Svetlana a little over thirty, although her appearance it was difficult to understand her twenty or forty five. Tired woman with obvious signs of chronic sleep deprivation, overweight, worn out. However, it is understandable – she has three children with a small age difference, the youngest just went to kindergarten.
She came to therapy with the classic phrase "Entangled" — a relationship with her husband strained, to go to work scared, she does not like... and wants a fourth child.
One of the characteristic features of physicians – immediately give a weird questions about what seems obvious. Sometimes these questions seem downright rude. But I really want to make something clear. And I asked without thinking: "Light, why?! Why do you now want?"
The girl (and looking closer, I can already see in her a young girl, not "aunt" — all for fatigue and "mamasboy" clothing, for all those household and adults almost children look quite young and smile) take my question with "hostility". Like I was starting to dissuade or promote the philosophy of "childfree".
Have to clarify, saying, I desire are neutral and respectful, just to clarify for myself WHY. Well, to understand the motivation. No, answers like "because I love children" or "four of a child is normally" I do not like, I'm not asking "why" and certainly not elaborate on what is the norm.
And here Light think. She doesn't know. She hasn't been sleeping, did not have time, for several years has no of his life, the family relations, I have already mentioned, intense. The husband complains about the lack of attention to the mess in the house and sometimes even hints at the fact that his wife "lost her looks" and she's got to deal with them. Terrible shame, really, and obviously not the sign of a healthy relationship in a pair that is already there. But we must deal with it separately.
While I'm just trying to find out what the need is behind the desire to have another child. A great desire, I must say. Do not see in it anything bad, really, just want people to be aware of what and why he really wants.
Small talk, a bit of associations and "stupid" questions from my side, and Svetlana gives the same honest answer surprised her. It seems that the birth of a child will solve all her problems, or rather, postpone their decision for an indefinite period.
In fact, she did not have to decide anything.
- She didn't have to decide anything and, in principle, to change anything. During pregnancy and infancy of a new baby, at least.
- She didn't have to go to work, to be exact – to look for the job.
- Will not have to re-adapt to social life, from which it is evident had for years of endless decrees.
- You will not need to lose weight, as her husband wants. And in General to do something for your appearance.
- Will not have to do to clear up the relationship with her husband and something to change in family structure: those who accuse the mother of four children, one of whom is still an infant in that house is a mess, and the time on what is missing.
Her life would be meaningful, introduced by motherhood, and it will be the usual "body work" and routine, though tedious physical tasks, rather than attempting to master a new experience, first and foremost is mental. In further work we have identified the main problem.
Self-doubt, lack of understanding of their own needs, the lack of meaning of life, self-worthlessness – a complete set. My relationship with my husband, as I had guessed, too "limp" — part of this uncertainty is sown it devalues the comments and criticisms which he for many years she did too, by the way, from a misunderstanding rather than "evil." But the main problem was a lack of understanding of "where to live".
Light reproached herself that she has nothing, achieved nothing and will not succeed, afraid to communicate with other people. It seemed to her that if she tries to go to work, her "stupidity" and "worthlessness" (quotes from sankaracharyas most Lights) will immediately come out, everyone will understand what she is actually weak and confused.
But in motherhood to prove their worth much easier: how to wash, give birth, bring up, the world already knows, and all claim to it from other can easily nullify a reminder that her family first.
By the way, here too things are not so simple – what to do with their grown up children Svetlana does not know
. It provides them with comfort, care, warmth, delicious food, but their maturity scares her. To talk, to discuss issues that are more difficult given home lessons and favorite dishes – can't.
Not because she is "stupid hen" (as herself trying to devalue the heroine). Sveta has a really good education, great sense of humor and once had many friends. She just seems older daughter is a first grader here-here will raise her to laugh or simply cease to respect her, because she feels Light their lives as empty, worthless, and himself as petty, stupid, tired "domestics"
And get rid of that "everyday" is nowhere, because to try to put your hand in something else she was afraid. Afraid that will not cope.
This is just one of the stories of a woman trying to find the meaning of life in motherhood and not finding it. Believe me, I don't mind them and certainly not going to deny the fact that children bring to life a lot of joy, happiness and Yes, that makes sense. But not when women choose motherhood as a way to escape from ourselves, as an attempt to get away from the fears, the illusion that all is well.
Just from the appearance in the house of another child will be a lot of joy and anxiety, laughter and tears, pride and victories – so many things. But the problem will not be solved by themselves only due to the fact that the family will be replenished with another person, even if it is the most wonderful man in the world. And imagine, easy baby, who from birth, charged with the difficult task – to save his mother from her fears, to be the only meaning of her life, to keep her afloat? published
Author: Anna Sofman
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P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©