Director of the Institute of non-formal education, expert, columnist of the magazine Snob Zitser Dima spoke about the difficulties of adolescence, fears of parents and how to maintain a relationship of trust with your children. < Website It is useful to publish a selection of the parents.
Vk.mePravilo Take a number one. If up to this point you have not had personal experience of consciousness, it is the time to start. Find something that you like. Otherwise, you will continually seek to find fault with anything in your child.
Rule number two Breathe. When you are talking to a person who within the revolution (in this case - the revolution connected with the so-called "transitional age"), always at the beginning of the conversation to physically breathe. This is not a figure of speech. Take a deep breath - and drove off. Always, always, even if we talk for a pleasant topic.
Rule number three Take them for what they are. But it's easy to say, but what is it and how it is - to take? Remind yourself that you are now with your loved one who is sick, yes: hurt, even if it seems that he is well. Remember the fairy tale by Hans Christian Andersen about the little mermaid, which badly hurt when she walks? Man in the transition to adulthood and lives like this: he feels much brighter than we are - and when he is well, and when bad
Rule number four Go at it on occasion.. I give this advice with caution, but with all my heart. If, for example, people aged 15 years comes home and says, "I want ice cream," it means that he believes in what you give him the ice cream is that you - the partner. After he reached the age when he can and take whatever he wants. Remember this, admire the fact that your relationships are, and "let the ice cream».
Rule number five Remind yourself that this is your favorite person. He tries different ways to interact with reality. And if he was lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, it does not mean that it is idling. At this point, he passes an enormous mental work. As each one of us, he has the right to rest and think.
Do not you think, when we begin a new novel, we suddenly becomes incredibly important that this person likes, what does not like, what kind of food eat, what movies are watching, in which computer games playing. And if he is lying on the bed staring at the ceiling, it seems that he is the best in the world on the bed staring at the ceiling ... So, I wish you the same attitude to your child - a dizzying novel with him
<. br> Rule number six tells about himself. Even if you feel that it is not interested. How is your day went, what you got, what does not, what are you afraid. This is your chance to communicate now and in the future. Does not work with people in this age group, "What I was in school? How was your day? ". He has already told who should, how was his day. All you can do is tell you how was your. And then it is possible that it will tell about yourself. Or, at least, he will know that if he wants to share, have an ear ready to listen.
Rule number seven aware that he has a lot of new interest. And it will be crazy happiness, if he let in these new interests you. It makes no sense to delay it to the old. Late. If you - an amateur angler, and up to 11 years, he has not "hooked" with you for fishing, the chances that he will love this occupation, small. But if, instead of fishing he will start throwing the spear, you have a chance pometat spear with him. Remember that next to you is solid, organic, independent person, and you can get acquainted with this person again.
Main rule Create a child rear. he needed someone. Especially in the transition to adulthood. "Forward" to him enough without you. Let the house will rear for him - where you can be weak, shut up when I want to just relax
about the crisis and we have to adolescence many crises held a variety of.. We really like the psychologists have taught us, it is largely involved on what happens to us in the first three years of life. About three years I became suddenly clear that I - an independent personality. A huge number of models and habits remain with me to the age. And the way I live adolescence, 90% depends on what was before in my life.
About seven years came the discovery that there are a lot of personalities, worlds apart from me, that I can enter into a relationship.
And in the so-called puberty, when crazy conventions of this definition, I'm starting to move very, very alone, and I understand how my world defines my life. I reveal that in fact a huge amount of what happens in my life, very much depends on me, my inner state, my attitude towards the events.
And this, of course, the revolution. It need not be bloody: the existential revolution is not equal to the October revolution. This revision of the model in which we live: the more I try just in this period, the more interesting I will live on. To put it or not, it is another matter. But interestingly, exactly.
Of course, as in every revolution, my life is not easy. You have to understand, let's say, who is behind the red, white and who is behind. And, fortunately or unfortunately, that's why there are poles: when I first someone or something completely love and then just completely hate. At this point, I try to touch the world, learn to understand it intuitively, and it affects a lot.
