Bashny.Net
Toxic parents: invisible poison drop by drop
Bashny.Net
The most common question – where can I read about toxic parents and understand who they are — not to me whether it happened. If you type in any search engine of the English query "toxic parents" on the results will be a lot of articles under the headline "7 signs that you grew up in a family toxic parents," "3 major injury toxic parent," "5 types of violence toxic parents" — and they are all well written, you can pick up and translate.
Moreover, the book is a bestseller one of the most talented therapists in the region Susan Forward translated into Russian language. And although you can argue with the translation of the title of the book ("bad parents") – the fact remains that you can buy and read.
photo: Anna Radchenko
But mth humble opinion that the concept of toxic parents demands, at least, explain how the maximum adaptation to our realities. Just translated texts are not completely clear. To put it mildly.
In psychology, as perhaps nowhere is the difference in mentality plays a huge role in the perception of information. In 90-e years when everything was possible, even what you shouldn't do this, we rushed to the fruits of Western psychology, first pop psychology (Hello, Carnegie!). But the unusual fruits are difficult to digest without the necessary "enzymes". It's not about who is better or worse, it's about logical connection of the generations.
Oh, the great power of inheritance of behavior! Experiment "we so excited" — a classic of social psychology. Sometimes why something is done no one really can not explain, but the grandparents did and there is nothing to change orders. How familiar might be inhuman, you can see on the example of the African tribe of Kara and their ritual of “mingi” – is the belief that a child whose upper teeth erupt before the lower damn.
And these "unclean" children did not bring the tribe of famine, drought and disease, they are left to die in the Bush or choking, falling asleep the earth in my mouth and they suffocate. Thousands of children were killed in this way. And examples of "so excited" — the mass. No logic, no special sadism, only tradition, so opened "you don't want to anger the dead ancestors".
And maybe at first this comparison might sound cruel, but something similar can be seen in the advice of some members of the older generation about "do not approach a newborn – and pooret stop, and then getting spoiled". Although for many years John Bowlby told the world about his theory of attachment and its findings: that little kid calling cry of the mother, is not something that is not Caprice – it's his basic need for survival, this is his sink or swim, that's all he now knows.
And after that neuropsychologists will complement his theory about changes in the brain in children whose basic attachment is not formed or disintegrated by purchasing a form of "perpetual neurosis" (or anxious attachment) and after that in Europe, parents will be allowed to stay in the hospital with children (in the sense of it will be paid for by insurance), then there will be a revised advice of pediatricians and parents already in the last stage – it will be a normal family practice and other approaches will cause confusion. That is, this is a story about how science is changing tradition. At least there, where its light penetrates.
That is, don't get me wrong, we are not talking about that, learning about attachment theories, all mothers in this moment got up in the night with a happy smile and happily wagging works of Bowlby ran to the child and so every 2 hours, no, but when they will not have this power – it will be voiced as a problem, as within the family, both as a state problem, that is, requiring funding if the mother and her family fail to pay for the nannies, nurses, contacting social services, etc.
And it's not about what they are all good, and what we are all retarded, that is not the case, the fact that Capital rules the world. And, oddly enough, sometimes successfully. It would seem, where is the money? Is it not the opposite, isn't that additional cost? Passed all 3 months in a manger and to the machine?
Not really, if we live in the 21st century and competition is not a population, but through its quality. And the quality of the population is highly correlated with his mental health and ability to self-realization – or no technological breakthroughs.
We can no longer rely on belief in mother nature and its ability to produce geniuses that appear in spite of everything, because a genius it is still a genetic adventure. It is important to give creative freedom to a large enough number of people so they can serve a system created by geniuses. Leonardo da Vinci may be the one who invent everything, the population at the time just happily someone once again burned at the stake. Andcreative freedom is impossible without self-confidence and experience a secure attachment.
There is another important commercial factor for the increased attention to parent-child relations and the same theory of attachment. The West has long to the psychology came the insurance companies, that is, psychotherapeutic treatment is not paid by the patient and his insurance. And they know how to count money. And it turns out? Depression, traumatic experiences, personality disorders and associated problems, addiction – awfully expensive treatment because a long, difficult and often requires the participation of a whole team of highly qualified professionals.
