My husband, as you know, is full of quirk. And the other would be on me, and not married. And one of these is a quirk constant desire to acquire things in pairs. Such wholesaler-joker.
For example, we come to a shoe store to buy me shoes. I remeasure all hold on to something. This is normal, women will understand. And my hands are long, when it comes to shopping.
The husband will first stagnate patiently nearby, then descends to smoke, then another potopchetsya, still smoke, will bypass the entire shopping center, potopchetsya again, sigh, Crouching dozen painfully grimacing again to smoke, ask the sellers, as if by chance, you will soon close shop, More potopchetsya.
Finally, I choose what you want.
- Are you sure? - Asks the husband.
- I'm sure - I will answer - take.
- Take two couples - always tell the husband.
Question: what the hell the woman two identical pairs of shoes, if the city crazy amount of shoe shops? Men do not understand their logic thinking arranged quite differently. Do you like them? Like. You comfortable in them? Conveniently. So why look for something else, if you can take two identical pairs and calm down?
I order the online store blouse. Showing her husband photograph Tip: take - not to take.
- Cute, I approve - the husband says. And traditionally adds: Book Two.
What? Why do I need two of the same blouse?
It's simple: what if you are a wash?
Here is the truth, what if? Suddenly I find Shiz, and I decide to wash a blouse. Yes, even, God forbid, in the foreseeable future. All people are people, and I - hello - wash things decided. And yet, the apocalypse is imminent. From the house to get out there is nothing, because another of the same blouse I have not. And in the other clothes I have on the street may not be empty, grievous times now.
Or buy a mouse pad. One. Because hindsight, muddler. What if tomorrow the authorities will change all computer stores will be closed? Or is there another Mizulina erotic fantasy and mats ban? So it is necessary to have a backup, and then the leaky five years - how we will live?
Yogurt buy at the grocery. Bury said two. And I am not yet tried the yogurt, I do not like all of a sudden? And if you are not sure, then do not take it. Buy proved that you love. Two.
And so - always and everywhere.
You also arose the suspicion that he had somewhere there is a second wife? Well, I suddenly die or run away, or I was kidnapped extraterrestrial beings? Verily I say to you, he has somewhere to be the reserve.
Well, it's all the background. Now, actually, about the hat.
Two years ago, my husband came up with another stupid idea: he wanted a hat.
People who know my husband personally now slipped under the table and shaking with laughter. And I understand them, because imagine my husband's hat is not so simple. My husband and hat are incompatible, such as Winnie the Pooh and sandals from Jimmy Choo and Edita and a Kalashnikov.
But he was impatient. And not just a hat as the director ovoschebazah, not straw, like a cheerful cowgirl. No, this is our hero. It took him a cowboy hat.
I neighed three days and the fourth fell ill. And in its death throes he whispered only one thing: "Fuck you on the collar, not a cowboy hat».
The question "why ?!" clear answer he could give. But I know him, thank God, a thousand years. And I do know that he never in his life from home in a cowboy hat will not work (and if you will, the back will not go down). With this hat will gather dust in the attic, which without it is full of rubbish.
I did not tell you about the lathe? Yeah, once he desperately needed a lathe, except as Pinocchio sharpening.
I had read three-hour lecture on how I feel about being disrespectful to his hobby as I was standing racking all his noble impulses, but I give it to evolve in the works and how hard to live with the master cook. A wife should be a friend, a colleague, a wife should support her husband in all his endeavors, be it support, to believe in him! "A and dick with you, do what you want" - I said, tired of this verbal diarrhea, and went into the kitchen, where he should dwell any stupid peasant woman.
And her husband bought a machine, and dragged the 40-kilogram fool the apartment. Gordo put into the pantry, where he is the fourth year neraschehlёnnym. And what this lathe is not enough, so it's cowboy hat.
In general, I poked her husband's nose in the lathe, as well as - one by one - in high winter boots, without which it is terrible mёrz and which ultimately refused to wear; in DVD-player, he bought without consulting, and which included only once, on the day of purchase; in navigation, without which a motorist can not live a single day, and that is already covered with moss, because we still use for this purpose my cell phone - and told how to cut: no hats.
Just then I arrived our vacation and we went to the Czech Republic.
First there was the Prague, Ceske Budejovice then. And so we arrived in the beautiful town of Cesky Krumlov. Threw things, paid for housing, we went for a walk.
Weather, nature, indescribable beauty, the city-fairy tale. The whole day walking, enjoyed, admired, in the evening began to come in souvenir shops and various shops.
Suddenly we go in one such shop, and there is quite a small room mini-branch Apraksin Yard. As the house is not left: sellers - Vietnamese, but all the space from floor to ceiling filled up by Turkish and Chinese belongings. Jeans, blouses, slippers, Boucicaut, and in the midst of all this splendor ... Yes. Hats.
My eyes lit up bad guy fire, gubёnki flicked, little hands were shaking. Well, I - a woman of experience, once this thing prosekla, I got a rock stone between husband and hats and said the heck with the two! Even think forget. This will not happen as not to happen to me on the board of directors of Gazprom.
Male head drooped, members slumped, looking at me sadly and said, swallowing tears: Well, you can at least trying?
