Lyudmila Petranovskaya: do Not wrap a tight loop of guilt and resentment
Asked how to deal with parents. Those under-loved children. This is a very difficult question, I don't know how to give advice.
Experience shows that if the children rake in itself, and parents otpuskaet a little bit. Although not always the case. Here a happy ending is not guaranteed to anyone, and it may be a situation that the only solution will be to protect their own children.
Sometimes the pressure and even aggression are that you just need to limit contact, to save his family. Because whatever seemed to be on the level of feelings, responsibility in front of children is much more important responsibility towards their parents. Life goes forward, not backward, the flow should go from the ancestor to the descendants. Fortunately, does heavy options still don't meet very often.
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The main thing — all that you can, to stop for yourself, not to let on, to cheat even more tight loops of guilt and resentment. By the way, sometimes I think one of the reasons of the flourishing of the child-free (of course, not only) — is there a way to stop sending "wrong" parent-child script when to prolong it would not be desirable, and the ability to change do not believe.
Such a radical reaction to the fear of losing children, and the idea that having a baby is really hard. Perhaps psychologically due to infertility here. I have seen a work in which the woman began with, "Why can't get pregnant?"and came out at his great-grandmother, who during the famine and epidemics 30 years buried all the children, except one.
But back to the parents. The main thing here, just as he said someone from the commentators: to identify those cues that are not addressed to you. When the generation of "war children" refers to their children, they really are very often not talking with them, and with their parents. It is to them, to parents facing the "can't sleep until you're home." Just then there was no choice, it was not possible to say that the parents had nothing to do, to remind them about their unmet childhood needs would be simply sadistic.
And the needs there, and is now screaming about yourself. But how would the children of the third generation tried, in what would himself nor denied, no matter how were even ready to sacrifice himself, it will do nothing.
Because the request — not to us. Time machine we don't have to tend the baby, who was once a mom or dad. We can sympathize, to feel sorry for that child, can try to help parents now, but when we try to set ourselves the task of their "cure", "to make happy" is pride. By the way, pride is the hypostasis of liberatoscioli. A little we made up in our tagipedia childhood that everything depends on us and without us, all will be lost.
In fact, the irrational guilt we feel before the parents are to blame for the fact that we are unable to do the impossible, not God and we not even the angels. Agree, pretty strange reason for guilt. Well, in the absence of a psychiatric diagnosis) should be Modest :)
How, then, to feel about all this? Yes here somehow without unnecessary pathos. I work a lot with foster parents and foster children who have experienced orphanhood real, genuine loneliness, and even violence. And maybe that's why I have a somewhat ironic reaction to always talk about "bad parents" — very much in the nature of the work often have to face the fact that they are TRULY bad parents. Which, you know, cigarettes about children and not just stewed. Who themselves have, in turn, sometimes this family history that we are in a nightmare not dream.
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So for a start it would be still be aware, as we still have enough time with the parents. The mere fact that we now sit down and have intelligent conversations that we have mental strength, good mental development and money on a computer and the Internet is a sign of a fairly prosperous childhood. And good enough parents. Those of our peers, less fortunate, now while away an evening quite differently, if still alive.
Of course, about much sorry, and sad, and hurt still. The trauma is. Its stupid and harmful to deny and gloss over, because then the wound festers and never heals. But to do it the "sacred cow", the main event of life, too silly. Trauma is not a death sentence. People live with burn marks on the body, without hands, without feet, and happy.
With emotional trauma, too, can live and be happy. For this it is necessary to realize if necessary the wound to clean, treat, curative ointment to anoint. And after that, to stop being stuck in the past, because in the present a lot of good stuff. This is the most important, probably. To stop ever to show the fate of the bill. To write off debts. To realize that Yes, in fact you were punished by fate, but that is a lot and that's enough.
Sometimes looking at parents, it is important to remind ourselves that they are the parents, they are older, they are the ancestors, anyway. And we — their children, compared to them just silly little children, we cannot, even if I wanted to, to answer for whether they are happy, their health, their marriage, their mood, what they have been doing with my life.
Even if they suddenly think that we can, actually — no. And if they suddenly decides to ditch itself, we can grieve and weep, but do nothing can get between them and their fate, we can not. We're just kids.
What can we do? To help, to support, to please, to care for if sick. But without global ambitions "to make". How can, as it turns out, as we see fit. With the right to error and imperfection. Only severe illness and apparent old age "change of roles" of children and parents, and then this is the right exchange, the natural cycle of life. Sometimes I think they get sick so hard that the illness gives you the opportunity to take care of them, as for children, "legally", without breaking the hierarchy, not pretending.
Something like that. This, of course, very General things and not everything can be done "over the head". If much tormented relationship with his parents, I would advise to work with a specialist. Very strong feelings are involved, very powerful blocks are.
All of this, it is better to deal in terms of support and security. Well, not all the smart words describe, especially those related to childhood experiences, when we rather live in the senses and the body than the head.published