The real and incredibly funny stories childbirth: the best stories from the horse's mouth!





For every woman during pregnancy, perhaps the most special and intimate. At this time there is the mystery of the birth of a new life and a new man. Expectant mother is full with pleasant emotions and anxious waits for a baby. Just a little bit - and in the hands of you will keep your little miracle ... It sounds like a fairy tale, does not it? Of course, it is true, but still, any mother will confirm that the baby bear - is not easy. What can we say about childbirth! Just do not be afraid: for all the difficulties you passed quickly forget as soon as you see her child. The memory always remain just funny moments. For example, such as told by these women, who are already enjoying the taste of motherhood.

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On the morning after birth body ached as if I drove on asphalt roller not only along but also across and then even did a control check on the diagonal. i>

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Waiting is killing me. My husband adds fuel to the fire: every evening he made a circle around the room given to us for the baby stroller, braked by the sofa where I was sitting and asked me: "Where's the baby?» I>

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I, and after the first pregnancy, the brain is not restored, and now, when it is a new belly grows, my tupizm reached apofigeya. Today, I am going to the pharmacy and demanded 2 kg of cucumbers. In response to a confused youthful pharmacist: "We have no cucumbers ..." grumpy and asked loudly: "Well, at least give some tomatoes?" The people in the queue behind me beat in convulsions of laughter. Before I also came only a minute and a half. I>

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I got pregnant on the job - a month or two on the line has stayed on the phone. And yet! Athas! The minibus came and said: "Hello, my name is Anna ..." minibus somehow reluctant to me in response to hello. I>

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came to the osteopath at the 7th month, he first, as expected, still asks, writes ... The question: "What month?" I frantically dug long in the memory, and finally managed to say: "January". He is confused, in turn, hold the laughter, he asked: "The month of pregnancy?» I>

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One eerie wanted chicken. I bought the chicken, cooked, I ate. All. After that, I was not very good and the rest of the pregnancy, I could not bear even the word "chicken." On this occasion, in the family, it was renamed the "badger". Ignorant people are very amused in discussions soups badger, badger fried chicken legs, but most of all badgers eggs! I>

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One of the techniques: "Doctor, when I have the date of birth?" "And you what?" Indeed, why am I suddenly interested in? i>

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The contractions were strong, among them even managed to call her husband, saying: "I told you in the food snowstorm pour and closed in the toilet, when you burst, and then I'll tell you that you can not, be patient!" He laughed. i>

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Tryndets came the morning after childbirth - all the creaking limbs, like a terminator ungreased, I slowly but surely started to move in the direction of the toilet. When sonny dragged from the belly - just saw, it was so easy and relaxed, which was drawn to sleep, apparently from exhaustion. I said, "Guys, I sleep, and you got me sewed up!" Anesthesiologist shouted: "Do not you dare close your eyes!" I agreed that I will lie with one eye open, and the second bed. I>

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My mom told me that when she gave birth to me, in her room was a woman who got up on his knees in front of a bedside table, thrust his head back and screamed. She so obviously it was easier to fight to move. I>

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In anesthetized stitching still done, and I, being under anesthesia, was smiling from ear to ear. I heard the doctor say, "She's animated cartoons, or what looks?» I>

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Me caesarean take out into the corridor, I saw - my husband and son in the hand is worth, so pleased. We drove up to him, stopped. He asks: "How do you feel?" Me: "OK, just shakes much." My husband asked the doctor: "Why it rocks?". One so seriously replies, "Frost soon!» I>

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Two mothers, both torn, the doctor sews, humor. Girls are no laughing matter, do not respond. At this time in the corridor shouting: "Ivanovich, where are you-ee ?!" The doctor, without looking up from the seam, "Oh, I do not want to respond to rhyme!" Bellow all ... i>

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And when I start operating after caesarean waste, open my eyes, everything floats and spins, obvozhu blearily around - nobody! I thought: "Now shout out loud, call your doctor or nurse to find out though as Lala. In fact, instead of the loud cry, as she wanted, there was something in a hoarse, quiet, and somehow slowly pronounce the words: "Liu Yu-eople-and-and! Ay-oo-oo, where you th-ee ?! "Just above his head there was a chuckle anesthesiologist (upward something my eyes are not raised), as well drawl:" We zde-e-es! " i>

