"Be able to be alone with him"

Essay writer Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the book "Eat, Pray, love». h3>

It all started with a conversation in the barber shop. I sheared spectacular, but the sad 28-year-old woman. You know how it is: a conversation with a stranger, and now transition to personal and important topics.

What other people are saying to the hairdresser? I - about love and loss.

She said that the day before our session came from the ratio of the length of four years. The reason was fatigue. She was tired because the partner did not appreciate it.

She said: "I urgently need to find someone better».

I took her hand (she did not expect from him) and said, very confident, "Promise me that spend at least six months alone with him! Promise not to get into a new relationship without a significant break ».

She looked at me in disbelief and said, "But I will also be bored. Sitting half watching TV alone, as a spinster? What could be worse! »

I know a lot worse situations. For example, when you find a partner solely out of a desire not to be alone with him, and he again - surprise - does not appreciate you. You stay with him, because to be one scary.

I told her about his theory: the human self is created in practice, to be alone with him. We have to learn perebaryvat initial fear of loneliness, to note that it is loneliness, not only does not kill us, but even in something nice and helpful.

I recently spoke with a woman almost 50, and she admitted that she does not want to sever relations with her husband. He beats her, and she did not divorce because "how can I go to a restaurant or to a party alone».

Dear friends, at some point we have to learn to come to the restaurant or to a party alone. Otherwise we will find ourselves in a relationship with random people solely from fear of being alone. We have to be able to endure himself and not run into a relationship. After a while, we can even love yourself. Maybe even admired when we know ourselves better.

I tried not to be alone with him for many, many years. Even five minutes. I jumped out of one relationship and merges into the other - it was unbearable to stay in silence. I did not choose to be with someone, and methodically filled the empty space in my life.

Remember the book "Yes, pray, love"? While I was writing it, I had some time to be with yourself. In this journey, I heard you. I then moved the boundary beyond which lay a promise: "I will take care of myself as I do not care about no partner. I will listen to and take care of yourself. I'll show myself amazingly beautiful places in the world. I will praise myself and to comfort. I'll feed themselves wonderful meal and buy myself a great book. I'll ask myself every day: "What can I do for you today, dear?" ". My relations with him were surprising, although at first I was very afraid of venturing.

After a couple of years, I have met a partner who treated me as carefully and thoughtfully, with the same admiration and love, as I have myself. During these two years, I got used to that to yourself. If I did not then devoted two years loneliness, I would have jumped from one relationship to another uncomfortable right now.

You need to give yourself time to understand what is good for you. But when you've figured out, you will never settle for less.

I persuaded the girl for six months alone. At least six months. We sealed the agreement handshake. I'm sure it will not disappoint. Learning experience instant fear to enter the adult relationship with him - six months of celibacy that it is worth.

Of course, among us there are those who for years remained alone. They have, on the contrary, there is a fear of intimacy, fear of risking their own freedom. They do not need my advice. But if you, like I used to or like my new hairdresser could not stand living alone, think over my words.

Do not be afraid of itself. Do not be afraid to be alone with him.

Survive the first time, and there you will see how this useful skill.









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