About punishment

What is the difference between punishment from natural consequences.

Parents often ask the question: is it possible to punish the children and how? But the punishment here what is the problem. In adult life, then punishments are almost there, except for the criminal and administrative law and dealing with the traffic police. There is no one who would want to punish us, "to know", "to continue this does not happen again.

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It's much easier. If we are doing badly, we get fired and our place will take the other one. To punish us? In any case. Just make work better. If we are boorish and selfish, we will not have friends. In punishment? Of course not, just people prefer to communicate with more pleasant personalities. If we smoke, lying on the couch and eat chips, we will deteriorate health.

It's not a punishment — just a natural consequence. If we do not know how to love and care for, to build relationships, we will lose a spouse — not as a punishment, but just get tired of him. The big world is not built on the principle of punishments and rewards, and the principle of natural consequences. As you sow, so shall you reap — and the task of an adult to calculate the consequences and to make decisions.

If we educate the child through rewards and punishments, we're doing him a disservice mislead regarding the structure of the world. After 18, no one will punish him considerately and instruct on the right path (in fact, even the original meaning of the word "punish" — to give an indication of how to act). Everyone will just have to live, to pursue their goals, to do what is needed or nice to them personally. And if he was accustomed to be guided in his conduct only a "carrot and stick", he does not envy.

Non-coming natural consequences — one of the reasons for which are not adapted to living children, graduates of orphanages. It is fashionable to arrange the institutions for orphans "room preparation for independent life". There is a kitchen, stove, table, everything in the apartment.

I proudly show: "And here we invite the older girls, and they can themselves cook dinner." I have a question arises: "And if they don't want? Too lazy, will forget? They are at this day without any supper left?" "Well, how can that be, they are children, we do not, the doctor will not allow".

Such is the preparation for independent living. It is clear that the profanation. The meaning is not that to learn how to cook soup or pasta, the point is to understand the truth: there in the big world, as stamped and burst. About himself does not care, one that will not do. But the truth of children is thoroughly protected. Then in one fell swoop to put in the world — and then as you know...

That is why it is very important whenever it's possible instead to use the natural consequences of actions. Lost, broke an expensive thing — then no more. Stole and spent other people's money — will have to work. Forgot asked to draw a picture, remembered at the last moment — will have to draw instead of the movie before going to sleep. Threw a tantrum on the street — the walk terminated, we go home, what now festival.

It would seem that everything is simple, but for some reason, the parents almost never use this mechanism. My mother complains that her daughter-the teenager pulled for the fourth mobile phone. The girl puts it in back pocket of my jeans and so goes the metro. Talked, explained, punished even. And she says she "forgot and again shoved". Sometimes, of course.

But I ask my mom one simple question: "How much is that phone that Lights now?". "Ten thousand says his mother, two weeks ago I bought". Can't believe my ears: "How, she's already lost four, and you again buy her such an expensive phone?" "Well, certainly, since she needs to both the camera and music, and so modern. Only, I'm afraid will lose again". Who would doubt!

Naturally, in this situation, the child and won't change their behavior — because consequences do not occur! Criticize him, but the new phone regularly buy. If parents refused to buy a new phone or bought the cheapest, and even better — a used, and stipulated a time period within which it must survive to even start talking about new, the Lights will somehow have learned to "not forget." But it seemed too harsh — after all, girls need to be better than the other! And they preferred to be upset, arguing, lamenting, but did not give the daughter any chance to change the behavior.

Do not hesitate non-standard operations. One mother of many children told that tired of the bickering children about who should wash the dishes, just killed one after the other all of yesterday's dishes piled in the sink. Eccentric, Yes. But it is also a kind of natural consequence — the middle can bring, and then it will behave unpredictably. Dishes since then regularly washed.

Another mother, tortured by the habit of the child incessantly whining, put on a headphone player and dancing to the music as he heard whining. Beforehand she warned the child that would do so, explained using I-statements that can no longer listen to it and suggested to use conditional sign — raised hand to let her know that the whining is over and you can take off the headphones.

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All this was done in a fun, friendly and absolutely not a form of punishment. Simple: you want to whine — I have the right, and I don't want to hear — are also eligible. Look how great I came to and you were good to me. The problem was solved in three days. Of course, whining as such, the child no pleasure does not deliver.

Another family sat all the staff a week on pasta and potatoes — gave the money that was taken by the child. And their "diet" the family kept not with anguished faces, and encouraging each other, having fun, overcoming a total disaster. And all rejoiced when at the end of the weeks the required amount was collected and given to apology, and even more money on watermelon! More cases of stealing from their child was not.

Please note: none of these parents have not read morals, not punished, not threatened. Just react like real people, solved a common family problem, as I could.

It is clear that there are situations where we can't allow consequences to occur, for example, you cannot give a child to fall out of the window and see what happens. But, such cases are a distinct minority. "

Yeah, I don't know what to answer to questions such as "four-year old does not listen, what to do?" I do not know, "where is his button". There are a lot of factors: condition of the parent, the relationship to the history of the child, the character and temperament both, the situation, participation of third parties and a lot of things.

Anyway, nobody knows "what to do" to the baby all the time doing what we want. Thank God.published

 

Author: Lyudmila Petranovskaya

 

P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

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Source: ludmilapsyholog.livejournal.com/95740.html

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