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Parental "no" — the main difficulty of education for many
The main difficulty in the education for many is failures.
Under the waivers I understand nerazluchnye something to the child, a direct or indirect parent of "no" in response to direct or indirect request of the child.
At such moments, often there are conflicts, quarrels, resentment. Children are crying, parents are angry. And often do not understand how to be. Some are asking yourself how to refuse so as not to offend, not to hurt. Others as to refuse to listen. Third parties care about both.
Good news for anxious parents is that refuse is useful.
This is what a child needs, he needs it. Cracks create for a child of the border,on which he can rely and feel safe, to feel more stable environment. Receiving waivers, he learns how the world works, what it can and what — not. With the help of bounce the child learns the structure of the world, the world becomes clearer, more precise and clearer.
Imagine a world without borders, without restrictions. There are no traffic lights, traffic rules, laws, schedules, boundaries between countries. It would create chaos, to live in such a world, dangerous and disturbing. And this is exactly what the child feels, if his parents are not clearly outline the boundaries — he is anxious, he is dangerous. Such a child may again and again "taste the world" on the strength of the boundaries, not listening to you, wanting to face a ban.
All it's important to have structure.
However, this does not mean that you should become a tyrant, a failure from top to bottom and revel in their power.
In order to avoid this, it is enough to observe five rules:
1. Do not expect obedience from.
Difficulty in some families often arise because parents expect absolute obedience fast. It does not happen.
First, children in a sense, do not know how to listen. They need to learn this. Year-old child does not listen because he is unusual: he was first confronted with restrictions, and has no idea how to lead. And, of course, one explanation that you need to obey mom and dad, it is not enough.
In addition, the brain-child is designed so that it is very difficult at the same time and want something, to realize this desire, and to hear that this is impossible, and stop yourself at this point. Year-old baby is just acrobatics, he is able, and he needs help.
The younger the kid — the third year — is starting to grow his "I", and though he knows more than his one year old brother, but the age problem is right now is not to listen. To contradict, to stick out their growing "I", to protest and be stubborn. That is, of course, you can insist, threaten, punish, and thus "build" a child, but I hope that in your parenting plans in the first place raising a happy child, and only the second to be obedient.
Maturing child also not ready to listen to you easily and immediately. He has his own desires, feelings, needs, their views of the world. He is alive. So keep patience and respect.
Year-old child repeat again and again, removing the handle from sweets and rosettes. Three-year catch and hug. The six-year-old calmly explain. Adolescents share their fears.
But do not expect that you will immediately obey. Fortunately, this will not happen.
2. Watch your tone and feelings.
Refuse should be easy. The purpose of the waiver is to inform you that this is wrong that is wrong. Or that you for some reason would not let, can not and do not want to allow. This is normal and natural, so is the way of the world, and ideally it should not cause the parent's swell.
How you would tell the child that grass is green? Or that the earth was round? That's exactly that tone and should be rejected. Calm and friendly.
Very often, on the Playground, I see children denied the parents, adding for some reason, in denial of a lot of any unnecessary worries.
— Mom, I don't want to go home!
— Two times watch out, roll down, and go.
— Five more!
Yeah, no, not there!
This humiliating failure. Task failure — not to humiliate, not to offend, not to offend, but simply to inform her, "no." What baby learns in this dialogue, except that riding no more? That his mother and his wishes are not respected, rude and rude to him. The little child that is learning the same thing (to be rude and rude), and receives a message that he is the one who can not be respected.
Or this story:
— Mom, please, another cartoon!
— I said that is impossible! How can you ask your stupid cartoons! You understand?!
Here mom is angry and refusing to dilute her anger. I know, life with children is difficult and relationship is a complicated thing that causes a lot of feelings, but it is better to separate the wheat from the chaff. Refusal — a refusal: "no, No." But feelings are feelings, "And I'm already mad that the seventh time you ask."
Parents "love" to mix in the refusal of fear and anxiety ("Dropped!", "Machine!", "Poke his eyes out!"), threats ("right now you're getting it," "I'll give you right now!", "We'll talk tonight about it at home!"), blackmail ("If you don't, the cartoons will not be playing/sweet won't get/do not go/visit no longer call"), depreciation ("Direct you need it!" "It would be something to get upset!", "Nonsense!") and a lot of other "charms".
When you fail, remember: your task is to convey information. The grass is green, the earth was round, we're going home, to ride longer.
Ask yourself how you feel, what moves you. Try to leave too much out. You just have to refuse — not to accuse, not to punish, not to scare, not to devalue, not revenge, not to humiliate, but simply to tell what you know, and your child — yet. Or just forgot.
