Oscar Brenifier: the 10 commandments for parents

Oscar Brenifier is a figure of world magnitude, PhD, is the author of several dozen books for children and parents, the official expert of UNESCO. He revolutionized children's upbringing and education, he began to teach parents not just to give children ready-made answers to any, even the most complex and philosophical issues, and from an early age to develop in them the ability itself to think, to analyze, to reflect and find answers to all your questions yourself!

1.

In any country of the world, the impatience of the parents is the main obstacle to the fact that the children thought.

If You want Your child to learn to think, You need to first work on yourself and the most important thing for You – an exercise in patience.

 

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The real story is. “One mom told me about the problem, " recalls Oscar. The child eats slowly. I asked: where is the problem? She said that she needs to clean, and do other things, and the child holds it. I said, that's Your problem, don't confuse it with the problem child. Why not give him to eat slowly? For mom it was weird. Indeed, in this case it will not be able to control the situation and the relationship with the child she wants to determine the rhythm of action”.

When You ask the child a question, he can answer it immediately, to say, “don't know”. If You are impatient, You will speak for the baby (especially if You think that know everything).

The real story is. “At one exhibition I was approached by a girl. I asked her what's her name — says the philosopher. Her mother, who was standing nearby, answered for her: “Masha”. I asked my mother why she is responsible for the child. What mom told me: “She's shy”. This mom was impatient and she thought she knows everything (she knows the name of her daughter and that she is ashamed of). All, why wait 30 seconds just to see what would happen – what would you say or do to her daughter? But talking with my mom about it was impossible. She is simply unable to create a space where the child will be others.”

Commandment 2.

Be ignorant, asking children questions.

This I learned from his teacher – Socrates. He said that when you seek truth, you have to be ignorant. The secret is that when You ask children questions (and questioning is the key to get kids to think), you need not to know the answers to them, even if You know these answers. Otherwise, You will require the child to say what You think is right.

Example. If You ask the child how much is two plus two and want to hear the answer to only four, is a test of knowledge, but not questioning, not thinking. Ask your child: “How much is two plus two?” When he answers (regardless of the correctness of the answer), ask how he came to this conclusion. Maybe it would be more interesting than the answer “4”. To check whether the child learnt the lesson, and check if he's thinking different things.

Example. If Your son hits his sister, You can do two things. The first is to teach him moral values: it hurt, you can't hit your sister, etc. (the parents have the function of transmitting moral values). But there is another way how to work with the conflict of two children – discover why this is happening.

Ask the son: “why do you beat your sister?” For example, he said that it bothers him. “What does that mean? Specifically: what did she do?” – You will ask. “I wanted to take her some things,” said the boy. “If sister is not doing what you want, it bothering you. Maybe there's something more legitimate? – ask the child a question. The idea is that You investigated the situation, the problem, asking the child questions discussed.

If the dispute involves two children, and You began to find out one of them what was happening, the second can begin to interrupt. “Wait, let's hear it, let's try to understand what he says, you can always call someone who interrupts. – Each of us will have a chance to speak, and we will try to understand what happened.” But if You feel that You are not in the right mood, You are tired of the fact that two children argue, if you feel that you can't devote time for a discussion right now, don't do anything. Simply dilute with children in different directions, and say you'll deal with it later.

Commandment 3.

All moms and dads are bad and imperfect.

They say neighbors and friends that their children are beautiful. It is their obligation, but in fact, parents are often frustrated they don't know how to talk to kids, but in the eyes of other people they want to look perfect. The problem is not a crime, not a sin, it's just a reality. We are people, children — people. When there are people there are problems, as we are complex beings. Therefore, parents are always unhappy, they want what no, they think about perfection and want to be better, to be number one. Get the makeovers! This simplifies life.

Commandment 4.

A big problem parents have expectations of the child.

We put pressure on kids to they achieved what we expected. Good to have moral values and pass them to the child, but when it becomes an obsession, You make a child's life miserable, and then it no longer makes sense. To want something is not a problem. The problem is obsession, this is a Buddhist philosophy.