And then, significant funds have been thrown at studying – how to avoid it. Genetics the genetics, but maybe something else?
And of course, today, the accumulated weight of evidence on the impact of childhood emotional (and especially physical) violence in childhood on brain development and on the development of mental disorders.
For example, the first available under the hand "Toward understanding the impact of early trauma on the developing human brain" ("To understanding the impact of trauma on early development of the human brain") and "Long-term consequences of childhood maltreatment: Altered amygdala functional connectivity." ("The long-term consequences of maltreatment in childhood: changing functional relationships amigdala").
As you might guess from the names, without any mysticism and ancestral curses, traumatic childhoods (including in the aspect of emotional injury) changes the structure of the brain, because the brain is in the process of tuning yourself – if pens grow legs in the womb, psychological handles-legs actively growing until about the puberty.
A very serious scientific paperss, for example, "the Neurobiological basis of suicide" show the relationship of traumatic childhood, and not only violations in the formation and working of the brain, but disorders in the expression of DNA. Again, no mystery. Our DNA is a library, of course, someone initially more books, and they're about nature, someone smaller, and they are about the war, but the most important factor – who is going to read them, that is, which tasks will deliver Wednesday.
That is, a child in a traumatic situation develops depressive behavior – a life-saving cocoon from the world, that protects his mind. The price of this cocoon by the user from among DNA, rebuilding the brain on the "depressive" type (because our behaviour has a neurobiological basis), the same serotonin receptors such child to be less, and no "pull yourself together, you wimp" or "look there's the son of Maria Petrovna what made, and you..." will not help the depressed brain at the age of 20 years so take, and rebuild your neural pathways and grow more receptors (the good news is that psychotherapy and medications often help, but more on that separately).
And it is estimated insurance companies in the market of psychotherapeutic services, as they say, associated with the appearance of juvenile justice – the idea of prevention of domestic violence and monitoring of the family environment and special services. And it is therefore not clear moment "Russian mother in Finland barked at me and came for her" — is the difference of cultures and mentalities – and of course, mom is not always the sadist in such situations. We are now of course not about who is better or worse, we are about as historically.
This is a long Preface to the fact that some styles of parental behavior in Western society in the mass has learned to count threat – we did not fit in the head of the story about the African tribe and strangulation of children's teeth, prorezalsya in the sequence.
Not only where child beating to bruises; not only where drunk mom did not even realize that someone gave birth to; not only where "the thing", "bitch", "bastard", "the whole life you wrong" and other epithets of the same novel by Pavel Sanaev "Bury me behind a plinth" the norm of communication of the child with an adult.
But publicly acknowledged, discussed and condemned as unacceptable and more subtle things – toxic behavior of parents in a prosperous-looking families. From this behavior and called toxic – it is invisible, unlike direct violence, it's like a poison like poison, slowly add in a meal – day after day, drop by drop, sneak into the heart and make it dead. All these "you have to marry because I am ashamed in front of friends", "you can go now to your wife when your own mother lies with a headache" "what grandson means it is not necessary to introduce solid foods in a month – I know I raised you" etc.
And here, I think,the most IMPORTANT point, one of the main stumbling blocks and misunderstandings.In a society where social norms are legalized to some extent to children, those who violate it are criminals – kill the children, and those who kill or otherwise mentally ill and exhibit ANTISOCIAL behavior and violation of social taboos screwed on individual psychopathology.
But if there is a legalization of a certain behavior, as for the murderers of their "napravilnyh" children, in fact, in the clinical sense through the prism of a particular society, these mothers are not psychotic and sadistic, as if this were, if this happened in Moscow. We can talk to them about other civilizations and to argue about the legality of the plantations in their society of Christian morality, but not about mass psychopathology. That does not prevent the homicide to be murder, and children die EN masse.
