Relationship with my mother – main in each of our lives. From his birth to the end of her life we go through stages of closeness and distance. How a grown woman to build a relationship with an aging mother, the Director of the Institute of integrative family therapy, systemic family therapist, psychiatrist, candidate of medical Sciences Marina A. Bebchuk.In the relationship of an adult daughter with an aging mother I'd like to distinguish several levels:Cultural level:
In one African tribe, the initiation of the adolescent is as follows: the child hands the mother a bowl of water and, when she had already put a hand, he throws this water on the ground. It symbolizes the onset of his adulthood. When I first heard about this ritual and introduced his mom – my "frost went on the skin."
This is the difference of cultures and perception. We have an unwritten family rules require children to provide parents a decent retirement. It's not just about the financial aspect, but also about the psychological accompaniment of old age. It is the care, attention, leisure activities, securing health care.
Often the interaction of children with their parents formed around care. To find a doctor to take the clinic to the market, to the country... the Cooperation is built like a mother missed her daughter, and she needs, so she organized a trip to the country. Or maybe the daughter doesn't just want to see my mother, she has to bring her medicine. Like we used to look for some justification, a rationale for the manifestation of tenderness and care.Economic level:
The duty to care for their parents is often due to the fear that the pensioner is simply not enough money to live on. However, children do not always have enough money to "feed" the parents. This gives children a sense of guilt, failure, which sometimes leads to irritation of any change in the behavior of the elderly.
Irritation may be powered by fear: if I don't take care of parents, what it will be a lesson to my kids? It seems that if the children will see how I take care of my mother, and I have not a lonely old age, and the same glass of water. These unexpressed feelings of guilt and fear, too, become a barrier between parents and children, disrupting the naturalness of the contact.Family level:
There are two polarities, two types of disorders of normal relations between adult daughter and mother: alienation and fusion (symbiosis). We talked about alienation, the barrier between mother and daughter, and then there are the other pole is the close, symbiotic relationship, even when the 40-year-old daughter, having a family of his own, sees the priority of your mother, and this, of course, affects children and husband. Often alienation, and symbiosis have similar causes.
According to statistics, "breakdown" of the relationship between mother and daughter occurs most often in early childhood. If up to 3 years my daughter is not "saturated" mom, there is a gap that, unfortunately, in most cases cannot be fully compensated later. This gap can be caused by a variety of circumstances: the need for mothers to go to work, to go on a long trip, illness of the child or mother.
Sometimes in such cases the mother passes her daughter in the upbringing of his grandmother, and no matter how caring she may be, internally it may be perceived by the daughter as a betrayal. In more Mature age it can interfere with the relationship of trust with my mom. By the way, a symbiotic relationship occurs when the described separation (or gap) was accompanied by the child's fear (or even terror).
Losing mom or just a thought of separation in the subsequent fixed how hard it is bearable experience. Returning to the mechanisms of exclusion, call another one: the mother may be just "cold", it is not able to give, this phenomenon can also be your reasons.
Following a difficult period in family life when you may transfer or symbiosis, is adolescence. Often the crisis is exacerbated by the strained relationship of mother and father (argument, threats of divorce, divorce) affecting contact between the mother and daughter, in the direction of intimacy, and in the direction of separation.
It happens that in the divorce, the mother prevents her from seeing her father. In response, the girl gets angry and even hate the mother for what she has deprived her father. Behavior daughter expresses these experiences in the protest reactions, disobedience, rudeness. This situation could also be perceived by the child as a betrayal and subsequently inhibit trust contact.Conflicts — contacts
There are situations that are clearly perceived as problematic from the point of view of formation of the parent-child relationship, for example, a mother deprived of parental rights or alcoholized, brings home questionable friends who show violence towards the girl. Of course, in the future daughter can't forgive his mother the humiliation, or, ultimately, betrayal.
However, a good mother can be a big problem with the daughter, if she... a very good mother. We are not always able to "teach by example". Sometimes parental examples evoke a teenager completely opposite behaviours and attitudes.
If the mother strongly supports exemplary level (faithful wife, a great homemaker, successful professional...), then the reaction to the "perfect mother" may be the desire of the daughter as far as possible away from ideal. For example, to abandon his studies, to deny her femininity or daily change partners – that is, to "win" a mother, by choosing the opposite ideals. Of course, this only increases the gap between mother and child.The proximity of without reproach
And yet, many mothers and daughters create a harmonious, warm and enriching relationship. An important condition is, first of all, the balance of relations "mother – daughter" with other forms of activity for both. His mother's relationship with her husband and children, her work and Hobbies. Mother also her daughter should not be the only meaning of life, let it be a time for husband, friends, former colleagues, and cultural life.
It so happens that the daughter complains that my mom doesn't want anything. She was not interested nor theatres, nor read, she has no class, and she lost contact with colleagues and friends. For me it is "exercises". From both the mother and the daughter. The mother is trying to attract the daughter. But for daughter this may be a particular "benefit" – to feel that is always needed, and consequently it is not alone. Relationships are the fruit of the efforts of the two.
The daughter can take on the search of ways of spending leisure time, which would be the mother. Many clubs and centres there are events held specifically for the elderly. In our Institute also have individual and group classes for the elderly. In these sessions, women have the opportunity in a warm supportive atmosphere to talk about painful topics (old age and loneliness, anxieties and fears, insomnia, and overweight). As a result of lessons older women gain confidence, joy, hope, and maybe most importantly – friends.
To a certain extent the organization of free time also comes down to finances, but not so large that it in all cases it played a crucial role. Here more requires a belief on the part of the daughter – to talk about the fact that there are a variety of opportunities and offers classes and programs that is interesting, pleasant, not humiliating, and somewhat prestigious. But the main thing is this – to make it clear that all of these classes are not a replacement for communication with the daughter, instead, and together, in addition to it. To convince my mother in this – the problem daughter.
It is important to free the relationship from unnecessary expectations, anxieties and recriminations. Occasionally I hear from clients these words: "Mother reproaches me that I rarely call". Such statements for me "litmus test", the marker of problematic relations. With such words you can hear from the daughter who says, "I'm worried, worried about his mother, and she has not called". Operation is simple — call — acquires the overtones and distorted meanings. If a person is anxious, he picks up the phone and calling.
The natural relationship of mother and daughter light, then any contact in the joy, and the separation is without anxiety and unnecessary worries. For example, they are happy to go along on a trip or care for a sick grandchild. And after this, there is no rollback to hate: "you never want to see – got it!", but there is a quiet pause, a distancing without irritation, scandal, or angry.A loving look
Sometimes we see parents eyes of fear: fear of loss, fear of their own old age and death. Our opinion then distinguishes and have more and more wrinkles, gray hair, weakness and malaise. But there may be other eye...
Sergey Kovalev: if you Want to succeed in a relationship —observe 3 conditions!Cultural-historical approach in family therapy
It happens that in my own therapy I issue a challenge. I'm asking a grown daughter with a certain frequency to come to my mother, and, sitting on the floor near her sofa or chair, bowed his head to his mother's hand, asking her to tell about their own childhood, meeting my dad or his courtship.
And listen. And while hand to drive on my mother's wrinkled hand. And then we look at the mother through different eyes — full of gentleness and gratitude. This is a rare moment when we can afford to sit on the floor and look up, and rejoice in the fact that there is this hand, even wrinkled.published