Forty-year old woman told me how once as a child, her strict mother dressed her in a new dress and sending to walk on the street, a stern voice said, "Come dirty, I'll kill you!" She went to the yard and at first very afraid to do at least one awkward movement, with horror, imagining that a dress might have something to happen. But then the yard went the children began a game.
Fear gradually released her and she began to play like all children. But during the game, someone pushed her child in a ridiculous fight. She tripped, fell, lifting, stepped on the edge of the dress. He heard the snapping of the fabric, and to her horror, she saw her dress stained, with a torn frill. The feeling of horror she remembered for the whole life — she was absolutely sure that now her mom will kill her. She started crying, and cried so desperately that other moms who were in the yard, gathered around her and excitedly began to calm down. But nothing worked — because the child knew that mom would kill her.
Imagine what a shock the girl had experienced the horror she experienced really, if adults understand why she is crying, do not even have to persuade her to calm her down, and began to look for a way out. It brought home to one of the women where the dress was removed, washed, ironed to dry. Then they took her to the next street where there was couture. The women explained the situation to employees of the company, and cut off the frill sewn so that no trace remained. And only after the girl made sure nothing visibly, she calmed down.
I described this situation to show you — kids take it seriously, they trust us. We are significant people. Therefore, our opinion, the assessment which they believe as the absolute truth about them, for them sometimes sounds like a death sentence. Especially if we tell them this often, pointing them to some quality, ability or inability. They we really believe. And I think our opinion of them is finite as a diagnosis, which we put them. One mother told me with a sad voice, hopelessly:
— Poetry remembers the bad. Absolutely no memory!
And I was once again surprised how easily and thoughtlessly parents put their diagnoses, dooming the child to confirm this diagnosis.
But because you say it's your child, he will not remember, — every time I had to say. On the contrary, thanks to you, he already knows that he does not remember that memory had not... He takes this as the final conclusion about him...
We are depriving our children of opportunities for growth, disclosure of some abilities, placing such "diagnoses". I remember being surprised every time I see pictures of his grandson, long time, he painted these "finger paintings", which draw kids and not kids his age. His peers in kindergarten already painted detailed paintings, even showing the perspective, scale, mirroring the facial expressions of persons — he drew men by the principle, point, point, two circles, mouth, nose, ogurechik... I know — what brain structure is not yet formed, so it is so primitive and wrong for his age draws. And none of us, adults, did not say — you do not know how to draw... time Passed imperceptibly for all of us — the child suddenly began to draw, began to pass and perspective, and scale, and expressions. Simple — nobody gave him a "final" diagnosis, depriving him of the prospects to be able to draw.
(Many times, many adults draw something, we need to process some exercise, I heard: I can't draw! — "How do you know? — I asked. — Who told you that? You just start and you will not be able not be able! Can not, only those who knows can not and is not trying to..." And indeed, sometimes within a few days of training, people begin to be able to draw! Because just canceled "diagnosis", and put them in my childhood.)
Often it is our parent "diagnoses" lead to more serious consequences than the ability or inability to do something. Our opinions sometimes lead children to anxiety, to disbelief, to a lowering of the hands, to doom. Even our seemingly innocent, "so what did you do? What did you do, I ask you!" said a tragic voice about the not so meaningful act of the child, gives him the feeling that there was something terrible. Sometimes, again, even without wishing it, we call the child a sense of nepopravimoe incident, impending doom because he did what you cannot change!
And this can lead to a real tragedy (and such cases happen!) — the suicide of a child when he can't live under the weight of guilt and badness, instilled in him, albeit unconsciously, not on purpose, like punishing parents. As if we are sentencing the child to any particular behavior, telling him about the finiteness of their conclusions about him and his actions.
I heard the stories of many adults about how "persecuted" they are and in adult life, such are the "convictions" of parents. As my mother's remark, repeated many times in childhood: "my Lord! What kind of punishment!" — for many years caused a feeling of guilt, insecurity, even a fear of intimacy with a partner. Really — who needs a punishment! Why a — so — to ruin people's lives? As his mother's "prophecy": "Nothing good from you can't do it!", it is written for childish pranks and disobedience — was chasing a man all his life.
In the case of any failure, such a natural for any human living their life, these words floated in my head like a death sentence I told mom, nothing good from me will not work... "prophecy": "this bully, like you're going to jail!" — true in the most real sense — sooner or later the person went to jail. (And how many of them trapped in prison, my childhood was programmed by parents who put their children such a scary "diagnosis"!)
Being aware of our prophetic, creative abilities, we must understand that the child should not learn from us about such futile scripts of his life! To love a child means to teach him in any situation, for any failure or failure to see the future, believe in yourself, to seek and find a way out of any situation. Admit it, you, as an adult, living an adult life, you know how important this is. As it is important not to give up in any situation. How important it is to believe that all must be well... But we need to allow the child to see out, "nekonecne" any fact, act.
Help him to realize that things can change, that he has the power to correct the error, to become better, stronger. After all, we adults know that everything changes, that everything is "not sure." It is with this knowledge we need to share. This is what we need to tell them. And nobody but us will not tell our children that they have the ability to remain good even after bad things. Maybe this is one of the most important ideas that we must form our children, who really will support them in life. For which they will be truly grateful.
And this — you need again, to help the child understand the reason for their actions — so it will be easier to figure out how to change the situation, where to find the exit. And for this, again we need to have your good opinion on the child. As a good child, not like a criminal, which is a jail!
In these explanations, and the belief in the good of the child, who, even if he commits a bad deed, is to be corrected and to be a good man — is the true expression of love! Child bite — I need to tell him that he will soon grow up and stop biting. That all the little kids bite, but then all cease. The child took someone else's thing — because it is still small and can not resist his desires. But he definitely grows up and learns that everyone has their belongings and take them to be, just ask, whether will allow this person to take a thing belonging to him. And he will learn and grow as an honest man. The child fought, defended himself. But eventually he will understand that to defend yourself not only with a fight. He will learn to negotiate, he will learn to choose your friends that you do not have to fight. The child was rude to an adult, but he will learn to behave so as not to offend other people, so as not to disrupt his mood. All of this comes with age.
The child must know that he is normal. That he — "like this". Just — it is something learned not something made lightly. But it is possible to correct all my mistakes. He has the possibility of change. We must help the children understand that everything changes. His shyness will go away with time, what friends he must appear that "f" he will fix that after "unrequited" love will come another that life never ends while you're alive...
That's why, again, we, adults, so it is important to remember themselves young. We need to tell our children that we understand them, because they themselves in childhood — sometimes took someone else or cheat, fight, or failed in school. But make us good, normal people. We for our children should be examples Outlook in life. That's why we need to remember his childhood and to speak with our children about his childhood. About love that is over you are so sad for your struggles that passed with time. About your shyness, which took place over time. About your quarrels with peers, with whom you made peace later. There's always room to change for the better! published
Author: Olga Asinga