In the same way, and that somewhere is called violence, and somewhere in the norm. In fact, some parents really don't know "otherwise if you don't yell". They are excellent for books, short trainings, advice of psychologists, etc. That is, if in a society where hitting children, yelling at them and manipulate – a taboo, because there are other forms of interaction, and for those who can not cope with the framework of taboo — forms of assistance, hence the violator of the taboo in such a situation it is the horror, the horror, the horror.
So here the concept of the horror, the horror we have applied and to those who just REALLY don't know how else and with the support of others can change their behavior. Which makes sense is a protest and denial of the whole concept of children "is not such a" parental behavior in General – because the criticism is heard, but no help.
And toxic parents – it's all about the subtle matter. We have a society that is not fully taboo even physical violence against children, and the theme of verbal violence and the toxic manipulation – anything from a heading "their morals" (read – waste). No society can go to more difficult levels, when the unsolved problems of the previous one.
That is why the topic of toxic parents to some ridiculous, far-fetched or whims of ungrateful children – if the beatings are still willing to discuss the emotional violence in a relatively affluent families, not really. From this to children of toxic parents it is even harder to find support and understandinge, they are in constant contradiction between the social message of "Yes, the children of war in your childhood would give anything" and the internal a painful emptiness and a nagging feeling of "everything's wrong with me", the reason for which I can not see.
Practicing psychologists working in the Russian-speaking space, spend a lot of time in the first place to explain to your client that parental neglect of the emotions, deaf to his words, the mother as the center of the family universe and all its hysteria-manipulation, endless criticism for everything there is – everything is influenced (and influences) on what is now happening to him, even if he initially thought "I have no idea what this emptiness and terror within, I'm from a normal family, not some sort of alcoholics".
Init is important to understand the fact that certain behaviors of parents, even if it is covered by the phrases "it's for your own good", "I sacrificed so much", "when you were born I had to quit my job/my husband/your city etc." is traumatic on all levels – neurobiological, psychological, and physical; it is important to understand that this knowledge need not for someone to blame and assign responsibility for all their troubles, no, it's in order so just to differentiate my responsibility NOT HIS – and stop endlessly blaming yourself for the past.
Really want to children of toxic parents knew with you it was just your pain and certain behavior is a normal reaction to toxic injury, even if the majority of people will assume that you are to blame – you have the same first teeth erupted from the top...posted
Author: Julia Lapina
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
Source: www.facebook.com/psychology.lapina/posts/1873586226202956
Moreover, the book is a bestseller one of the most talented therapists in the region Susan Forward translated into Russian language. And although you can argue with the translation of the title of the book ("bad parents") – the fact remains that you can buy and read.
photo: Anna Radchenko
But mth humble opinion that the concept of toxic parents demands, at least, explain how the maximum adaptation to our realities. Just translated texts are not completely clear. To put it mildly.
In psychology, as perhaps nowhere is the difference in mentality plays a huge role in the perception of information. In 90-e years when everything was possible, even what you shouldn't do this, we rushed to the fruits of Western psychology, first pop psychology (Hello, Carnegie!). But the unusual fruits are difficult to digest without the necessary "enzymes". It's not about who is better or worse, it's about logical connection of the generations.
Oh, the great power of inheritance of behavior! Experiment "we so excited" — a classic of social psychology. Sometimes why something is done no one really can not explain, but the grandparents did and there is nothing to change orders. How familiar might be inhuman, you can see on the example of the African tribe of Kara and their ritual of “mingi” – is the belief that a child whose upper teeth erupt before the lower damn.
And these "unclean" children did not bring the tribe of famine, drought and disease, they are left to die in the Bush or choking, falling asleep the earth in my mouth and they suffocate. Thousands of children were killed in this way. And examples of "so excited" — the mass. No logic, no special sadism, only tradition, so opened "you don't want to anger the dead ancestors".
And maybe at first this comparison might sound cruel, but something similar can be seen in the advice of some members of the older generation about "do not approach a newborn – and pooret stop, and then getting spoiled". Although for many years John Bowlby told the world about his theory of attachment and its findings: that little kid calling cry of the mother, is not something that is not Caprice – it's his basic need for survival, this is his sink or swim, that's all he now knows.