And before I felt sorry for him. Okay, I say, figs with you, ape.
Remeasure all. And there is just no colors were not. And in all - a fool. But funny.
We have fun, gone. Come on, again, the weather, the beauty of nature, enjoy. Far drowned, crossed the bridge, and then the husband and inexpressible anguish in his voice said:
- But if you had not, I would now hat was ...
And I feel so good, what bliss to the soul, so calm ... And suddenly I covered a wave of kindness and love for his neighbor. And I thought, well, really what I bristle what vzelas? Hat a cheap, buy - the world will not go. In St. Petersburg he was still wearing it will not, and from abroad and can popridurivatsya, we're on holiday, at the end of it all.
- You know - I say to his neighbor, - go and buy the damn hat channels. Just come back to me lazy, I'll wait here.
And now imagine the face of the child of five who bought a toy railroad. Presented? Here's face was in that moment of my overage boy. As a child in such cases we say "happiness full pants».
Him as the wind blew. He knows that we must act immediately, before I change my mind.
I stand, smoke, waiting for him. Long wait. And its all there and there. Already beginning to worry - you do not get lost? Not abducted whether local girls so beautiful cowboy? I did not find what you imagine spirited filly?
Tired of standing, he sat down at a table in the cafe, ordered a latte, drink. Suddenly I saw: my talking Marlborough. I saw it and nearly choked coffee. For in his hands he was carrying three, three, stsuko hats! Gray, brown and black. Three.
- And why not eight? - I asked, clearing his throat. - Where are you three hats, you train any of them will not wear?
- I would, - answers. - Grey I'll be wearing these clothes, and black - a black jacket.
- It is reasonable - I say. - A brown? Brown Shirts you do not.
- A brown - the most beautiful - retorted her husband.
Against facts not trample. Big ship - a great swimming, a cowboy - a pile of hats.
About fifteen minutes I could not straighten up with laughter, imagining it in these hats goes to work. On the first day - gray, the second - in black. And the third said in a brown and men will die of envy - of course, in the event that no more would die of laughter on the first day.
Aw, come on, waved. Vacation same. Let the fun.
We went further. They passed the church, went to the park. Meeting people, chat, the topic changed for a long time. Already accustomed to the fact that there are three hats.
Suddenly the husband was silent for a long time about something and says, thinking:
- Hey, is it true what the hell I bought three hats?
- I was not there, that's what you and let himself go, - I answered.
- I'm a fool for something - my husband scratched his head. - The air of freedom has turned my head. I also hat why? Take pictures, poprikalyvatsya. Well, where I'm going to go there? A fool a roll - and a hat is enough. Again, here we go to Brno, then in Olomouc, then to Prague. And all of these hats have to carry with them. I'll go two hats true. Only need to choose which of them to leave.
Quickly organized a family meeting, good, all participants on the spot. Unanimously decided to keep the gray, because it fits under clothing.
I went for a walk in the park, and her husband rushed back to the store.
I look forward to it, forward. Neto and no. No way, I think, has decided that it is more expensive hat wife and uchesal them to the Canadian border.
Suddenly he returns. With empty hands.
- Good to you - say - the evening, merry minute. You're like a dare, scoundrel, to appear before the queen without a hat? Where is the hat?
- Kusya - meets a husband - it was some kind of brain fog. Reason temporarily left me and is now back in place. What for me this stupid hat? Well I will not wear it ever in my life. What do I itch to buy it - do not understand. Crazy idea, I do not need it.
And we have another hour walk in the park, laughing and having fun, "Oh, hat! Oh, I can not! Hamster in a cowboy hat! Ahaha! Where's your horse, cowboy, you have traded it for a pint of good old ale? For such a hat and boots with spurs need! Look in the bushes something lying around - not yours whether this colt? How did you come to the ranch without a hat, cowboy? Look, what a bird, now I catch her with his lasso! »
Plenty of drunk, we went back. In conversations forces left, so walked in silence. We left the park, passed the church, passed the bridge ... We approach the Vietnamese store, and then my husband says:
- And what I, fool that hat does not leave?
Where I was standing and landed there. I was sitting on the sidewalk next to the store, rzhu hysterically and I can not say anything. Tears hail. Could only wave his hand to her husband: go, go!
Coming out of the store with a gray hat in hand, my husband said only that he had never in my life seen the Vietnamese such big round eyes. The reason is clear: a man comes, trying on all the available hats, leaves without buying anything, returned half an hour later, buys three hat goes off in half an hour back again, bring a hat, takes the money out, an hour is over and buys a hat .
As we sat together on the sidewalk and bellow, wiping tears hat Vietnamese rushed out of the store all the herd and quickly closed it. Because they understood: now this idiot otsmeёtsya and again bring a hat.
In general, the hat is now forever with us. Decorates lathe.
The other day my husband was trying to sell it on Avito, but I stood up on its hind legs. This hat is dear to me as a memory, but also, when he was once again visited by any ridiculous idea to buy garbage, I do not have to run all over the apartment and poke his nose into the machine, in boots, to the player, in the navigator. I now spend a lot less time and energy. I just got the hat.
In the picture - the heroine of the story on the window of our room in Olomouc.