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When my daughter was giving birth, frequent fights, and there was no power to relax, I was shaking just from the pain. And I began to wail: "Save me, help me! Save me, help me! "The midwife comes and says I'm just like Winnie the Pooh, when he is in a burrow Rabbit stuck. I>

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came anesthesiologist. In a blue suit and mask. He puts me drip anesthesia and says, "We'll talk to you now, and you fall asleep." And I look - his eyes are blue-blue, just like nebo ... And I had a languid voice ask, "What are you doing tonight?" And passed out. I>

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Time 4am. Wake her husband, saying, "I have poured out", and he said: "Well, to describe, to whom does not happen ..." and then abruptly sat down, blinks, jumps, starts to cut circles around the room like a wound: "And I what to do, and I do that ?! "Then he remembers that my gynecologist lives in our entrance on the 3rd floor. Running back, calling the opening. The husband of his sleepy for "breast" and cried out, "There is flowing, help!" Tries to pull out of the apartment. The doctor, when he realized who and what flows, relaxed, "call an ambulance!» I>

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And then I started cramping from the effort. Krueger rests. His fingers curled, her mouth slightly open, so small muscles shiver all over and I cramp pyhchu midwife: "Le ene-e-ah! I paralysis! Save me! » I>

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In a panic, I began to push everything that might need me at birth and after, in the backpack of her husband, who had just returned from a hike. In the heat of passion with the burden and the stomach at the ready, I galloped to the hospital. The waiting room was not even surprised, just asked nicely, they say, why do I still in the hospital tent, places like enough. And I did not notice that she was neatly tied on the other hand the backpack. i>

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The newly dad for the first day of discharge of his wife and daughter from the hospital. He sees how the wife, her mother carry the baby in her arms, and said: "Yes, you release it to the floor, even crawl." i>

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I have as fun - an audio recording (thanks muzhy) my othodnyaka after anesthesia, when I sewed. In general, I lie on Rakhmanivka already after it was all over, walks next to her husband with a newborn daughter - waiting until I came to, the doctors have gone. And I have at this time ... Classy glitches - graphics stunned as if I fly among some orange cubes. And I fly, I, uh, on an aircraft ... The husband said: "Sasha, m-uh, I'm in the matrix. Here nishtyak. " And then my next turn, I reach for the side handle Rakhmanivka, and there have the right and the left hand broken off. And I like ZAOr: "Sasha, a nightmare! Here in the vehicle wheel is broken! » I>

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After cleaning departed from anesthesia - all told about the film "Cube" kotopsa in the hallway to stick to all flowing with the question: "I do not seem to you that I'm a fool?» i>

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I have a second birth - rapid. From start to cry baby fights took 50 minutes, I only heard the cry of a midwife, "Do not breathe, and then the child will fly out the window». I>

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Pregnant brain - a gesture. I never thought that the words "Enjoy Your Bath!" I will answer: "To hell!» I>

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When my sister gave birth (to be precise, in the prenatal ward has been the case), then it clung to the leg of a doctor. Well, like, I begged for mercy ... as nails on the fingers were rather long, the first leg of her four-finger pierced, and then anger tore at all (is this what he said to her, even to give birth early). The doctor cursed, trying torn away, but she did so out of hand leg and released. Just after birth were able to select and then persuaded! i>

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And my uzist said: "Boy! Well-at, if a girl is born, then bring me - have to answer for the mistakes! » I>

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went into labor. They called an ambulance. Arrived. I have a third birth. Contractions of the contractions. Emergency flashers turned on, cork, and we vstrechke ... with flashing lights! I have hooks, and my husband is sitting, looking out the window, even a joyful reptile, and said: "Zai, and we're going on an opposite!" The remaining 10 minutes, I vividly imagined how he beat a frying pan! It becomes easier. I>

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They called me an enema on the 3rd day after cesarean. Well, I handled a nurse and ran to the other to change a dropper, then she ran for the post, but I just go along stenochki so quietly, barely. She asked me: "Demidova, you've been in the toilet?" I said to her in reply, "No, I'm still running." And she laughs, ran another nurse on the first laughter. He asks what laughs, and the first replies: "Demidov Cross passes on the run». I>