And after that neuropsychologists will complement his theory about changes in the brain in children whose basic attachment is not formed or disintegrated by purchasing a form of "perpetual neurosis" (or anxious attachment) and after that in Europe, parents will be allowed to stay in the hospital with children (in the sense of it will be paid for by insurance), then there will be a revised advice of pediatricians and parents already in the last stage – it will be a normal family practice and other approaches will cause confusion. That is, this is a story about how science is changing tradition. At least there, where its light penetrates.
That is, don't get me wrong, we are not talking about that, learning about attachment theories, all mothers in this moment got up in the night with a happy smile and happily wagging works of Bowlby ran to the child and so every 2 hours, no, but when they will not have this power – it will be voiced as a problem, as within the family, both as a state problem, that is, requiring funding if the mother and her family fail to pay for the nannies, nurses, contacting social services, etc.
And it's not about what they are all good, and what we are all retarded, that is not the case, the fact that Capital rules the world. And, oddly enough, sometimes successfully. It would seem, where is the money? Is it not the opposite, isn't that additional cost? Passed all 3 months in a manger and to the machine?
Not really, if we live in the 21st century and competition is not a population, but through its quality. And the quality of the population is highly correlated with his mental health and ability to self-realization – or no technological breakthroughs.
We can no longer rely on belief in mother nature and its ability to produce geniuses that appear in spite of everything, because a genius it is still a genetic adventure. It is important to give creative freedom to a large enough number of people so they can serve a system created by geniuses. Leonardo da Vinci may be the one who invent everything, the population at the time just happily someone once again burned at the stake. Andcreative freedom is impossible without self-confidence and experience a secure attachment.
There is another important commercial factor for the increased attention to parent-child relations and the same theory of attachment. The West has long to the psychology came the insurance companies, that is, psychotherapeutic treatment is not paid by the patient and his insurance. And they know how to count money. And it turns out? Depression, traumatic experiences, personality disorders and associated problems, addiction – awfully expensive treatment because a long, difficult and often requires the participation of a whole team of highly qualified professionals.
And then, significant funds have been thrown at studying – how to avoid it. Genetics the genetics, but maybe something else?
And of course, today, the accumulated weight of evidence on the impact of childhood emotional (and especially physical) violence in childhood on brain development and on the development of mental disorders.
For example, the first available under the hand "Toward understanding the impact of early trauma on the developing human brain" ("To understanding the impact of trauma on early development of the human brain") and "Long-term consequences of childhood maltreatment: Altered amygdala functional connectivity." ("The long-term consequences of maltreatment in childhood: changing functional relationships amigdala").
As you might guess from the names, without any mysticism and ancestral curses, traumatic childhoods (including in the aspect of emotional injury) changes the structure of the brain, because the brain is in the process of tuning yourself – if pens grow legs in the womb, psychological handles-legs actively growing until about the puberty.
A very serious scientific paperss, for example, "the Neurobiological basis of suicide" show the relationship of traumatic childhood, and not only violations in the formation and working of the brain, but disorders in the expression of DNA. Again, no mystery. Our DNA is a library, of course, someone initially more books, and they're about nature, someone smaller, and they are about the war, but the most important factor – who is going to read them, that is, which tasks will deliver Wednesday.
That is, a child in a traumatic situation develops depressive behavior – a life-saving cocoon from the world, that protects his mind. The price of this cocoon by the user from among DNA, rebuilding the brain on the "depressive" type (because our behaviour has a neurobiological basis), the same serotonin receptors such child to be less, and no "pull yourself together, you wimp" or "look there's the son of Maria Petrovna what made, and you..." will not help the depressed brain at the age of 20 years so take, and rebuild your neural pathways and grow more receptors (the good news is that psychotherapy and medications often help, but more on that separately).
And it is estimated insurance companies in the market of psychotherapeutic services, as they say, associated with the appearance of juvenile justice – the idea of prevention of domestic violence and monitoring of the family environment and special services. And it is therefore not clear moment "Russian mother in Finland barked at me and came for her" — is the difference of cultures and mentalities – and of course, mom is not always the sadist in such situations. We are now of course not about who is better or worse, we are about as historically.
