Do you have children? A childless friend? If the answer is "Yes" and "Yes", then probably at least once in your life had a situation when children were the cause of your quarrel c a friend, or if you intentionally or unintentionally let my friend down because "I had a child..." — we need to expose (a child always need something!).
Can a friendship between childless and "water-borne"? Or, giving birth to a child, we will forever remain on the other side of the fence, and true friendship with one who has not yet become a mother, doesn't work? I propose to look at the situation from two sides.
A friend with a child is always at risk
How to be friends with a friend that has small children? You should always be ready to... breakdown of joint plans.
A friend with a child is always at risk. At any moment it can bring you and at the last minute to cancel the trip to the event, carefully planned many months ago.
Probably, every mother knows the situation when she, beautiful and elegant, standing in the hallway to go to the long-awaited concert/exhibition/walk, where waiting for her friend, and the child suddenly raised the temperature under 40. You shoot a new dress, doing makeup, call a friend and stay at home. Because — even in the presence of her husband's home, nannies and grandparents at the same time — enjoy the concert, knowing that at this time your child suffers a fever, — it is impossible.
Beware of slippery topic!
How to be friends with the people who haven't had their children? You have to filter on the percentage of "child" themes.
Of course, we always have something to talk about besides the children and we are discussing travel, books, movies, relationships, politics, and recipes. But admit it, sometimes it's just dying to share something pure childish: the fact that the daughter won a local drawing contest, and the son read in 8 years "the Lost world" by Conan Doyle, and together they are in the morning while my husband slept, cooked us a Deluxe hot Breakfast (turning the kitchen into a kind of Kulikovo field after the battle, but this is minor?). And now, when I open my mouth to show off to a childless friend of the accomplishments of their children, in my head turn on the red bulb: "Caution, slippery topic! The risk of being branded a mother-hen!".
And I am silent, thinking, well, except a childless girl may be interested? Certainly, I'm not right. But to be a mother-hen that anything other than posterity, to speak not able to, it's still scary.By the way, this is very often the beginning of the end of friendship. When a friend recently gave birth dissolves in the baby and maternal happiness. Forget about Hobbies (dancing, languages, reading, theatre), which was previously tied up girlfriends.
Or just can't find time for him with the child. Forget about the other topics... forgets about everything except the baby! Of course, it goes with the times. And one year (plus or minus) of all mothers begins to slowly let go of hormonal captivity. But not everyone without children girlfriend waiting for this moment.
My first Rodi!
When you're friends with a girl who has no children, it is sometimes very difficult to resist the phrase "my first Rodi!". Especially when a childless friend start handing out advice on parenting.
"Just give him some ass already!"
"So I would with your child so never acted".
When I hear the subjunctive, I'm losing my visor. In the subjunctive mood we are all heroes. At such times you just bite yourself fingers, to say: "give Birth to their first and then we'll talk!". This is a terrible devaluing and insulting phrase. But it often comes to mind only she ( and to hold, I again turn on in my head flashing red bulb: "Caution! The danger of hurt!").
Another stumbling block is the different degree daily load. I look at my childless friends and think of the idea, which is a shame: what you can tired? Intellectually I understand that it is possible to get tired and lay on the couch with a magazine and coffee. And half a day's work in the office and is unable to deny. Everyone has their own level of endurance and its load. But when you're after a crazy day, consisting of works of the matinee in the garden, parent meetings at school, shopping, cooking, checking homework and ratnamani children's quarrels, falling on the couch exhausted, in such moments it's hard to sympathize with a friend who tells how she was tired today from one business meetings and shopping.
— Tired? Ha ha ha! What do you know about fatigue?
Ashamed, wrong, hurt. But be honest who of you never thought of that, at least once?
On the other side of the fence
I gave birth relatively early, and one of the first in our company. So there was always the "friend with child", and then with two. Therefore, with particular interest recorded these stories.The story of the first
"Among my friends I had a baby in the very last, so I had a great opportunity to experience for themselves the difficulties of the relationship "water-borne" and "childless". Although, if you think about it, the real difficulty I had with only one of my friends. She gave birth to, I together with other girls visited her. A couple of times. And then... I don't know. Call to chat, and the background can be heard crying baby and immediately feel very embarrassed: call here with your nonsense, and there's a child crying — this is serious! Gradually the calls became less, it seemed that my calls and visits, in fact, do not need especially a friend plunged to his family. As it turned out much later that my friend perceived the situation quite differently. It seemed to me that I show sensitivity and do not climb there where and without me very busy. And she felt that it was just left. To say that she couldn't — not the character. As a result, the friendship is gone.
But I have a story with a happy ending. My other friend gave birth just called and said: come, I want to see you, don't worry. Of course, not every invitation I could resonate, but still a connection we kept, and the relationship was saved.
Now with the current situation I'm forced to admit that "water-borne" and "childless" different perception of many things and situations. And this difference does not contribute to the strengthening of relations between friends. But still convinced that subject to a certain delicacy on both sides, and an open position (i.e., the ability not to suppress their desires and resentments and to talk about it!) friendship is quite possible to maintain and even improve".The second story
"I'm 31, and at some point I realized that my friends are almost all married and had children. To say that the relationship with them has changed because of the children, it would be wrong. They changed at the stage when the girls got married and dropped out of the overall company, because it began to pay more attention to the husbands.
If you look objectively, of course, with the birth of children there are some unsolvable problems. For example, in this New year, both my close friends stayed at home with temperaturewise children, and I had to celebrate the holiday with my parents for a boring eating Olivier. But that I was not annoyed — it happens. In the end, I have no children to stay home sick.
Perhaps, in relations with delivered friends annoyed by two aspects: the fact that in any strange situation, they cry, their parents! And the fact that they begin to hide behind children when they just do not want to do.
— If you're coming for the weekend?
— No, my child.
— Well, come with child.
— No, I can't do that. The child is a child. He's a kid.
And then you remember that last weekend she had a really great time in another place, and it did not trouble the child. And I understand that over the weekend she was going somewhere to do something that she was interested. I can honestly say, reluctant to be dragged out of town, too lazy. She sighs, turning on the tears, nodding to the stroller, "I'd love to, but the child...".
I still think that to save the friendship! Difficult, but possible. But here it is necessary to try both sides.Friends with kids — just to forget about the existence of the phrase "My first Rodi!".
Often to remember my life before children, then I think it's something do not want not they could? And tired we are exactly the same although the load and employment were seemingly disproportionately less. Is more interested in the lives of their friends, not to forget about your own interests and Hobbies.Friends without children to ask themselves about their children's friends: all the same, you probably will tell about their successes, but if you ask yourself — your friend will be very pleased.
To offer my help with children. A friend who sometimes agree to sit with your child, this is a friend of the 80th level! Besides, if you sometimes stay with a child one-on-one, you will be able to better understand the woman who became a young mother. Try to stay away from parenting advice, even if you think that you know better.And the main thing — is to say all their grievances, to be attentive and careful to each other and often to remember how you became friends and you each other attracted.
Author: Elena SAI
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©