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“In spite of my mother’s ears will freeze”: rebellion or still a choice?
What if a child who has invested so much energy and hope chooses the wrong future and destroys your efforts?
This is not about situations in which the person is destructive and causes obvious harm to yourself or others, but about the case when you do not like the decision of the child, because it has nothing to do with what you know and love. It can be education, career, lifestyle, interests – one way or another, something happens that you can not accept. Or, on the contrary, what you are waiting for is not happening.
In some cases, the teenager does so out of protest, but does not understand it.
We understand why children do not want to be like their parents, how a conscious decision differs from demonstrative behavior, where the boundaries of acceptable lie and how to live with all this.
When a child knows what he wants
Suppose you see him as an employee of an IT company, and he likes to play sports or sew clothes. You are outraged and prove that famous athletes become a few, the rest receive only injuries and endocrine disorders, and the designer of clothes – and all the profession is questionable (you personally do not know any, but watched a movie in which someone from the fashion world died of a drug overdose).
Expand the boundaries of your world
Chances are that your own parents worked for the same organization all their lives, were loyal to the same profession and did not travel abroad. While a modern working specialist by the age of thirty manages to change a dozen jobs, go downshifting, launch a startup, lose a startup, learn in another country and survive several worldview restructurings.Today’s teenagers don’t have the same childhood as you did, so their plans may be different.
Our experience is not equal to that of others and is not a general rule.
Do not jump to conclusions based on prejudices and dubious sources. If your child is serious about something, he or she may have done a little research and knows more than you do. Talk to him to learn more firsthand and understand how he himself understands the issue - where he gets acquainted with the theory, what he sees practical options for implementing plans.
“Some parents tend to perceive childhood disobedience as a personal attack, an attack on themselves, and defend themselves by cultivating in their children addiction and incapacity for independence.” – Susan Forward, Toxic Parents
When talking, you may have thoughts like, “Well, what’s interesting about public relations, one chatter, or the construction of missiles.”If a child’s story doesn’t inspire you, that’s perfectly normal. It's not your dream. Let the child’s passion be an emotional resource, not thoughts about a particular field of activity. A son or daughter is not you, but a separate person, although not quite an adult. If you see your child as part of your body or property, the situation will become unhealthy.
Try to look at your child for a favorite thing and separate your own projections from his personality. If the teenager is constantly in the interests and emotionally stable until the unpleasant conversation you initiate pops up, then, most likely, he knows well what he likes and is confident in his choice. In this case, your son or daughter may become unhappy in the profession. Not because of their passions, but because of the disapproval of the family. What if your conviction is the biggest problem for your child?
If only you really suffer from the situation, and children begin to suffer when faced with accusations, this is a wake-up call. The constant feeling of guilt and the feeling that you are not understood and accepted, suppress sympathy and trust in parents.
So, If your child is doing something that you personally do not like, but is happy and prosperous, try to leave him alone..
When a child is wrong If you want something strange, your child may be wrong. Wait for the gleeful shout of “Yeah, same!” His wrongness is not that he refuses to accept your position about his own life. It is that he thinks more about becoming independent of other people’s examples than about his true desires and talents.
How Parental Anti-Scenario Works
The situation, which the popular saying describes as “in spite of my mother’s ears I will frostbite” seems curious. But children can actually act in an annoying way because they don’t want to go with their parents and be like them. At the same time, children themselves do not always understand what they are doing, because such behaviors are unconscious.
“Anti-scenario is the opposite of a script; demonstrative opposition, acting contrary to what is dictated by each indication of the script.” – Eric Byrne, Group Psychotherapy
Unconscious, deep-seated resistance comes, as a rule, from the earliest years. If you’ve talked about your field of work throughout your child’s life as the only possible and attractive one for him, then it’s likely that he’s unconsciously trying to choose the opposite. In fact, it may not be the opposite that he likes.
The idea of protest should not be taken literally. Just because a teenager plays video games all day doesn’t mean he doesn’t “really” like video games. However, the grotesque absolutization of the way of life in a closed room surrounded by empty pizza boxes and game consoles can be a rebellion against the athlete’s father and mom obsessed with proper nutrition. At the same time, the child is not disgusted by nature, the sun, fresh fruits and active rest as such - he is disgusted by the demonstration of positive emotions from this to his parents. This whole area is parental territory, so emotions are blocked.