About humanity What is humanity? My right to doubt, to err, to take back his promise not to take and fulfill the right to resist the instincts or follow them. Check own humanity, in the applied sense of the word, and there is an awkward age. I think the phrase from the Scriptures, "The kingdom of God is within you" - these are the words of adolescence. All in you, everything inside, a huge world.
Our task, the world, the adult world - to bring the concepts of freedom and responsibility. Unfortunately, it is assumed that a person in this age it is necessary to take care on all sides. And I can think of at this age, as much as possible "to let him go on an independent voyage," give him the opportunity and the right to touch the world on touch and test. This can be expressed in a variety of activities as close to the heart of parents, for example, read, watch performances, obtain new cultural experience, and not close to them, for example, to get acquainted with a lot of people to try different models of communication.
changes in the relationship Doubt - the main quality of puberty. 13-17 - is the age of doubt and feverish checking everything. After all, I now have appeared to give strength to say: "I do not want it!". I can honestly ask ourselves different questions: I love Oscar Wilde or not? I love to spend the evening at the computer, or is it imposed by my peers? And in fact, I love soup? I am aware that I have the right not love soup, not inspired by the film, which is about the parents said: "You have to see it!". I'm right there to say "no" and to say "yes».
The parents in this period, too, is opened. It's tremendously - to look at his son or daughter in the transition to adulthood, and to understand that the person I love about you is a huge world, often new and unfamiliar. The other side of this discovery: you can send to hell, really. If a parent says in 10 years, "Doesh soup, otherwise you do not get up from the table," and, choking, the child eats the soup, in 14 years there is no chance that he did eat up. He just gets up and leaves, and an adult at this point lost contact with him and is horrified: "He that is now gone forever from the table?»
About rear child must know that he has a safe haven. If his home advanced, he will run away from there. Each of us is looking for a safe haven. This may be another person, a company, a group Vkontakte. All, in fact, is very simple: we are moving away from those with whom we feel bad. And we want to be with those with whom we well.
When I myself was in puberty, I was lucky, I had an address, a place where you could go, because there is good and you understand. Where are you going not out of a sense of contradiction, not because no one else, but quite the contrary. It was a delegate meeting Spectators, okoloteatralnaya organization that once invented himself Bryantsev for homeless children in the belief that the theater - brilliant structuring and modifying space
I went there, and found that there are many people like me. And together to experience a lot easier. In hindsight, I can say that it saved me in many ways. This "rescue" should be for everyone. . Naturally, his
About parental fears Parental thing - fear. If adults give aware of the fact that they are afraid it will be the first step to understanding that things in them. And what torment of his own fear of the other person - it is at least unseemly. To be afraid and to understand that I'm afraid - a good thing
In no case can not spy: read personal diaries, correspondence, dig into things. It's just a betrayal. Declaration of war. What are you going to do then? Asking forgiveness for life? And most importantly, it does nothing.
We must remember that I have to do I can not do anything. At 10 he could no longer 14.
Well, let's say, I spotted the 15-year-old son with a cigarette. Well, I take away, arrange the scandal, will cut off his hands - he will smoke his feet
What remains for me? Just get back on his side. Only from there can I get access to the effect: to interact, argue, convince
For example, my 14 year old son and my daughter come late in the evening, and so we lost contact, I do not know where he was and with whom. I can forbid him to come too late, and we know what will happen after the ban: a scandal and breaking relations. Alternative: to admit that I'm afraid. I lie in bed and I'm afraid, and wait for him to come and go to sleep only when I hear the front door slam. This parenthood, nothing can be done about it.
I can tell him that I'm afraid to tell you what I feel. I can ask him to come too late, call me. Because it is normal - ask a loved one to do something for us, especially if we also do something for him
Transitional age - is a complicated thing. This is the period of union with loved ones, not a battle for life and death, as it is sometimes taken to represent him. And the most wonderful parents, confusing the former with the latter, can easily damage the relationship with their children. And for a long time.
Never too late to start. If you have lost the connection and trust, just go back to what we talked about above.
And - you wonderful adventures of adolescence