3. Failure should not be a lot.
For me everything is quite easy.
Definitely not that dangerous for health and life, are not permitted that violate the boundaries of others, the rest are discussing.
Some parents specifically, "to raise", "to know", "not to spoil". Do not invent where there. Bounce in a child's life and so the roof, no need to create anything specifically. You can't buy him what he wants. Can't drive it every day wherever he wants. He communicates with friends only when you set the meeting up. He can't eat much, etc. the Life of a child and so limited, just can not survive without your further invented of this refusal, he will not face harsh reality.
When you fail, ask yourself why am I doing this, what motivates me. If you feel something like I described, or a vague desire to take revenge on the child for his disobedience, or need to show that you are the boss, don't do it. "Glasnost" is incremented is not the case. For a child the main one to whom he was most attached, and the gross failures of this attachment is destroyed.
4. Sympathy.
When a child is faced with failure, it is unpleasant. He was crying, angry, offended, angry, suffering, upset. This is quite natural — well, not rejoice in him.
The fact that parents often make at this point — "don't cry!", "Why are you yelling, I told you that you can't", "If you don't stop, let's go home!" "Look, even the little girl is not crying and you are crying!", "Look, the bird is flying!" — try, by humiliation, comparisons, pristegivaniem, depreciation, threats, distraction, the prohibition to force the child to stop feeling.
The child's feelings are normal, their symptoms too. The task of parents is to sympathize. The child was upset and angry that it is time to go home, he wanted to play some more. Sympathize with him, let him know that you are with him. Pat on the head, perhaps. This does not mean that you "go at it on occasion". You're still going home. But don't deny him the legal right to get upset or angry in this regard.
5. Explain.
This important Council, I, of course, addressing, rather, parents of older children, but the two-year kid can start gently and be able to explain the causes of their failures.
Tell why you do something not allowed. You can't just man-power, you — the carrier of knowledge, which the child does not possess. And when he had poselilsya and practically, calmly explain to him what was happening. Why did you bring him home for lunch, why not release his hand while crossing the street.
Here's a friendly transfer of knowledge rather than authoritarian categorical message from the top, in my opinion, is just education. published
Author: Anna Zhulidova
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: www.facebook.com/tvmama/photos/a.211394038971554.42884.160767254034233/949736955137255/?type=3&theater
Under the waivers I understand nerazluchnye something to the child, a direct or indirect parent of "no" in response to direct or indirect request of the child.
At such moments, often there are conflicts, quarrels, resentment. Children are crying, parents are angry. And often do not understand how to be. Some are asking yourself how to refuse so as not to offend, not to hurt. Others as to refuse to listen. Third parties care about both.
Good news for anxious parents is that refuse is useful.
This is what a child needs, he needs it. Cracks create for a child of the border,on which he can rely and feel safe, to feel more stable environment. Receiving waivers, he learns how the world works, what it can and what — not. With the help of bounce the child learns the structure of the world, the world becomes clearer, more precise and clearer.
Imagine a world without borders, without restrictions. There are no traffic lights, traffic rules, laws, schedules, boundaries between countries. It would create chaos, to live in such a world, dangerous and disturbing. And this is exactly what the child feels, if his parents are not clearly outline the boundaries — he is anxious, he is dangerous. Such a child may again and again "taste the world" on the strength of the boundaries, not listening to you, wanting to face a ban.
All it's important to have structure.
However, this does not mean that you should become a tyrant, a failure from top to bottom and revel in their power.
In order to avoid this, it is enough to observe five rules:
1. Do not expect obedience from.
Difficulty in some families often arise because parents expect absolute obedience fast. It does not happen.
First, children in a sense, do not know how to listen. They need to learn this. Year-old child does not listen because he is unusual: he was first confronted with restrictions, and has no idea how to lead. And, of course, one explanation that you need to obey mom and dad, it is not enough.
In addition, the brain-child is designed so that it is very difficult at the same time and want something, to realize this desire, and to hear that this is impossible, and stop yourself at this point. Year-old baby is just acrobatics, he is able, and he needs help.
The younger the kid — the third year — is starting to grow his "I", and though he knows more than his one year old brother, but the age problem is right now is not to listen. To contradict, to stick out their growing "I", to protest and be stubborn. That is, of course, you can insist, threaten, punish, and thus "build" a child, but I hope that in your parenting plans in the first place raising a happy child, and only the second to be obedient.
Maturing child also not ready to listen to you easily and immediately. He has his own desires, feelings, needs, their views of the world. He is alive. So keep patience and respect.