This is a long Preface to the fact that some styles of parental behavior in Western society in the mass has learned to count threat – we did not fit in the head of the story about the African tribe and strangulation of children's teeth, prorezalsya in the sequence.
Not only where child beating to bruises; not only where drunk mom did not even realize that someone gave birth to; not only where "the thing", "bitch", "bastard", "the whole life you wrong" and other epithets of the same novel by Pavel Sanaev "Bury me behind a plinth" the norm of communication of the child with an adult.
But publicly acknowledged, discussed and condemned as unacceptable and more subtle things – toxic behavior of parents in a prosperous-looking families. From this behavior and called toxic – it is invisible, unlike direct violence, it's like a poison like poison, slowly add in a meal – day after day, drop by drop, sneak into the heart and make it dead. All these "you have to marry because I am ashamed in front of friends", "you can go now to your wife when your own mother lies with a headache" "what grandson means it is not necessary to introduce solid foods in a month – I know I raised you" etc.
And here, I think,the most IMPORTANT point, one of the main stumbling blocks and misunderstandings.In a society where social norms are legalized to some extent to children, those who violate it are criminals – kill the children, and those who kill or otherwise mentally ill and exhibit ANTISOCIAL behavior and violation of social taboos screwed on individual psychopathology.
But if there is a legalization of a certain behavior, as for the murderers of their "napravilnyh" children, in fact, in the clinical sense through the prism of a particular society, these mothers are not psychotic and sadistic, as if this were, if this happened in Moscow. We can talk to them about other civilizations and to argue about the legality of the plantations in their society of Christian morality, but not about mass psychopathology. That does not prevent the homicide to be murder, and children die EN masse.
In the same way, and that somewhere is called violence, and somewhere in the norm. In fact, some parents really don't know "otherwise if you don't yell". They are excellent for books, short trainings, advice of psychologists, etc. That is, if in a society where hitting children, yelling at them and manipulate – a taboo, because there are other forms of interaction, and for those who can not cope with the framework of taboo — forms of assistance, hence the violator of the taboo in such a situation it is the horror, the horror, the horror.
So here the concept of the horror, the horror we have applied and to those who just REALLY don't know how else and with the support of others can change their behavior. Which makes sense is a protest and denial of the whole concept of children "is not such a" parental behavior in General – because the criticism is heard, but no help.
And toxic parents – it's all about the subtle matter. We have a society that is not fully taboo even physical violence against children, and the theme of verbal violence and the toxic manipulation – anything from a heading "their morals" (read – waste). No society can go to more difficult levels, when the unsolved problems of the previous one.
That is why the topic of toxic parents to some ridiculous, far-fetched or whims of ungrateful children – if the beatings are still willing to discuss the emotional violence in a relatively affluent families, not really. From this to children of toxic parents it is even harder to find support and understandinge, they are in constant contradiction between the social message of "Yes, the children of war in your childhood would give anything" and the internal a painful emptiness and a nagging feeling of "everything's wrong with me", the reason for which I can not see.
Practicing psychologists working in the Russian-speaking space, spend a lot of time in the first place to explain to your client that parental neglect of the emotions, deaf to his words, the mother as the center of the family universe and all its hysteria-manipulation, endless criticism for everything there is – everything is influenced (and influences) on what is now happening to him, even if he initially thought "I have no idea what this emptiness and terror within, I'm from a normal family, not some sort of alcoholics".
Init is important to understand the fact that certain behaviors of parents, even if it is covered by the phrases "it's for your own good", "I sacrificed so much", "when you were born I had to quit my job/my husband/your city etc." is traumatic on all levels – neurobiological, psychological, and physical; it is important to understand that this knowledge need not for someone to blame and assign responsibility for all their troubles, no, it's in order so just to differentiate my responsibility NOT HIS – and stop endlessly blaming yourself for the past.
Really want to children of toxic parents knew with you it was just your pain and certain behavior is a normal reaction to toxic injury, even if the majority of people will assume that you are to blame – you have the same first teeth erupted from the top...posted
Author: Julia Lapina
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
Source: www.facebook.com/psychology.lapina/posts/1873586226202956
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