It was last year in Paris.

Our hotel is located in the Latin Quarter. Getting up early with his wife, decided to walk through the city to more stores on the Grands Boulevards.
Who decided, I think, is clear.

Getting off the bridge me, a little tired, decided to make a lunch. We sat in the cafe at the beginning of the Rue Saint-Denis. We drank, ate (I ryumets
I swallowed, despite the protests. "... In the morning ... In the morning !!! !!." Just think - "in the morning!" If you can eat, drink, and then - not a sin.)

Coffee and expense money. I pull out a piece of paper five hundred euros. (It turned out that the card was not my money sverhspeshno before departure and all for 500 euros.
Too long to explain.). Waiter hatched, something faltered. I know the French word fifty, I realized that a piece of paper is not the glory of God. He pulled out another.
Babbles on. Out boss. After long trials revealed that there have been cases of counterfeit banknotes of large and small cafes and shops denominations of 200 and 500 euros are not accepted.

So what ?! Never mind. Are the five of us, even the chef came out. Babble.

 - Go, change - I say.
 - Sam, Russe, go me, - are responsible.
Nifuyase service ... French ...

Ran, ran through the streets - everything or closed (Sunday), or refuse to change. I decided to cheat - to buy "Cola" ice cream, a pack of cigarettes in the "tobacco". The effect is the same.

He returned half an hour later, angry as hell, began to fuss with the owner. That, apparently, is also tired of this garbage.
 - Okay, Russe - says (so dissatisfied) - it goes. Then zanesesh sorokovnik.

 - Noble - say - blah. Mersey. Included. Orevuar.
It's saying. Tale - a trip to the big store, then boulevards, then Grevin Museum ... In short, Razuvious in the room, I cried out:

 - About the money somehow forgot to pay !!!
 - Well, okay, tomorrow ...
 - No really. I'm a bastard. If not yet admitted to us, "Russe" - back and forth, and so begin to rinse the familiar "Russian cheap stuff, they say, with the Ponte
large pieces of paper, not to pay and shed. " Like Mark Twain, right.
Now I'm in a taxi quickly. - Come on ...
Of course - "Come." Junk of the package lays out, puts ... Husband - on dick.

Six minutes later I was in a cafe. Shout! Noise! Again, the owner ran out, cook, etc. Noisy, noisy, I understand only "Russian" and "money».
I decided to find out what such a violent Bazaar: Russian lohom believe that money is brought, or vice versa, surprised?
It turned out - the second. A lot of foreign tourists (Italians, for example) in this situation disappear. I straightened his shoulders and bowed.
The owner personally took the bottle, poured me a glass. He drank. Fuynya type apple brew (It was. Notorious Calvados). Okay, mister, merci, that's money for Calvados.

The owner waved his hand: "No! No! Russe! Souvenir! Out of respect! Russe! »
 - Fuyase - I said to myself.
Show on a bottle of vodka, yutivshuyusya forlornly in the corner of the wall shelves.

 - Pour me all of Ryumtsev.
The people in the bar were six people, but four of indentured servants. They drank. Stir in the hall.

The owner was talking, I understood him better and better, more ordered all of stoparik. Revitalizing intensified.

Went to the bathroom, I was in the transition priter one of the visitors, stammered in broken English, that supposedly Fuli is host to indulge in the bar expensive,
and here near his "flat" and there is "Music", "gёrls" and finally "byutifl." And booze, like, we can take on the road.

You say, "Why was led, fool?". And you would not wilt? Well, great. And I was led here.
There were packages of lanes. Close, but trash. I am in Moscow and did not see these. "Flat" was evicted house, whether the demolition, whether on
reconstruction. On-Arod-have! ... Twenty-five people. Pretty girls, however, are many. One, megamouth with gray hair, pierced me
heart immediately. Stir in the crotch.

We sat and had a drink, so good, but somehow vyalovato. Yes, even a mobile phone constantly trend in your pocket - the wife nazvanivaet. Everything is remeasure, remembered about her husband.

I acted like Taras Bulba, "On the heck Kozak pots! On the whole heck Kozak utensils ?! Kozak not a woman! Beat it! Crash! »Shut the hell mobile, he gave Zhorik money, commanded to bring more alcohol. Stir in the hall.

