"You're me, I'm you": why strict reciprocity hurts relationships

The principle of “you to me, I to you” does not work in romantic relationships, as it makes them look like a partnership between strangers.

In modern society, many people strive for equal and mutually beneficial relations. However, too strict an approach to reciprocity can lead to undesirable consequences. The principle of “you to me, I to you” is often perceived as the basis of a healthy relationship, but in practice it can create tension and alienation between partners. In this article, we’ll look at why strict reciprocity hurts relationships and how to create more harmonious and deeper bonds.

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What is strict reciprocity?

Strict reciprocity It is an approach to relationships based on the principle of equal exchange: each partner should give and receive equally in all aspects. This includes emotional support, household responsibilities, financial expenses, etc.

Why does it seem right?

• Justice: Everyone likes a sense of justice and equality.
• Simplicity: Clear rules facilitate understanding and expectations.
• Avoidance of offense: Clear boundaries help avoid feeling underserved or overcrowded.

Equality is not just a balance, but a harmony between gifts and needs. - James Allen.

Why strict reciprocity is harmful

1. Lack of flexibility

A rigorous approach to reciprocity does not take into account the variability of life circumstances and needs. In real life, it is sometimes necessary to move away from strict rules for the good of relationships.

• Unpredictable situations: Illness, job loss, or other life difficulties require flexibility.
• Emotional needs: Sometimes one partner needs more attention or support.

2. Loss of identity

When a relationship is built solely on the principle of reciprocity, partners can forget about their personal needs and interests, trying only to meet each other's expectations.

• Selflessness: Sacrificing your interests for the sake of balance can lead to internal discontent.
• Passion fading: A lack of self-interest can make a relationship routine and boring.

True love does not require calculation, it accepts and gives without conditions. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

3. Creating competition

Strict reciprocity can turn a relationship into an equals game where each partner tries to match or outperform the other. This leads to competition instead of cooperation.

• Comparison: Comparing yourself to a partner can cause feelings of inferiority.
• Voltage: Competition creates unnecessary tension and conflict.

Alternative approaches to relationships

1. Emotional support

Instead of strict reciprocity, focus on emotional support. Understanding and supporting a partner in difficult times strengthens communication and trust.

• Hearing: Actively listen and take an interest in your partner’s feelings and experiences.
• Support: Provide support without expecting immediate returns.

2. Flexibility and adaptability

Be prepared to adapt to changing circumstances and needs. Flexibility helps maintain harmony in relationships even in volatile times.

• Adaptation: Change roles and responsibilities depending on the situation.
• Compromise: Find solutions that satisfy both partners.

3. Individual development

Develop your personal interests and hobbies. Supporting individual growth makes relationships richer and more interesting.

• Personal time: Make time for your hobbies and interests.
• Joint interests: Find common hobbies that unite you.

True relationships are built on respect for each partner’s individuality. - Albert Camus.

Examples from life

Many well-known couples have gone through the trials of strict reciprocity and realized that a more flexible approach brings more happiness and harmony. Consider a few examples:

1. Joan and Michael

Joan and Michael decided to first build a strong friendship before moving on to a romantic relationship. This helped them understand each other better and avoid many misunderstandings.

2. Anna and Sergey

Anna and Sergey faced difficulties in the relationship due to strict reciprocity. They decided to see a family psychologist who helped them find a balance between support and personal boundaries.

Conclusion

The principle of “you to me, I to you” may seem attractive in theory, but in practice it often leads to tension and alienation. Instead, aim for a more flexible and emotionally charged relationship based on mutual support, respect, and understanding. This will help to create strong and harmonious ties that will bring joy and satisfaction to both partners.

“Love is not counting, but endless giving.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Remember that true relationships are not based on calculations, but on sincere feelings and mutual understanding. Let your relationship develop naturally and it will bring you true happiness and harmony.