“Sometimes a person obeys a scripted instruction that involves rebellion.” – Eric Byrne, People Who Play Games
The world is divided into what you want and what you will never approve of. Between these extremes there is nothing. Even if it turns out that some of your ideas and solutions are suitable for the child, he will carefully ignore and reject them. But in the area of interest will get what you definitely would not do. It’s not that your son or daughter hates you so much that he doesn’t want anything to do with you. It’s just a space of freedom where you don’t have competence and authority, where you can be independent.
Too much care.
Do you do everything you can – a good school, clubs and sections – and the child does some nonsense, or does he want nothing and shows neglect? Complete rejection of everything that comes from parents is often associated with hyperprotection.
Before we wring our hands and say, “We put our whole soul on you!”Ask yourself what it’s like to live with the knowledge that you have your whole soul laid on you.. It’s as if a person comes up to you and hands you a poodle weight: carry it, it’s our gift, it’s because we love you so much. Not everyone can cope with this responsibility.
Rebellion or a choice?
Compensatory, demonstrative behavior is uneven and compulsive. He always has a reason - neurotic denial, unwillingness to repeat another's model, even a phobia. If you stop pressing about the “right” decision, there is a good chance that the protest will soon fade away, and the choice will fall on something less radical.It makes sense to suppress only those behaviors that harm the immediate well-being and health of anyone.
Healthy identity, whatever it is, is not the result of trauma. Conscious choice is constant and gives a person satisfaction. It is not done to spite mom and dad, but not to please them. Try to realize and demonstrate that your example is not the only one, and that there are other ways besides radical resistance and complete repetition. You have to stop seeing yourself in the child. Did you buy your son some great boxing gloves he doesn't touch? Finally admit that you bought them as a gift. It's a shame they're too small for you.Also interesting: Don’t make your children the meaning of your life.Lazy mom: My choice is not to be lazy to teach, but lazy to do it myself.
In particularly difficult cases, it makes sense to turn to a psychologist - and this is not even about the child, but about yourself. If how satisfied you are with your own parenting role is determined by how much you like your child’s lifestyle and interests, rather than whether he or she is happy and harmonious on his or her own, that’s a reason to think. published
Author: Alice Zagradskaya
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: newtonew.com/discussions/whatever-i-do-what-i-want
This is not about situations in which the person is destructive and causes obvious harm to yourself or others, but about the case when you do not like the decision of the child, because it has nothing to do with what you know and love. It can be education, career, lifestyle, interests – one way or another, something happens that you can not accept. Or, on the contrary, what you are waiting for is not happening.
In some cases, the teenager does so out of protest, but does not understand it.
We understand why children do not want to be like their parents, how a conscious decision differs from demonstrative behavior, where the boundaries of acceptable lie and how to live with all this.
When a child knows what he wants
Suppose you see him as an employee of an IT company, and he likes to play sports or sew clothes. You are outraged and prove that famous athletes become a few, the rest receive only injuries and endocrine disorders, and the designer of clothes – and all the profession is questionable (you personally do not know any, but watched a movie in which someone from the fashion world died of a drug overdose).
Expand the boundaries of your world
Chances are that your own parents worked for the same organization all their lives, were loyal to the same profession and did not travel abroad. While a modern working specialist by the age of thirty manages to change a dozen jobs, go downshifting, launch a startup, lose a startup, learn in another country and survive several worldview restructurings.Today’s teenagers don’t have the same childhood as you did, so their plans may be different.
Our experience is not equal to that of others and is not a general rule.
Do not jump to conclusions based on prejudices and dubious sources. If your child is serious about something, he or she may have done a little research and knows more than you do. Talk to him to learn more firsthand and understand how he himself understands the issue - where he gets acquainted with the theory, what he sees practical options for implementing plans.
“Some parents tend to perceive childhood disobedience as a personal attack, an attack on themselves, and defend themselves by cultivating in their children addiction and incapacity for independence.” – Susan Forward, Toxic Parents
When talking, you may have thoughts like, “Well, what’s interesting about public relations, one chatter, or the construction of missiles.”If a child’s story doesn’t inspire you, that’s perfectly normal. It's not your dream. Let the child’s passion be an emotional resource, not thoughts about a particular field of activity. A son or daughter is not you, but a separate person, although not quite an adult. If you see your child as part of your body or property, the situation will become unhealthy.