But with a new portion of alcohol radical changes have occurred. Sitting, Flood, input-output, smiling at me, nothing more. I'm out of the conversation. Yes, it is understandable - the language barrier. Largemouth, too, once he departed.
And already quite drunk.

I thought and thought, decided to tell the anecdote. That - that international and without language barriers.

I came up to talk about the Chinese: "Why do they have such narrow eyes? Because rice nazhrutsya and then tuzhatsya on the toilet seat, groaning: a-ah-mm-m ... and his eyes narrowed ... "Almost everything can be shown. If you think, do not appreciate, I bowed politely and leave. Fuli hatch. And the wife is worried.
Blah, but ... Joke had such a success !!! Repeated as an encore, and the third time razoshёlsya so that planted on Scotch ever, his eyes narrow and imitated prispuskanie pants. That's what vyave "PATTSTULOM!" One chernyavenky laughed so that little wet himself. When it is found, I thought the ceiling would collapse, nah ...

I decided not to let the audience's attention, spoke about the drug:
"- Ma-ah, where the PA-A?
Ma-ah, where Pa-a ??
Well, Ma-a, where the PA-A?
 - Yes, here it is, here it is!
- ... Pa-ah, and where Ma-ah? »
Anecdote - the same age as Luzhkov, perhaps.
Walls collapsed. The passage of time has stopped. When I told for the fifth time and made suffocated with laughter (which is, I think, where Petrosyan expanse something!), The conversation went smoothly on the grass, and the language barrier thinning to conditional.

He told them about the blank "clay" as naked running around the meter bush cannabis, as it gently rolled from the bodies of pollen as punch and protryasyvayut sheets on the grass itself as prepared in basins "Khimki" as ...

People crammed - sixty people. From the hallway a head sticking out and demand:
"Louder! Louder! "Bolsherotenkaya already on my knees sits quietly since pettinguemsya her.

What can I say, brothers Braves? I felt as a messenger of the Leninist party somewhere in Gondelupe. Listen, open-mouthed, about faraway Russia, where cannabis growing in the vast fields' Kilometres en, de, trois, quatre ... (... "madmazel Zhurovatr"), where these fields run naked men and women, where commercially available special papirosy- billet
"White Sea Canal", where ...
Petting moved into an open mold, a leading delicate question asked: "What Monsieur looks if escape grass fit? ... Well, just for the sake of the overall development of ...»

Ofuevshy from active petting Monsieur did not mind. He would and he would have ran away with a couple of largemouth Lucy. Naked as on the clay field ...
... Outside the window mewed police siren. No attention to it my
New friends will not pay.

ABOUT! ABOUT!!! About !!!

It dawned on me.
Quickly dialed his wife, putting a tube in the direction that the siren was heard better:
 - Anti-globalization rally ... ... I mistakenly swept up in the police ... No, no, no way ... better be patient ... in the heat of the moment can make the base, potomShengenskoy visa deprive ... hold on, of course! Anything more I can not speak, has already come ...!

And I come, in fact, a local drug dealer and brought some "Murdo" (and already pre-overclocked at skinny cigarettes). Inspired by the success with the audience, I criticized the quality and packaging, and drove his "bon».
"Karoshi love plёhoy - no!»
He started to balk, but so uproarious! The poor man must have thought that he had come "Russe drug lord" personally check distribution in the regions.
Dealer disappeared, came back and replaced the original Murdo to "harёschy, fatty-fatty».
And now, in the midst of learning French right torsion "goat legs" and the optimal ratio of "kurnul-blurted out," according to the "hapok - gulp - release" priperlis two Poles, overturned a pair of glasses and started for no apparent reason foul up .

I somehow did not pay attention at first, but the aggression of them pёrla vengeance. Raspshekalis so that saliva flew across the room.
Maybe they had some of his scores with the Russian, maybe a week (or in general - all life) did not work, HZ ...
As Bolek and Lёlek from the old cartoon plotnomordye, with faded blue eyes, napёrli at me from both sides.
... Russian military dirtied us the nature! In particular, some of the former military unit in Zyaleznoy Gora (or Biala Podlaska, or Kurvyachey sores - I do not remember)!
... Destroyed Russian Polish identity!
... Distort the structure of the Polish economy! ...
... His thugs dam across Poland ...

