A plea for help from a distressed mother whose 16-year-old daughter is dating an adult man

Transitional age in adolescent girls begins earlier than in male peers. While classmates play computer games with friends, girls read novels about love. Love for a teenager is a strong feeling, it is not at all like the love of an adult. Teenagers in love are emotional and naive. They experience a strong feeling for the first time and can not always cope with it.

Mothers often seek help from a psychologist when there are problems with the upbringing of a teenager. The situation of Natalia, whose 16-year-old daughter is dating a 35-year-old man, is indicative. The daughter is sure that the chosen one is the love of her life. And my mother does not know what to think and what a grown man needs from a little girl: Ira has been dating a man for several months, whom I have not seen in the eyes. He's 200 years older than her! Anton was already married, and from his first marriage he has a 10-year-old child. I was yelling at my daughter and begging her to stop dating him. But she can't hear me, Natalia says.



Teenage love love is wonderful. The problem is that a beautiful girl rarely falls in love with her peers. After reading novels, a teenager draws in the imagination the ideal man. The hero-lover from the novel is a handsome middle-aged man. He is experienced, independent and caring, seeks to get a family, knows how to behave with girls. Teenagers often fall in love with people who are several years older. Of course, the union of an adult man and a very young girl worries parents, and they begin to resist forbidden love with all their might.



Parents of teenagers know how difficult it is to raise a child at a difficult age. The teenager begins to look for the meaning of life and his purpose in this world. Often, the search for oneself provokes the discontent of parents, and friendships become more difficult to maintain. This is what the child needs right now. A teenager trusts his friends more than his parents, thinks that his parents do not understand anything. And when a mother reacts aggressively to her daughter’s chosen one, a middle-aged man, this behavior only confirms the child’s fears.

Here it is necessary to understand that aggression and unwillingness to accept the chosen one who is older, the mother puts her love, care and worries about her daughter. While the daughter sees it differently: she believes that her mother does not want her daughter to be happy.



Before taking any action, a mother should ask herself questions that bother her. Then think carefully and give an objective answer. Questions: “What am I afraid of?”, “What can happen?”, “Is my fears correct?” are quite adequate when you wish the well-being of your child. It is logical to assume that a mother will worry about her daughter’s physical intimacy with some man.



Then you have to decide for yourself, does the mother agree that her 16-year-old daughter is ready for such intimacy? Does the girl know how to protect herself? Another important point is to draw a parallel with personal experience. Every parent knows that first love does not last forever. Mom can remember how she herself experienced a breakup in a loved one with whom their life paths diverged. So it happens, and taking care of the psychological health of your child is a sign of sincere love for your child.

But in order to protect an emotional teenager in love, it’s not enough to say, “You’re not going to date this man,” or “Don’t come home if I see you’re dating him,” and all that. This will only make things worse, alienating the teenager. So what's the right thing to do?



Nikita Karpov is a psychologist with 17 years of experience. He specializes in child psychology and works with teenagers. The psychologist is sure that parents should not interfere in the relationship of a teenager with good intentions. Instead of undermining your authority and spoiling the relationship with the child, it is better to abandon categorical prohibitions and take the side of the teenager.

To help your child see the situation with an open mind, it is important to talk to them. Only when a teenager can trust a parent and talk about their experiences, only then can they be helped without harming them. It is the parent’s job to actively listen, not demagogy: it is important to ask the right questions and hear what the child is saying. Do not insist on anything and give advice only when the child asks for it.



So the girl will not stop dating an adult man, but will know how to act in a new situation. You can't be biased against your daughter's boys just because they're a few years older. It is very easy to calm your nerves or confirm your concerns about this person - to meet him. On social media or in person. The very reaction to dating will tell a lot to a loving mother who is in front of her. And then she will have no doubts as to what is best to do.



Trust relations between parents and adolescents are quite rare. Often, a teenager hides a lot from mom and dad, does not share experiences, thoughts, moves away from parents. If you notice strange behavior in your child or think that he needs help, but can not talk to the child, it may be time to talk to a psychologist. An unknown person and his friends, a teenager will trust more easily. A psychologist can help to establish relationships with parents.