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Loneliness teaches a lot. . .
Codependency on the fear of loneliness, and loneliness as a way out of codependency.
What is a codependent relationship?
Codependency It is a pathological condition characterized by deep absorption and strong emotional, social or even physical dependence on another person.
Relationships that have no personal boundaries or are very blurry. Corresponding to understanding what I want, what suits me, what is unacceptable to me, etc. is very blurry. This is not a relationship between two people, but rather some "we"Two halves, as they call it.
Agree, this is a phenomenon that we meet at every step and the state of many of us is familiar.
What happens when one manages to break out of this pleasant and convenient, but at the same time close image of a relationship (whether by one’s own desire or as a result of the partner’s departure)?
If a person’s fusion and codependency are still fine, then it’s absolutely clear to do what he’s done before. Many people build such relationships over and over again. In a hurry to escape from unaccustomed and untapped loneliness, as from the most terrible experience, feeling and way of life. Why man tends back to merging is more or less clear. It's familiar, it's safe, it's the path of least resistance.
But what about not getting into codependent relationships again? There is another way, difficult, but extremely useful for an adult as a separate being, outside the prism of relationships.
To do this, it is necessary to pass the stage of loneliness, if it is not passed earlier (although if a person repeatedly chooses codependency, then he has not passed).
When a person is in a fusion, he does a lot through the prism of "WE". It pushes itself aside and suppresses the partner, the same in turn does his “half”. What this relationship is based on is easy to understand. If I can't live without you, then I'm willing to do anything to keep you from going anywhere. Including not giving a damn about your needs, discontents and dreams if they don’t fit into “WE.” This only creates tension and mutual discontent in the pair.
The point of a period of loneliness is not just to suffer and wait for it to end and a new candidate for a codependent relationship comes along, but to learn to be with yourself. Gradually fill your life with interesting activities, people and events that are right for you. So-called resources.
Of course, in solitude, especially at first, there are difficulties through which not everyone has enough strength to go. This is unlimited freedom, from which anxiety can arise out of habit. But believe me, later it will be a pity to refuse. Periods of pauses, the filling of which a person has not yet fully learned. When I say filling in, I don’t mean staying at work until 11 o’clock in the morning, talking to “anyone just to not be alone” or drinking. I'm talking about something satisfying, pleasant, interesting - about resources.
And so, rather than filling your life so that it brings more joy than suffering, a person does not yet know. It used to be a habit to fill all the pauses in life with the needs of a partner or “WE”. But now we're not. It creates a void. Which, of course, can frighten, oppress and cause a desire to go back.
But Loneliness teaches a lot.. It changes the perception of yourself and others. This leads us to the possibility of a relationship between two “whole” people, rather than “disabled” halves who cannot survive without each other.
©Laura Makabresku
After all, the idea that one person can satisfy us in everything is wrong, even if it is highly romantic. And through the experience of loneliness, it also becomes apparent. For different activities and relationships, we find different ways to satisfy different people.
The most remarkable sign of “separation” and the ability to have a healthy relationship isinterest in another as a personNot as a potential partner. That is, the person becomes interesting and important in himself, and not as part of "WE". His point of view, his way of seeing the world, his interests are fascinating, even if you don't quite share them.
After all, relationships, regardless, are built not on the fear of losing and being alone, but on the ground. desire be together. published
Author: Tamila Dnisheva
Source: yvision.kz/post/437538
What is a codependent relationship?
Codependency It is a pathological condition characterized by deep absorption and strong emotional, social or even physical dependence on another person.
Relationships that have no personal boundaries or are very blurry. Corresponding to understanding what I want, what suits me, what is unacceptable to me, etc. is very blurry. This is not a relationship between two people, but rather some "we"Two halves, as they call it.
Agree, this is a phenomenon that we meet at every step and the state of many of us is familiar.
What happens when one manages to break out of this pleasant and convenient, but at the same time close image of a relationship (whether by one’s own desire or as a result of the partner’s departure)?
If a person’s fusion and codependency are still fine, then it’s absolutely clear to do what he’s done before. Many people build such relationships over and over again. In a hurry to escape from unaccustomed and untapped loneliness, as from the most terrible experience, feeling and way of life. Why man tends back to merging is more or less clear. It's familiar, it's safe, it's the path of least resistance.
But what about not getting into codependent relationships again? There is another way, difficult, but extremely useful for an adult as a separate being, outside the prism of relationships.
To do this, it is necessary to pass the stage of loneliness, if it is not passed earlier (although if a person repeatedly chooses codependency, then he has not passed).
When a person is in a fusion, he does a lot through the prism of "WE". It pushes itself aside and suppresses the partner, the same in turn does his “half”. What this relationship is based on is easy to understand. If I can't live without you, then I'm willing to do anything to keep you from going anywhere. Including not giving a damn about your needs, discontents and dreams if they don’t fit into “WE.” This only creates tension and mutual discontent in the pair.
The point of a period of loneliness is not just to suffer and wait for it to end and a new candidate for a codependent relationship comes along, but to learn to be with yourself. Gradually fill your life with interesting activities, people and events that are right for you. So-called resources.
Of course, in solitude, especially at first, there are difficulties through which not everyone has enough strength to go. This is unlimited freedom, from which anxiety can arise out of habit. But believe me, later it will be a pity to refuse. Periods of pauses, the filling of which a person has not yet fully learned. When I say filling in, I don’t mean staying at work until 11 o’clock in the morning, talking to “anyone just to not be alone” or drinking. I'm talking about something satisfying, pleasant, interesting - about resources.
And so, rather than filling your life so that it brings more joy than suffering, a person does not yet know. It used to be a habit to fill all the pauses in life with the needs of a partner or “WE”. But now we're not. It creates a void. Which, of course, can frighten, oppress and cause a desire to go back.
But Loneliness teaches a lot.. It changes the perception of yourself and others. This leads us to the possibility of a relationship between two “whole” people, rather than “disabled” halves who cannot survive without each other.
©Laura Makabresku
After all, the idea that one person can satisfy us in everything is wrong, even if it is highly romantic. And through the experience of loneliness, it also becomes apparent. For different activities and relationships, we find different ways to satisfy different people.
The most remarkable sign of “separation” and the ability to have a healthy relationship isinterest in another as a personNot as a potential partner. That is, the person becomes interesting and important in himself, and not as part of "WE". His point of view, his way of seeing the world, his interests are fascinating, even if you don't quite share them.
After all, relationships, regardless, are built not on the fear of losing and being alone, but on the ground. desire be together. published
Author: Tamila Dnisheva
Source: yvision.kz/post/437538
"Where are you?" instead of "hello."
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