These streams of saliva and pus concisely lay out, not stopping at all the evil accusations (type - Russian prostitutes are always (!) Were distributors of sexually transmitted diseases in Poland), and there were ten times more.

I sit, listen, and try to get rid blaze jokes, painfully I successfully fell in his bosom to Lucy.
Chest her a small, pear-shaped is such a big plump papilla - just my favorite. Although, damn, I'm for a fourteen years and to this day I notice a surprising property: absolutely each breast, get my hands on, is "my favorite».

 - ... In Russia Artistic Neh, neh European Are mentalnost only enter Russia during vsshschih toilets srach, shit, not even mozheche srach people!
People fell silent, listening. I finally torknulo. I was young and slow response to the nonsense, and after such a long break, and even more so. And I always hit
first in tears, and then on the "ha ha." In this case, my hand was played.
"No kuei myself - I vozbuh - so watered Russia shit! Yes, this requires a cheap bitch, Russian born! »
With great heartache pulled out of the bosom to warm Lyuska hand, feeling Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary of the Union of Soviet Socialists ... or eReF, gui with him.
Smoky consciousness introduced behind the Kremlin towers and the "McDonald's" in Pushkin, forests and protalinki, birch and paternal budёnnovka, theft of oil fields in the Yamal Peninsula and the plug at the hypermarkets for the District ... .and one hundred seventy million citizens - growers, bankers, technician and bakers, Realtors and traffic cops, generals, admirals, officers and sergeants ... - look at me hopefully.

 - What do you persecute, suchara zatruhannaya, gummy fag ?!
And you Lёlek not p.zdi no kuei, g ... Don darned, dickhead horse !!! With ... r the Poles had would not have been if we had Hitler not release you! The creatures ungrateful dove my nose, my steel teeth !!!

But it was impossible to say. I have their intelligence, b ... dei stifle! ... Can not Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to sink to their level of poor podzalupny.
 - Where you polupochtennye in Russian toilets srach seen? - A distance began to beckon me. - Maybe by accident in one place what ?!
 - Yes, all along the road, "Brest - Moscow," where neither stop! We have the track all directions! But in many places there are no kvalitetnyh sorted booth in the stands with zasrat hole !!!
 - What did you crawl along this route all the time? What do you want in your Polish roads can not sit ?! Gave you the independence, the troops withdrew, ghouls climb by us ?! Ah ?!

Under the approving laughter of the audience, giving them no time to recover, he dropped sharply - So are you, Polak and zasrali all roadside toilets! Because of you and do normal closets! Know that Poles krzhivymi dupami moving around uneasily back and forth, they have done booths for dogs CLP Crew ...

Razvonyalis, uproarious! What's nice: Poles abuse from our not very different. "Hy, e.ach, p.zda, srach za.bonets, perdOlni morons chlonek ..." - all native, of course ... only the stress on the penultimate syllable. - Link and interest Polak crap all the famous and traditional - relying on the understanding of the French audience, cause I flanking attacks.

... Who works primarily in France, plumbers ("klozetvorkers merdkliners End" - on the go, I invented a brilliant, in my opinion, the equivalent of "plumbing")? Polaks?
Stir in the hall.
It turns out that one of Bolek really worked before plumber and even sly established water supply in the ruins, and Lёlek "Imashev" and "business" have something to do with the removal of debris.

Well, then it was necessary to lure the enemy out ukrytiy.- Okay. You came on a pair of glasses (- I delicately reminded the audience, who financed the project today) deryabnuli x ... with you.
The accused ("kleym" - word surfaced of drugged consciousness of themselves) in the Russian lack of culture and wildlife ("Barbara") mentality. Okay.
You yourself live in France for ... - How much? - Demagogically I turned to the audience - ... three years. Bien. Dobzhe Panov. And I just came here, even about evrokupyury do not know what the codes which nonvalidnye. - Animation.

It was time to do dissecans Tank breakthrough smash purulent Polish position.

 - Let me savage, prove that I - a savage. Let the two of you, and I - one. (It suddenly my stoned "chlonek" spontaneous erection, belatedly responded on Lyuska pear-shaped. I kept a much bolder, encouraged by the unexpected support).
Knowing the French passion for public debate on intellectual topics, I got to the point.

