Loneliness at the top

© john lund

Remember how in the childhood we all played the popular game "king of the hill"? Climb above the yelling, that is urine: "I am the king of the mountain!" And of course, the main goal is to stay on the top, pushing everyone who tries to take your place. But sooner or later someone pulls you by the leg down and you're climbing again. Will it again take a coveted position and shout – unknown. But while scrambling back, you feel insignificant to those who proudly looks upon you from above. And, of course, at any time you can push, because he's upstairs, he knows better. He is the king of the mountain.

Fun game teaches to achieve goals and to win. But not everyone is ready to learn, and not all experiences in this game enjoyable. But imagine for a moment that your whole life – it's a game. Happened? In every person has an inherent desire to build close relationships. A long and satisfying relationship, a strong family and to feel needed is an important part of life.

So what I say here about this? And the fact that this King of the mountain is always lonely. He's all alone at the top of this mountain. After all, whenever someone else, according to the rules there is a struggle and the opponent will inevitably need to either to push or to fall itself. If you fell – I feel humiliated. If you don't fell the thrill of victory comes along with the feeling of loneliness. And again, and again, and again.

Have you ever met such people who always need to fight with someone? A sort of "akalat", which everywhere poke their nose and Express their "authoritative" opinion. In principle, this is good people, and they can even be friends... for some time.

I think you just perfectly communicated, the man is amazingly smart and cute, but there is someone else, and your friend casually somehow humiliates and exposes you to losing the light itself while remaining at altitude. Or another example: your friend really made a great project, you are sincerely admire him and say how he's a professional and he gladly listens. When you get something right, then he publicly announces that it is only because that is what he taught you. It can be said in jest or in earnest, but such situations are repeated with enviable regularity. And in the behavior of such a person betrays that you should be grateful that he communicates with you.

Not very nice.
The more that your luck actually had no connections with it, but as if your success is something hurt him. Isn't that weird?
In fact, for a man to be King of the mountain can be someone, if not himself – then he is a loser. And feel like a failure is to experience the humiliation that he was so familiar from childhood.

Let's get back to childhood. What age do you remember? Probably in 5-6 years the first fragmentary memories. Do you remember how mom felt sorry for you when you were sick? Cried, smashing a knee or selected harmful Bear toys in kindergarten? When I asked one of my client, if she remembered how felt sorry for her mother, she said that never happened. And if she'd break his knees, she felt very ashamed. She felt guilty and tried to hide it from adults, not to deliver them. Very comfortable child, right?

But in my childhood, when mom comforts us kissing and says that all is well, all happens is the first experience of taking another person such complex emotions like pain and fear. And after such acceptance by the mother of our emotions as something natural, there is understanding and acceptance of oneself.

But the mother is the first trainer of intimacy, trust, warmth in relationships. And in many respects depends on it, if we will train our heart muscle to create a warm close relationship with other people or not.

What happens to our child, mother which that same proximity does not generate? His mother in response to emotions doesn't accept them and ignores. And then the child starts feeling that he is different, awkward, not perfect, not perfect mom. And trains a completely different function – to be perfect to win, and win.

I do not want to have the impression that the mother of the child does not like him, she's kind of atypical and evil. Not at all. She also once taught that tears and emotions – it is normal, so vivid emotional reactions of the child seem to her unbearable. She is afraid of the emotions. Hence, it says: "You are to blame, there was nothing to run around outside. Go and anoint the knees with green paint!" or "there was Nothing to give her toys that Bear, next time do not give toys to anybody!", or "there was Nothing to go without a scarf, it's sick! Eat medicine and get well faster". What kind of intimacy?!

Guilt for all the trouble and shame, if this situation is repeated – that is very familiar to such people. The slightest failure, delivered others the inconvenience, or the success of someone close – it is their own humiliation.

Maybe my examples is not entirely clear why the success of others to their hurt. Do you remember the Bear from the kindergarten. Indeed, in this case the Bear, taking the toy was the winner, and our hero, giving her, was defeated. And all this is just a game: who understands the rules – king of the hill, who doesn't understand the loser.
Trainings like: "Become a successful two days!", "Ten ways to overcome shyness and become rich!", "How to stop being losers and become a winner!" are these people for people. After all, only living in such a world, I am sure that in two days you can learn a lot successful people will tell you what to do, and off you go. But these trainings do not teach the ability to bond with others, to feel the warmth in the relationship, to make friends and be friends with them. For them the whole life is an endless race to the top, and even if this reached the top, there is always someone who is better.

And this very phenomenon – the loneliness of the leader – there's two sides. One side of the coin: the victory gives recognition and gives good. And the other side, the loneliness. Toxic loneliness is not comforted the child. Child whole life which has become an endless race for perfection, the race for the conquest of the mountain. And whether he is or not, he will be alone in any case. Because all who surround him – is a potential rivals, and friends, relatives just yet.

Working in therapy, I often wonder how seemingly small, insignificant actions of the mother or father lead to quite significant consequences. So, think about when breaking your knee, your baby is crying or worried about received two, it is important for you to blame him or sometimes you can just embrace, accept these feelings and to recognize his right to error?

Source: personagrata-studio.ru/articles/odinochestvo-na-vershine/