Why is Iraq so quickly lost the war.

01.04.2002 4:30. Saudi Arabia. Air Force Base.
Lieutenant John Falcon was the last time comrades waved and climbed into the cab. It was filled with a sense of pride. Still, he was entrusted with such an honor! He learned about it from a general break, which said:
 - Entrusted to you a great honor, Lieutenant. You make the first combat flight on the newest top secret plane F-22M.
 - «M» means "modified"? - Said Falcon.
 - «M» means «Microsoft», - said the general. - The aircraft is completely remodeled these guys. They argue that it is now able to perform combat missions any idiot. But for the first time, we have chosen you as one of our best pilots. You'll have to destroy the Iraqi nuclear facility.
 - You can send condolences for Saddam right now, sir! - Answered Falcon.

Humor programmers

Lieutenant usual straps snapped, and only then noticed that the dashboard is markedly different from the standard. Instruments became less, but for a seat rested two-button mouse, somehow metallic.
Falcon shrugged and turned on the general nutrition.
On the front transparent screen, opens against the backdrop of the cabin sky with rare clouds appeared the inscription: Microsoft Winwars 2002. Then the engines started by themselves and fell into takeoff position flaps.
 - Congratulations on your purchase Winwars 2002! - Said the screen. - The war will become much more comfortable, your slain fall, and increase susceptibility purposes! Tip of the day: before landing landing gear.
 - Eagle 1, allowed the rise - came the headset.
 - I have not asked for - Falcon surprised.
 - And you do not need. Plug'n'Play, - explained the ground control.
The plane rapidly picking up speed, raced on the band and soon was in the air.
 - Now Winwars 2002 will make the installation of your ammunition to the selected objective - reported the system. - Selected Target: {ira sky Nuclear Center.
Falcon for fun clicked on the "Change" button and saw a long list, which among other facilities around the world featured the White House and the base from which he had just left. Falcon hurriedly pressed "cancel».
Select the type of installation:
Minimum - the object will be reset only bomb
Normal - the object will be dropped bombs and missiles
Full - the object will be dropped entirely plane
By default, the system offers a second option, and Falcon, warily glancing at the third, he decided not to argue with her.
 - Who will be tested the performance of your machine.
Close your eyes to avoid damage when changing modes.
Afterburner engines roared, and the Falcon's eyes indeed almost jumped out of their sockets by the monstrous overload. All hell broke loose: the plane tossed in all directions, he broke into a steep dive and laying unimaginable twists ... Finally the lieutenant came to himself; dispelled the darkness before his eyes, and he saw the wound on the cabin mouse again fell into place.
You take an airplane Lockheed F-22 with two engines Pratt & Whitney - imperturbably reported the system. - Maximum speed of 1451 miles per hour. Tip of the day: do not raise the clock speed of the turbine above the value specified by the manufacturer. Estimated installation time - 0:34:16.
The same day, 4:52. The sky over Iraq.
At the bottom of the screen slowly crawled blue strip with interest. The system, meanwhile, touted Winwars for tanks, submarines and Marines, as well as promised to all version of the aircraft acquired free applet "Kamikaze 1.01". Changing images acted on Falcon soporific; from his drowsy state it brought the sound of the buzzer. On the radar glowing green dot.
 - New Hardware Found: enemy aircraft! & Quot; - Happily said system.
Falcon was about to perform a standard battle turn, but then noticed the "Delete" button and clicked on her arm.
 - Are you sure you want to delete the enemy plane? - I asked suspiciously system.
 - Still would! - Falcon clicked "Yes." Iraqi fighter plane disappeared from radar. - So fast? - Lieutenant surprised. - Well, Microsoft is providing! - He even began to study uvaweniem appear on the screen advertising Winwars for pilots with disabilities, however, from this activity has diverted its rocket flown above the cabin.
Falcon in disbelief turned and saw Iraqi interceptor.
 - What are you, your mother ... - I exclaimed Falcon and only then saw that from obscure icons RecycleBin in the corner of the screen sticks painted samoleta.Leytenant tail furiously clicked on the icon and selecting "Delete».
 - Are you sure you want to physically remove the enemy plane? His recovery will be impossible. - Warned the system.
 - YES! - Barked Falcon, hammering mouse. From under the wing broke and Sidewinder, leaving a white trail of fluffy, rushed toward the interceptor. Flashed flash bang, and the burning wreckage of an enemy machine flew to the ground.
However, it was too early to calm down. Twang sound warned of a new danger.
 - New Hardware Found: missile "surface-to-air»! & Quot; - Told the system and fell into a reverie. In vain Falcon pounded on his arm, looking as ominous point of crawling to the center of the radar. Finally, the system came out of the stupor:
 - I can not find a driver for that device. Insert the driver disk, and click OK.
With curses Falcon pressed "Search».
