People who in childhood a lot and often had to deal with the depreciation of their parents in adult life, forced into the situation where their value as partners professionals as people with rights equal to others is being questioned or threatened.
And those who heard from adults constant reproaches, endured the rude, has always been guilty, and bad bits. And those who loved, but only if... he was always beautiful, smart, healthy, efficient, comfortable, most-most, etc. That is loved with the condition.
In these cases, the little man did not receive very important knowledge,
which forms not only a sense of security, but also self-esteem and appropriate self-esteem. The knowledge that "I am good with what I have. Love me simply because produced. And as it is, I'm valuable"
Of course, every adult knows that not everything in this world for him and not all must treat him well, love and respect. But the knowledge of itself as an a priori valuable
(in childhood for parents, and later, to himself) man is the support that allows you to select partners and inner circle of people who are able to appreciate and love
. Helps to discern and reject the bad, not the right attitude. To prevent injustice and violence in his address. Have the right to request and receive assistance and support.And that and the other style of parenting (see above) a red thread interwoven with the violence — moral (without the use of physical force) and physical.
Sometimes, for the first time, saying in the therapy of the word "violence", I face with surprise and some rejection — like those who systematically beat and the people, in which education was mainly psychological violence.
I think our mentality cruelty is so common form of communication with loved ones, especially among those born before the collapse of the USSR, which many perceived as the norm. And people who are lucky enough to grow up in a truly respectful, supportive and loving environment, in fact, very, very much.What's wrong with violence?
Because we all know that's not good. In addition, it prevents the development of the underlying security in the child, any abuse does not take into account the feelings of the victim
- When parents systematically beat, reject, or mock the child — they don't care that he was in these moments, scared, hurt, lonely and he can't because of their age to cope with the stress levels yourself.
- When parents expect or require that it be: to study only five, for crying out loud like a rag, to behave normally, not to interfere, or star ballet school — it does not matter that he has a lot of their feelings and needs, to which he received a ban.
And how to handle it — he, again, knows.That's "not important," the inability or unwillingness of an adult to see and to reckon with the real small man, and there's depreciation.
The complexity of such people in the relationship are often connected with the fact that they are difficult to distinguish bad from good. It is difficult to have your point of view and defend it. Imagine that you can not stand it when bad, and go for help to other people. Common shame associated with going to the psychologist — from here.
Even daring to rebel and assert his right, man is often found with a huge number of direct and indirect aggression in his address from the environment. So the system works.
Family, work, friendships and any other team — a system in which impaired people, like everyone else, takes his place, plays a role. And when he pretends to change is not a satisfactory situation — it's potentially a threat to the preservation of the homeostasis of the system in which it is located.Why is it important to know?
People, uncertain in their own right to be heard and seen, will meet with more resistance than those who history has always been put a lot of support. And this should be taken.
The search for its values in psychotherapy — consuming process. From the rubble of other people's attitudes need to bring to the surface their own, long ago rejected by loved ones feelings, find solace and learn to be in touch with desires.
Very quickly and through the efforts of these sprout shoots, like grass sprouting through the thick layer of asphalt. Need a lot of support and caring attitude, to show what once was denied in life. And very important stock of patience, effort and willingness of the client to withstand partial uncertainty, mixed feelings and stay in therapy.
Author: Maria Long
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©