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Before the New Year. Procuring food for the holiday. Just walk into a shop - immediately begins kicking the child (in-store music loud, stuffy). Therefore, I make purchases in small portions, and half-bent position (otherwise impossible to go). Repeat this several times, and very attracted the attention of customers and staff. I went to the store for the fifth time in a day, take the basket, go to the stands, and I hear a little voice from behind a guard who makes the message over the radio: "Attention, security! The store is the same pregnant! I bring up the sausages, then to vegetables is Lech, the list goes on ... Hehe, on whom will begin giving birth, one in the hospital and you're lucky! "So me and drove to the supermarket, as a spy. However, the basket was reported to the register at the same time. I>

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as the Oral announcement! ... Require euthanasia. In the heat of battles confused with anesthesia! I>

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36 weeks. I am 20 years old. They put me in advance. At that time there was so much information available about pregnancy and childbirth. The very even kindergarten. Throughout the pregnancy was a threat. And then in either eye. In the evening, it was suspected leakage of water. They gave me pelenochku say, "sounds like it, then send it for analysis." Time 12 o'clock at night. I can not sleep. I went to the toilet. And I look at this pelenochke is something like a worm transparent with colored streaks. I started quiet hysteria. I think - something had fallen off the baby. I ask a question: what it is like? Eye - struck me! I nesus in rodzal. Zamglavvracha on duty. It takes delivery. I fly and I yell: "Olga, my eyes fell baby!" Her face was so fell. Do mothers have stopped the fight, the midwife dropped a tool. Oil painting. She said to me: "Come here." I told her shove her diaper. They started quiet hysteria "Durynda - a tube. Go to sleep. Tomorrow we will bear! "Then all this eye hospital I remembered a long time. I>

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Now I'm starting to understand why pregnant women on maternity leave are sent - is not for the well-being of the pregnant woman, and for the sake of work! i>

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And we swaddle on the cat learned. She was thrilled! By the way, I tell you, baby swaddle is easier than a cat. The child did not even run away ... i>

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One day, I had to buy in a drugstore pregnancy test. Making the order, I suddenly remembered that my mother asked to buy valerian. Now imagine the reaction of others, when I said: "I please the pregnancy test ... and valerian». I>

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Attempts gone, no strength ... The doctor said that I did not scream, and made an effort, as if I was in the toilet in the big walk. I breathed deeply and started growling and screaming again. The doctor says, "You, when large-go to the toilet, so too are you yelling? The neighbors are not afraid? » I>

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On the operating table laid, and I ask, "What are you doing with platsentkoy?" The doctor replied: "Pasta nautically!» i>

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Let's go to the US with her husband. Apparently, the doctor crushed the scanner is sensitive kid, of course, he did not like - he began to brawl. And then her husband's catchphrase, which we grandchildren probably recite: "He that is able to move his feet ?!" Mark - a nurse and a doctor, I could not have five minutes to stop. Laughed ... i>

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Gave birth to the first epiduralku. Hemming. Me: "Oh-she-she! Pinches ". Doctor: "And what do you suggest?" Me: "Blow!" Doctor: "Yes? Maybe you also lick? » I>

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And we have a doctor in the world was postpartum. On traversing looks at a patient and asks: "Is not you happen to be yelling at birth that it would be better served in the army and shave every day?" The girl, embarrassed, "Yes, I ..." He goes to her, shakes hands: "Totally agree with you!» i>

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I have to exchange the map says: "Bad habits - a cat». i>

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There was an obstetrician with us, handsome - tall, healthy, dark and bright blue eyes. When he arrived, just woke up a neighbor for intensivke after cesarean and yelled at the whole ward, "Oh, Lord! Angel! "The obstetrician was flattered ... I said that is the best compliment that he could hear. I>

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gave birth to a girl in front of me and she cried the doctor, "Doctor, I Kaka!" To which her doctor said, "Kaka Kaka did not, but you are not bad bunch ...» i>

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And imagine my surprise when the ward went Crocodile Gena and Cheburashka in his arms and smiled broadly, but because of his back looked old Shapoklyak and said so cautiously, "How is she?" When the minute I arrived finally in themselves from the anesthesia, the crocodile has gradually turned into my doctor in a green smock, and in his hands he held Sania - brought the show. And the old woman Shapoklyak evolved into my mother ... i>




Who is the heroine of the stories - happy mother and during birth, and pregnancy in general, remember with humor. You like their stories? I think, and your friends will appreciate them - do not forget to share.

via ofigenno ru

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