 - Closest match: hand grenades - cheered his system. - Apply?
Falcon pulled toward the handle, leaving in missile maneuver. Too late. The plane shuddered from the blast. With difficulty withdrawing the damaged machine from the peak, the pilot clicked on the button "System". Under the line "left wing" of light zhetlymi tregolnikami with exclamation marks "Aileron" and "Flap", but the rest of it cheaply. The blue bar, continues to creep downstairs, showed already 82%, and he still had a chance to do the job.
Radar showed two more enemy aircraft, but they went back and Falcon is not particularly bothered. He knew that this Iraqi junk just do not catch up with the F-22 bullet.
However, the planes were approaching. Falcon puzzled looked at the speedometer and saw that his velocity decreases rapidly.
 - What the hell?! - Said the lieutenant. - Engines is in order and full of fuel!
The screen in the meantime began fierce pomargivat hourglass icon. Arrows devices moved by short spurts, congealing long in one position.
 - Not enough free memory - condescended to explain the system. - Shut down unnecessary tasks.
Falcon called the task list, trying to understand the meaning of the name or type winppl v666apl and which are superfluous. Meanwhile, the engines almost became silent, the rate dropped to a critical: a little bit more - and the plane will crash down. Stunned by such tactics of air combat Iraqis whizzed past, one left and one right, and the comfort of stupor, faced the nose of Falcon.
Lieutenant meanwhile found in the list of line "Tracking enemy", next to which was listed in parentheses: & quot; [No reply] & quot ;, and click "OK". Radar screen is off, but the plane began to pick up speed again.
The blue bars indicate the 99% already ... then, finally, and Falcon 100 with a puzzled looking at the ground: at the bottom of the desert did not like learning them satellite photographs of nuclear center. It seems to understand this system, because behind the 100% appeared 101 ... then 102 ...
On the screen is 106 blue flooded, and there was an inscription:
 - Error 000000e, due module VXD0000 (0) from the module VXD0000 (0). Perhaps the normal continuation of the flight. You can press the Eject button to the bailout, or any other key to continue. Caution: If you lose the whole bailout unsaved aircraft.
Catapult Falcon is not going to, especially since the front finally revealed nuclear facility. Realizing that Microsoft is no longer rely lieutenant prepared to carry out the bombing manually. He took the plane to reduce waiting until the mark guidance system superimposed on the target. There!
Falcon pressed the button.
Something rasped, and a new message popped up:
 - Bombolyuka performed an illegal operation and will be closed.
With curse Falcon pulled the stick back again to send the car up. But the plane continued to decline rapidly. Lieutenant frantically groped mouse on menues, looking for the cause.
 - The joystick is not defined. - He read at last. Realizing that return the system to a working state can only restart Falcon Cycle power to the remote.
 - Last flight was finished incorrectly, - told him the system. - Press any key to begin checking the integrity of the aircraft.
 - To hell! - Barked Falcon, clicking "Cancel". There was a splash Winwars 2002; system slowly began to load. Before the land were already a few hundred meters.
 - The system is loaded in safe mode, - finally told the screen. - In this mode, the disabled functions of the flight and the use of weapons, you can only drive on the airfield. & Quot;
Realizing that there was nothing more he do not have time, Falcon blasted «Eject», expecting that now the cockpit hood would be shot off, and then a powerful blow to reduce emissions into the air. Instead, the screen came the next question:
 - Are you sure you really want to eject?
 - YES!!! - Falcon roared hysterically looking at rushing toward the ground.
 - Wait, is preparing for the ejection & quot ;, - calmly informed the system and plunged into a reverie ...
02.04.2002, 13:20. Baghdad. Palace of Saddam Hussein.
 - So - cheerfully reported the general - thanks to the dedicated efforts of our pilots have entered into an unequal battle with the American aggressor managed to defend the safety of the nuclear center and destroyed the newest secret enemy plane ...
 - Yes? - The heavy look of the dictator stared at the speaker's face, and he quickly looked down. - In fact, unequal. Three against one, and the happiness that they did not survive because he still reached the center. If the center of that and saved, it is only the grace of Allah.
General cold sweat. He understood that his now-no mercy of Allah will not save.
 - You have 30 seconds to defend himself, - lazily threw Saddam.
 - Here! - She exclaimed general, taking out the sealed container shiny CD. - It is found among the wreckage. The top American computer technology! The latest military equipment management program!
 - Well, you came a small chance - dictator sat back in his chair. - For three weeks it should be installed on all combat vehicles in our army.
 - Wilco, Mr. President! - I exclaimed the general ...
Three weeks and one day Iraq unconditionally surrendered.

Author - andre


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