Try to look at your child for a favorite thing and separate your own projections from his personality. If the teenager is constantly in the interests and emotionally stable until the unpleasant conversation you initiate pops up, then, most likely, he knows well what he likes and is confident in his choice. In this case, your son or daughter may become unhappy in the profession. Not because of their passions, but because of the disapproval of the family. What if your conviction is the biggest problem for your child?
If only you really suffer from the situation, and children begin to suffer when faced with accusations, this is a wake-up call. The constant feeling of guilt and the feeling that you are not understood and accepted, suppress sympathy and trust in parents.
So, If your child is doing something that you personally do not like, but is happy and prosperous, try to leave him alone..
When a child is wrong If you want something strange, your child may be wrong. Wait for the gleeful shout of “Yeah, same!” His wrongness is not that he refuses to accept your position about his own life. It is that he thinks more about becoming independent of other people’s examples than about his true desires and talents.
How Parental Anti-Scenario Works
The situation, which the popular saying describes as “in spite of my mother’s ears I will frostbite” seems curious. But children can actually act in an annoying way because they don’t want to go with their parents and be like them. At the same time, children themselves do not always understand what they are doing, because such behaviors are unconscious.
“Anti-scenario is the opposite of a script; demonstrative opposition, acting contrary to what is dictated by each indication of the script.” – Eric Byrne, Group Psychotherapy
Unconscious, deep-seated resistance comes, as a rule, from the earliest years. If you’ve talked about your field of work throughout your child’s life as the only possible and attractive one for him, then it’s likely that he’s unconsciously trying to choose the opposite. In fact, it may not be the opposite that he likes.
The idea of protest should not be taken literally. Just because a teenager plays video games all day doesn’t mean he doesn’t “really” like video games. However, the grotesque absolutization of the way of life in a closed room surrounded by empty pizza boxes and game consoles can be a rebellion against the athlete’s father and mom obsessed with proper nutrition. At the same time, the child is not disgusted by nature, the sun, fresh fruits and active rest as such - he is disgusted by the demonstration of positive emotions from this to his parents. This whole area is parental territory, so emotions are blocked.
“Sometimes a person obeys a scripted instruction that involves rebellion.” – Eric Byrne, People Who Play Games
The world is divided into what you want and what you will never approve of. Between these extremes there is nothing. Even if it turns out that some of your ideas and solutions are suitable for the child, he will carefully ignore and reject them. But in the area of interest will get what you definitely would not do. It’s not that your son or daughter hates you so much that he doesn’t want anything to do with you. It’s just a space of freedom where you don’t have competence and authority, where you can be independent.
Too much care.
Do you do everything you can – a good school, clubs and sections – and the child does some nonsense, or does he want nothing and shows neglect? Complete rejection of everything that comes from parents is often associated with hyperprotection.
Before we wring our hands and say, “We put our whole soul on you!”Ask yourself what it’s like to live with the knowledge that you have your whole soul laid on you.. It’s as if a person comes up to you and hands you a poodle weight: carry it, it’s our gift, it’s because we love you so much. Not everyone can cope with this responsibility.
Rebellion or a choice?
Compensatory, demonstrative behavior is uneven and compulsive. He always has a reason - neurotic denial, unwillingness to repeat another's model, even a phobia. If you stop pressing about the “right” decision, there is a good chance that the protest will soon fade away, and the choice will fall on something less radical.It makes sense to suppress only those behaviors that harm the immediate well-being and health of anyone.
Healthy identity, whatever it is, is not the result of trauma. Conscious choice is constant and gives a person satisfaction. It is not done to spite mom and dad, but not to please them. Try to realize and demonstrate that your example is not the only one, and that there are other ways besides radical resistance and complete repetition. You have to stop seeing yourself in the child. Did you buy your son some great boxing gloves he doesn't touch? Finally admit that you bought them as a gift. It's a shame they're too small for you.Also interesting: Don’t make your children the meaning of your life.Lazy mom: My choice is not to be lazy to teach, but lazy to do it myself.
In particularly difficult cases, it makes sense to turn to a psychologist - and this is not even about the child, but about yourself. If how satisfied you are with your own parenting role is determined by how much you like your child’s lifestyle and interests, rather than whether he or she is happy and harmonious on his or her own, that’s a reason to think. published
Author: Alice Zagradskaya
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: newtonew.com/discussions/whatever-i-do-what-i-want
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