A conversation with renowned psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky on whether and how to raise a happy child, and why should not straining in the field of parenting. — Your method can be summarized by six rules. How they work in relationships "parent-child"?
— They are not specifically made for parents and children. Just these rules change the psyche of the parents, make it healthier, they become more adequate, stable, more predictable. They are less aggressive, more friendly, they have a lot more energy resource because children require certain forces. These rules change mental reactions in the adult, and the child also changes.
Six rules of Michael Labkovsky:
- To do just what you want
- Not to do anything you don't want to do
- Just talk about what you don't.
- Not to answer when not asked
- To answer the question
- Arguing, talking only about yourself
Don't your parents asked you what to do with the rule "Do only what you want" against children? Sometimes the children have to do not only what you want. For example, I want to lie on the sofa and have to get up and drive him to school...
— Can't not keep him in school. Can driver to hire. It is possible that he went to school. The sea of options. And anyway, even if you won't do it ever, then don't. And if it is a single story, the one day to skip school, nothing terrible will happen. No need to toil in hazardous industries.
— You have repeatedly said that it is impossible to raise a happy child if the parents themselves are unhappy, not solved their problems. But after working with a psychologist is a long process. One problem was solved – got out another. Or suddenly in the process, the parents decided to leave – and the child's new injury. It turns out that this can last? The chances for happiness of the child is not – since he was born to parents of neurotics?
— The child has a chance. It is not necessary that it lasted for years. But what you say is interesting, because the parents that think this way. "I not want to do anything – long, boring, uninteresting, something in me breaks, and in General, can be for years stuck, as the child grows. Is there some other way that I was neurotic, and my child was happy?". Well, if you give it to a foster family, you will be happy. And so it will be the same as you.
And can you imagine the poor kids? When his own mother, which breaks down to communicate with the psychologist explains to him that we need to learn. And it also breaks! Anything to anybody a reluctance. Where did this information that working with a psychologist has been delayed for years? Why go over the years, if there is no result? On the second time everything is clear usually. I can't offer this option – to make happy children, bypassing parents. Children, especially at an early age, formed exclusively by analogy and perception of parents. — What are the most common mistakes you see parents trying to make the child happy?
— First, they impose their own model of happiness, which certainly includes good education, which does little and is of value only for employees. Early development is generally complete nonsense! Already physiologists, child psychologists, pediatricians say it's early development does not come out anywhere. That is, the child you have in a year drops a note and says, "Bang!", and this is where it ends. He becomes a Prodigy...
— ...But becomes a neurotic overload?
— Neurotic, over-load, plus it's very zorganizowany. Not able himself to dispose of his time. And the children must have free time! Otherwise the child will not be very adapted to life, and not very interesting to himself, because not doing yourself and not having such experience, he grows up, if nothing happens, feels lonely.
Another huge problem – the so-called "conditional love". Parents unwittingly reinforce the child very specific things: do – we love you and we don't like you. Mom listen, love, and do not obey, do not love. Well learn, love, and hate. And the child grows up with a very rotten idea that love must be earned. — And what is absolutely inadmissible in relations with children? Well, besides the obvious – physical, for example? Can you list that the parents knew and didn't do?
— All in Russia it is called "corporal punishment" and around the world – a criminal offence. If grandma could, it would be a grandfather. Parents do poorly, not because the article did not read the Hedgehog, but because they can't behave differently. It is their behavior not dictated by pedagogical ideas. Take the same corporal punishment. This is not a teaching method, this individual breaks from feeling, usually of resentment and humiliation, and expressed aggression towards children. Aggression is the other side of resentment and humiliation.What about the taboo – not to children, never compare with anyone. It is impossible to achieve from their emotions, to yell at them until they cry.
So do many hysterical mom. Yelling, screaming, and when the child begins to cry, she calms down. It's called "mental violence", usually with a hysterical neurosis.
— Let's say the parent has recognized that he has problems that prevent to live to him and have a negative impact on the child. How to build a therapy? Should the psychologist to work not only with parents and with the child? Or children will automatically be solved as soon as the parents solve their problems?
— I do not think that the child needs something. If the child has some serious neuroses – Yes. Enuresis, stuttering, tics, bites his nails and so on – then maybe worth it. But at the level of behavioural – if the parents change, children change too. You know that millions of people around the world go to child psychology. Sit there, play children's psychodrama, draw family, and then come home and there his father drunk lying in the corner, the mother screaming early in the morning... and the reason for him to go to a psychologist? To live it in this family!
— The family model in recent decades has changed, departing from the traditional. At least in the big cities appeared a lot of options. How would you describe an ideal scheme? Or is it even possible?
— In Russia there is no family model. You can live in a house where in one apartment beaten with a belt, somewhere worn on the hands, somewhere at with his parents at "you" talk. Somewhere a very clear division between senior and Junior, men and women, boys and girls. Somewhere giving directly to figure skating and English, all within the same entrance.
In the world there is a model family, very clear. In Europe, if people on the street will see that the mother yells at the child, call social services. If she'd spank him for what he climbs into the water, they will call the police. And in Russia I can only add.
— If to speak about the so-called incomplete families where no father. Can a mother somehow compensate for the child's lack of men in the family?
— You don't have to compensate! Mother – is she a hermaphrodite or something, how can she compensate? On the contrary, it is a big problem when a mother tries to compensate for the absence of the father and the boy to raise a man. So it is possible to grow up gay. In fact, 54 percent of Russian children growing up in single-parent families. That is more than half, that is a given.The greatest value of the parent's mental stability, predictability, the ability to control your emotions and not transfer them to the child. These are the best qualities for a parent.
— Probably, it is meaningless to ask which model of the family is still working?
— If the kids are still alive, it is a working model.
— Sounds optimistic! published
Author: Svetlana Feoktistova
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