Example. The problem is that parents want their child to be the best in the class. But in a class of 30 children, and each child his parents want he was the best. There is a bit of a logic problem, You see? Not every child can be the best. Someone needs to accept that his child will be the second or even the number 30. Parents can accept that they will be number 30, but not their child.

Then these parents come to me with a question: “I don't know baby, he's mad at me.” I begin to explore the situation and find that the parent cannot accept that his child is not the best. But some children don't like school, and some bad grades. My mom has a recipe: all he (the child) need to work more. The child is brought up such that he is unable to accept failure. Then we have many Teens who commit suicide because of a failed exam.

The real story is. I was approached by a mother whose child is not gifted in mathematics. She saw this as a problem. I said, “Suppose Your child is not playing hockey. You would be imposing on him what he needs to do more to become a hockey champion?” She said, “No, it doesn't make sense”. “If it doesn't make sense in hockey, why don't You take it in relation to the school? – I asked. – Your child is what it is. The school is not the end of the world, although it is important. There are many people who lead wonderful lives, but are not Champions in school.”

Example. Some parents say: “I just want my child to be happy.” Most likely, You are very happy and hope the baby will do something that is not You. Parents can't afford to have their child was unhappy. Then they can't safely respond to a crying baby. They begin to organize the circus, ran to the child, hug him. The problem is again in the compulsive aspect (the obsessions). The child fell, crying. Maybe he was crying because he was surprised by the unexpected fall. Ask him, “are You hurt? Did you hurt something?” Suddenly he'll stop crying? But if You immediately grab it, he starts to cry harder, and next time he could use it.

Commandment 5.

Parents have a tendency to forget about thinking and just follow my feelings.

The real story is. “At a book fair while I was talking with a girl, her mother stood behind and played with her hair, gave the example of Oscar. – When we tried to discuss something, mom kissed her and hugged. “How can she be thinking? I asked the mother. She can't concentrate. You are a very good mother, but the child is not a toy”. And have You ever experienced a situation when You were kissing and hugging their children when they didn't want to?”

Commandment 6.

To speak with a child, you must teach him the truth. “Not always” lying word. “Yes” or “no” answers should be to the questions. To think together, you need to stop lying.

Commandment 7.

Complexity is a typical problem of thinking. Due to the fact that parents complicate some things they prefer not to talk with your child about these things.

Example. I noticed that very often families do not speak with the child about lying or talking about it only when they want to scold. This is because parents lie painted in a horrible paint.

Commandment 8.

The explanation to the answer or is the answer is nonsense, is a way to escape.

Example. “You broke a glass?” – You ask. “Let me explain,” says the child. First response! Yes or no? Then an explanation.

Commandment 9.

Need to be flexible. When I talk to the child and want him thinking I need to think up questions to go back and ask the same things differently. If I'm not flexible, I'm not coming to the desired result.

Commandment 10.

When You come to the thinking of the child with pity, nothing happens. If You give him the opportunity, he to learn anything. During the sessions we discuss with children difficult questions. Some observers (adults) our discussion seems to be pressure on the kid they feel sorry for the children who experience during a conversation with me discomfort or closed. It is obvious that with such children parents did not talk on those topics that I have raised. But after 3-4 times it will not be difficult.

Example. The child learns to ride a bike. The first lesson is terrible. Don't be afraid that it is difficult. Try again. After 5-6 lesson You will not be able to remove it from the bike. You have to go through it with him. If You accept that You can't meet the child, he will learn.

Why don't parents like to talk to kids? It's painful. First. Child something opens that is important to him, from the outside it may look like a little drama, but the drama is a way of learning. Chekhov in his works allows us to access the human soul, but it's not funny. Why, then, we watch his plays, why Chekhov is considered a great writer? It helps us understand ourselves. No need to be afraid of the drama, otherwise You'll go just for the Comedy.published

 

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: facebook.com/pereval.org/posts/952142328156108:0

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