Once we brought our newborn daughter home, her older brothers first used to tell me that she cries, whimpers or a few smells suspiciously: "Mom, somebody wants you. The baby's crying". Or I sat for a moment, knowing that the child begins to Wake up... "Mom, I need you!" Well! I got it! And that's not to mention the fact that the needs of the newborn pale in comparison with the needs of two little boys.
Someone always needs to eat, someone always needs to be dressed, give the other sock, put the ice cubes in the water, to give a NEW boy scout troop to wipe the snot, hug, story, kiss. There were days when I thought the day would never end, and monotonous as when you constantly "need someone", can really do its work and impact negatively. But suddenly I was like thunder struck: they need Ya. Not someone else. Not some any other man in the world. They need their MOM.
The sooner I was able to accept the fact that motherhood means I'm never done, the faster I was able to find their place and to find peace in this crazy race at this stage of his life. The sooner I was able to understand that "mom" is my duty, my privilege and honor. And I'm ready to be where I'm needed, at any time of the day or night.
"Mother" – it means that I've just put the baby to sleep after feeding at 4 am, and then my three year old son had a nightmare. "Mother" – it means I survive on coffee and what not eat children. "Mother" – it means that my husband and I do not have time to talk normally for weeks. "Mom" means that I put their needs before your own, not even in thought. "Mother" – it means that my whole body hurts, and my heart is overflowing with love.
I'm sure the day will come when I will not be needed. My children scatter in all directions and will be absorbed by their lives. And I'll be sitting alone in some nursing home (the text is written by an American, in America, nursing homes are very good and spend old age – a normal practice – approx. ed.) and observe how fade my body. And then I will not be needed. Maybe I even become a burden.
Of course, they will visit me, but my hands will no longer be their home. And my kisses will no longer be for them a healing. And little booties, with which to wipe the dirt. And you don't have to fasten your seatbelt in the car. I'm going to read myself a bedtime story, seven times in a row. And I won't seek to break. No more backpacks that need packing and unpacking, boxes for lunch, which needs to be filled. And I'm sure my heart will cry, just to hear those little voices that call me, "Mom, somebody wants you!"
And now I seem to be fine these peaceful feeding at 4 in the morning in our cozy little nursery. We sit in our own lavender nest in a mighty oak. We look at how quietly the snow falls, as on the smooth white canvas of the hare. Just me and my baby, in the neighboring houses still dark and quiet. We only sit and watch as the pale moon rises and walls of a child's dancing shadow. She and I – just the two of us hear owl hoots in the distance.
We pressed against each other under the blanket, and I'm rocking her, so she went back to sleep. Already 4 am, I'm exhausted and tired, but it's okay, she needs me. Only I. And maybe I need it too. Because it makes me MOM. One day she will sleep all night. One day I'll be sitting on a wheelchair in my hands to be empty, and I'm going to dream about those quiet nights in the nursery. About that time, when she needed to, and we were only two in the whole world.
If I can enjoy what I need? Sometimes, certainly, but often it is very tiring. Plagues. But not necessary to enjoy every moment. It is a duty. God made me their mother. This provision, which I tried long before I realized it.
Three day weekend my husband could not believe his ears, how often our boys kept saying, "Mom. Mother, mother!" "They always like this?" he asked, not hiding the horror and sympathy. "Yes, all day, every day. It's my job". And I have to admit that this is the most difficult job of all that I have ever had.
In a previous life I was a Manager at the restaurant, a very popular chain in Florida. At 19:30, Saturday night, I was on distributing an endless stream of dishes, and suddenly the electricity went out... but it's nothing in comparison with what is happening at home at 17:00. And believe me, customers in South Florida to cater harder than anyone. But it was a gift from my sleepless boys, with a low level of blood sugar.
Once I had the time. For themselves. Now it would be nice to do a little bit of their nails. My bra for me is not sitting. My hair dryer is probably not working, I don't even know. I can't take a shower without an audience. I started using the eye cream. I no longer check ID. This is the proof of my motherhood. Proof that I need someone. Right now I have someone constantly needed. Same as last night...
At 3am I hear the patter of little feet – someone comes in my room. I lay quietly and barely breathing. Maybe he'll go back to my room. Yes!
"Mom!" – the voice becomes a little louder.
"Yes," I barely whisper.
He pauses, and his eyes sparkle in the dim light.
"I love you".
And he's gone. Sped back to his room. But his words still hanging in the chilly night air. If I could touch them and take, I would have grabbed those words and pressed them to his chest. His quiet voice that whispers the best words in the world. I love you. A smile touches my lips and I slowly exhale. I'm almost afraid that the memory will leave. I'm going back to sleep, and his words settle in my heart.
One day this little boy will be a grown man. And he will no longer whisper to me such sweet words at the wrong time. I hear only the beeps of machines and the snoring of her husband. I'll sleep the whole night, not going to worry about ill child or a crying baby. It will just remain in memory. They remember the years when I was needed, and it was exhausting, but short-lived.
We need to stop dreaming about how "one day" everything will be easier. Because the truth is: Yes, it can be easier, but better than today, never will be. Today, when I'm all covered in snot and saliva of young boys. Today, when I'm enjoying what little hands wrap around my neck. Today absolutely. "Someday" I will have a pedicure and I can take a shower alone. "Someday" I will get myself. But today I give myself to others, I'm tired, I'm filthy, but I love SO much, and so I have to go again. I need someone.published
YourBestNest, translation Alena Gasparian
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©