to the garden if necessary.
Don't throw him out of his bed, if he slept more yesterday with you. Not pereselyayte urgently from crib to bed a little more. So the problem can be worse.
As it was we — share, for you it might be important
When was Matthew Dane was almost 4. And I didn't become more difficult. Because Danya and I spent the whole day scratching his back, drew (Matthew was in a sling). And, as it turned out, Dan loves kids. It is now always voluntary babysitter, which does not tear away from them. We do not force, on the contrary, limited places. The difference in 4 years for my mother quite comfortable. Children together, however, then not so interesting.
When Luke was born, Matthew was 3.5. And he suffered a lot. He said it's your baby, they do. Up to six months to him did not fit and sulk if the baby was distracted. We did not force do not impose on him a brother. Six months later, he began to thaw. Now they are best friends except for the moments when the Bow breaks the LEGO Matthew.
When Eva was born, Luke was two and a half. He's just a baby, and for it we suffered greatly. It really touched, and emotions of different work a lot. But not in the direction of the sisters. He loves her and she can be everything. He would be offended at all, but just not on her. His jealousy goes only to my husband, and I'm glad.
Each child has their own form of experiences. It's not even really jealousy, it's a major crisis changes the world.
In my experience, the smaller the difference, the better you can develop relationships between children, but the more goes to parents. When the difference is greater parents much easier, but the children are not so many common interests.
Also interesting: the Conflicts between children in a family: the mistakes made by many parents
Why in the same family are so different children
The period of adaptation to the older baby can be different. The main thing — do not worry. Do not try by all forces to make friends. They will make friends, if you are going to love them and remain calm. If you fall into guilt, this can distort your relationships and create additional problems for the older child. Talk to him, explain, show him photos, tell me how he did the same thing and the baby is now (sat, went, spoke). Give as much as you can. Is still will not work.published
Author: Olga Valyaeva
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: www.valyaeva.ru/detskaya-revnost/