Year-old child repeat again and again, removing the handle from sweets and rosettes. Three-year catch and hug. The six-year-old calmly explain. Adolescents share their fears.
But do not expect that you will immediately obey. Fortunately, this will not happen.
2. Watch your tone and feelings.
Refuse should be easy. The purpose of the waiver is to inform you that this is wrong that is wrong. Or that you for some reason would not let, can not and do not want to allow. This is normal and natural, so is the way of the world, and ideally it should not cause the parent's swell.
How you would tell the child that grass is green? Or that the earth was round? That's exactly that tone and should be rejected. Calm and friendly.
Very often, on the Playground, I see children denied the parents, adding for some reason, in denial of a lot of any unnecessary worries.
— Mom, I don't want to go home!
— Two times watch out, roll down, and go.
— Five more!
Yeah, no, not there!
This humiliating failure. Task failure — not to humiliate, not to offend, not to offend, but simply to inform her, "no." What baby learns in this dialogue, except that riding no more? That his mother and his wishes are not respected, rude and rude to him. The little child that is learning the same thing (to be rude and rude), and receives a message that he is the one who can not be respected.
Or this story:
— Mom, please, another cartoon!
— I said that is impossible! How can you ask your stupid cartoons! You understand?!
Here mom is angry and refusing to dilute her anger. I know, life with children is difficult and relationship is a complicated thing that causes a lot of feelings, but it is better to separate the wheat from the chaff. Refusal — a refusal: "no, No." But feelings are feelings, "And I'm already mad that the seventh time you ask."
Parents "love" to mix in the refusal of fear and anxiety ("Dropped!", "Machine!", "Poke his eyes out!"), threats ("right now you're getting it," "I'll give you right now!", "We'll talk tonight about it at home!"), blackmail ("If you don't, the cartoons will not be playing/sweet won't get/do not go/visit no longer call"), depreciation ("Direct you need it!" "It would be something to get upset!", "Nonsense!") and a lot of other "charms".
When you fail, remember: your task is to convey information. The grass is green, the earth was round, we're going home, to ride longer.
Ask yourself how you feel, what moves you. Try to leave too much out. You just have to refuse — not to accuse, not to punish, not to scare, not to devalue, not revenge, not to humiliate, but simply to tell what you know, and your child — yet. Or just forgot.
3. Failure should not be a lot.
For me everything is quite easy.
Definitely not that dangerous for health and life, are not permitted that violate the boundaries of others, the rest are discussing.
Some parents specifically, "to raise", "to know", "not to spoil". Do not invent where there. Bounce in a child's life and so the roof, no need to create anything specifically. You can't buy him what he wants. Can't drive it every day wherever he wants. He communicates with friends only when you set the meeting up. He can't eat much, etc. the Life of a child and so limited, just can not survive without your further invented of this refusal, he will not face harsh reality.
When you fail, ask yourself why am I doing this, what motivates me. If you feel something like I described, or a vague desire to take revenge on the child for his disobedience, or need to show that you are the boss, don't do it. "Glasnost" is incremented is not the case. For a child the main one to whom he was most attached, and the gross failures of this attachment is destroyed.
4. Sympathy.
When a child is faced with failure, it is unpleasant. He was crying, angry, offended, angry, suffering, upset. This is quite natural — well, not rejoice in him.
The fact that parents often make at this point — "don't cry!", "Why are you yelling, I told you that you can't", "If you don't stop, let's go home!" "Look, even the little girl is not crying and you are crying!", "Look, the bird is flying!" — try, by humiliation, comparisons, pristegivaniem, depreciation, threats, distraction, the prohibition to force the child to stop feeling.
The child's feelings are normal, their symptoms too. The task of parents is to sympathize. The child was upset and angry that it is time to go home, he wanted to play some more. Sympathize with him, let him know that you are with him. Pat on the head, perhaps. This does not mean that you "go at it on occasion". You're still going home. But don't deny him the legal right to get upset or angry in this regard.
5. Explain.
This important Council, I, of course, addressing, rather, parents of older children, but the two-year kid can start gently and be able to explain the causes of their failures.
Tell why you do something not allowed. You can't just man-power, you — the carrier of knowledge, which the child does not possess. And when he had poselilsya and practically, calmly explain to him what was happening. Why did you bring him home for lunch, why not release his hand while crossing the street.
Here's a friendly transfer of knowledge rather than authoritarian categorical message from the top, in my opinion, is just education. published
Author: Anna Zhulidova
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: www.facebook.com/tvmama/photos/a.211394038971554.42884.160767254034233/949736955137255/?type=3&theater