Cheers, animation in the hall. The people of the basement so that he had to go into the room with the collapse of ceilings, which fit all. Man a hundred - exactly. Pozzhepribyvshie asked the old-timers, what a bazaar, where everyone took their seats.

Tableau nestled on the ruins, the ruins of plates, chairs razdryzgannyh, collapsed ceilings motley crowd (who
there just was not - black, yellow, dark-piebald ...) inflated me to insanity.
Oliver Stone, where are you ?!

Referee volunteered to be a puny kid Negritos in ochochkah. - Referred to by the French writers of the queue! - Thundered I improvised the department.
Bolek caked on the fourth in a row. - What - and everything ?! And Maurice Druon, and Barbus, as Voltaire and Montesquieu, and Romain Rolland and Andre Gide and Robert Merle and ...
The crowd roared. Ochochkah Negro nodded respectfully and glittered.

 - Go to the French artists. I call one of two, you two - one! Claude Monet and Edouard Manet! Your move, zaebantsy! Time has gone,
perdOlni morons !!! Go-go!!! Ole, ole, ole !!!
I wore. The crowd screamed.

Brothers Braves, it was unforgettable! I think that these are the moments referred to as "the moment of truth." From my thunder continuous flow fell artists, kings and heroes,
Cressy and Poitiers mingled with the Waterloo Marshal Ney harnessed donkey Panurge, adrenaline cannabis tears streaming down my cheeks. Bespesdy I plakal ... and do not hesitate.

Negrilka in ochochkah raised my hand, the crowd cheered. Polak disbanded. - Mozheche their chloneki vsodich in perdolni dupy Own! - I told them finally rumbled.
 - Shsch .. tssshsch psschshch ... .. - I had the answer.
The war was over for the complete destruction of the enemy.

I fumbled in my pocket last Pyatikhatki Zhorik and said: - I demand the continuation of the banquet!
Oddly enough, he understood everything.
When these bothered alloys fun oguitelnym raised the key. Yamaykanets with dreads began to strum the guitar hiphopovskuyu dregs.

 - What does he get along for playing? - I asked. (Almost "brother" - "And your music - shit ...»)
 - And this is for obkurke we always listen.
 - Come on give me the tools! No kuei Statement songs obkurke! And yet we find savages! SchA I'll sing!

... Oh, please just be with me, Comrade Memory!
Memory has been gracious to me, did not disappoint. Adjust (to boast) guitar, I drew from the depths of Lethe obkurochnuyu ancient song:

 - Pass-a-Lushai, friend -
Come on over, we beat, then chickens, it
Pass-a-Lushai, friend -
Let chicken-it, then ACT-ёm.
"I RASSC-azhu you about nonsense, about the guy», -
 - Said Sergei, -
 - "You see, I'm ready».
Said Sergei, blew jamb,
And we went!
Under the clouds ... and we nishtyak -
Take funny!
Funny take off!
Those who do not smoke cannabis,
He does not understand -
Come on, Gray, swear!

After a short training terminology ("Dude" - "Bon Om", "goat" - "Move th", "Murdo", "school" - "Joint", "Bukhara" - "e lot of-the drink changed", etc. .),
tolpen favorites Zhorik dudes sang the chorus (and sang!)
 - Stop,
Bukhari !!!
Well, tell the choir so -
That instead of vodka, they say,
Let's blow up a better school!
... Tell me, Sergei,
We are well with you fly ...
Take funny!
Here Bukhari falls again!
... Chorus - 2p.

For this song I have to pick up the other machine, our battalion:

 - Be-lai ap-miya,
Chёr-ny ba-ron
Sno-va prepare
We tsars cue throne ...

This song is strongly demanded simultaneous marching. All Caudle poured in a long, half a kilometer corridor where the Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary conducted basic training.

 - Leg above !!! Above leg, b ... Th! Nosochek pull !!! Push, e ... rful your mouth !!!
The knee does not bend with the bitch! Above leg !!! The entire soles! ...
... Oh, you whore non-combatant ...

I had to show the French non-combatant whores that has the front step of a Soviet soldier. Oh, sorry, Polak was gone!
Proguyachil across the corridor ceremonial step, clearly getting into the rhythm of the words formidable battalion marching song:

 - So let the Kras-naya!
Compress imperiously!










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