I even had not occurred to deeply reflect on the subject until, while in one of the lectures have not met the idea that dysfunctional families are included including those in which one or both parents are military personnel or who are teachers. Mused. Then I started remembering all the stories in the letters and in the classroom, where it was mentioned that the mother works as a school teacher, an Institute teacher, head of Department, doctor, and dad was in the military or continues to be, such it has appeared much.
And then in my seminars, I began to ask to raise hand those, whose parents occupy any leadership positions, manage their own business or are members of "respectable society professions" — scientists, health workers, teachers, educators, etc.
Sixty five million seven hundred seventy six thousand four hundred thirty
Suddenly it became clear that such people constitute a very significant part of my target audience. Sometimes there are whole dynasties of teachers, researchers, doctors, military men, employees of various departments, businessmen, etc., but on the inside, usually the situation is not so beautiful as it seems from the outside.
Stories are usually very similar, but are based on several scenarios: "mom we have a good, very smart, works hard, has a degree, speaks several foreign languages, and dad... dad is quiet, quiet, invisible almost, well, intelligent man, you know, we've got a good dad", "mom we have a very smart, hard working, work in good standing, honored teacher, and dad is drinking and/or gone from us," and sometimes, "we never saw", "mom we got the woman power, has achieved the, and the Pope is sitting on her throat", "dad we have a military/big boss/honored worker, sometimes a tyrant, her mother quietly (or not so quietly) suffering from it, but can not leave, because there is no place/because it loves/because it is not allowed."
In General, the history about the fact that one of the parents are very dear at work we have achieved great results, the money is earned (and perhaps without money), has a high position in the city administration/the title of honored teacher/academic degree and position in an elite University/a successful business/high military rank or any other attribute held in the society of the living, the second parent at the same time or was not so successful, or fairly well realized in a society, making the first decent pair.
Further events develop in such a way that the family is mom and/or dad, a young growing body and mind of a child get a continuation of the role of a "great, respected, and honored right" where not coming out of the social masks adults give orders like in the army, pose estimation, like in school, love is issued by portions, depending on how it was to earn it.
Brought the top five out of school, got a medal, a diploma on the great, wrote a dissertation — well, you get love, and if he dared to disobey, then "tap" with love blocked. And usually silently so, without further ADO scandals all this is done in an educated family.
Mom just hard to breathe, and dad shook his head, but that does not help. They are perfect, that don't even fight, and it is necessary to upset them. Although there are scandals. Exemplary worker role does not always work where we have to seriously deal with imperfect characters, nevalennyi injuries and considerable difference of opinion.
Forty eight million eight hundred forty six thousand five hundred eighty seven
On the work with positions of power, authority and position always can push, order, threaten with a fine, dismissal or any other punishment, but in such cases the family does not always work. Sooner or later the one who was subjected to scrutiny and constant pressure, stops being afraid and starts to arrange all kinds of riots, or simply closed away or even leaves the family.
It is clear that the majority of people aspires to live full and interesting life at that level, which allows you to do it their level of development. Sometimes, watching in childhood to hunger, poverty and devastation, a person decides to change everything, "out", becomes "an intellectual in the first generation" and decides to install in its new family rules, chooses for himself and his environment "all the best" wishes their children those capabilities which were at one time deprived myself.
It is clear that furniture for many thousands, the apartment is in a nice area of a big city, the ability to pay for children's education in the elite schools and universities, quality food and other bonuses held of life is the reality and which the dream was impossible once before, but it appears that the child, from childhood growing up in wealth and material prosperity, can not imagine how terrible to live in hunger and cold and not be able to afford to buy any clothes.
And, Oh, a great oddity, for some reason, ungrateful children in families with highest quality of material life often do not have enough emotional talk, warmth, attention and time spent together.
Yes, high positions, proper speech, etiquette, knowledge of foreign languages, proximity to the Bohemian circles also have their advantages, but in these families children often want to be allowed to make mistakes, to respect their choices, helps to cope with doubt, shared the conventional wisdom, etc.
The very fact itself, the desire to live according to the highest standards very good, Yes. Material wealth, spiritual wealth, a harmonious all-round development, good communication, high level of culture, good education, broad-minded, dignified position in society — not all it will be a wonderful basis for a happy and conscious life?
If you can live well, why live a bad thing? Another thing is that in most cases the idea of life to a high standard is implemented with a strong distortion, and is a high-quality role-playing samples in the form of parents and other senior family members, children get very aggressive and prone to violence at different levels of "supervisors".
Not too much, happy in my personal life adults begin to "wish the best" for those who live in their family, and who in the end happy with all these theses, good positions, honors, perfect and obedient in school children, if not audible laughter, no one a long time ago hugs, mom is struggling to obtain happiness from the new kitchen sets, silicone injections and fashionable outfits, dad quietly escapes of alcohol in the far corner luxury apartments, expensive chairs you can't sit down as for the broken dish from the French service relies severe reprimand and maybe even a boycott.
In such situations, the main problem lies in the fact that the person has achieved great success in professional activities (known musician, writer, artist, doctor, scientist, entrepreneur, head of any Department or enterprise, etc.) it's hard enough to admit even to himself that he can be not so perfect in other roles of his life for example , in the role of wife or husband, father or mother, grandfather or grandmother.
What will outweigh: the views, the admiration and gratitude of dozens of saved patients hundreds of loving students or business partners, thousands of enthusiastic readers and listeners two or three members of your family who somehow did not share the General euphoria regarding your person?
Unfortunately, most of these people think constructions like "ask anyone, all will say that I am a decent and honorable man, professional, great personality, and you're trying to say that I can not cope with the role of husband/wife or father/mother."
And is it any wonder, when the children or grandchildren of such people begin to arrange all kinds of riots with ditching school and throwing universities do not want to come to visit their parents on holidays, later inherited a few months free life, thrown to the winds, fall into bad company and so much more happens in "an intelligent family with high standards." Unfortunately.
What to do if the husband is insolent
Of course, the birth in such families is not a reason to destroy your life in every way trying to prove elder relatives how much you indifferent to all these "high standards" because of the action of nevalinna injury — not freedom, although at times and seem to be just that.
Many children think that now they "punish" their parents, denying and refuting their system of values, quitting my job, going to travel around the world (fortunately, the trend of fashion, you do not immediately know how much time is lost for nothing), through adulthood enjoying the "simple life", not burdened with boring lessons, such as the creation of family, birth of children, building social ties, etc.
Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy, but for some reason one day be on reception at the psychologist with query "I have no sense of meaning in what you do." Maybe because some people are born into families with high demands and the way of life to take all this as a basis, add missing components and make all this beautiful cocktail of high achievement and the good, quality relationship, create a safe atmosphere of love and development, and let these families on the planet becomes larger. published