Make complaints against parents, poor relationship with them – one of the most common
in the practice of any psychologist, I am in this case, is no exception. "Worse than little children...", "tired climb in life...", "how do I get..."— the list is endless. But, what do you think is the most vivid feeling of experiencing the absolute majority of adults in relation to their elderly parents AFTER their death? The feeling of guilt for improper behavior, insufficient time, undeveloped emotions.
As a consequence, people after the death of his parents, long time to come to terms with the loss, grieved the severity of the loss, and the rest of life carries on itself the weight of guilt.To break the cycle I suggest you to follow not tricky rules.
Of course, this is not a panacea, but a way to make your parents life not a flour, but happy to gift each other time.
1. Expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised
You don't expect positivity from the upcoming communication with elderly parents? And do not wait, but if the evening still be enjoyable, the better. In addition, it is possible to get pleasure from himself, from his behavior.
For example, you know you will have a painful conversation to which parents come for the first time. Look, because no matter how many times the topic was discussed, further words business is still not go, what's the point in getting angry and irritated? Tune in to restraint and endure the beginning of an unpleasant conversation, encourage and praise yourself mentally for patience and self-control. Quietly listening to the views of parents, think about how you will be a quarter of a century later.2. To take the initiative
In childhood mom and dad are perceived as super beings, all knowing, all-powerful. We came to them not so much with joy as with problems, looking for advice. But over time, this aura fades and it's time to take on the role of leader not only in career but also in building family relationships.Create your rules and rituals of love in communicating with parents and stick to them.
Remember, the parents didn't let us work when we were young – it's time for us to filter information, eliminating them from their troubles, they still are not able to solve it. Our well-being – a measure of consistency in life, their self-confidence.3. Accept what is, and not re
Who my mother was not told about a neighbor boy who eats well and listen to parents or a classmate, pleasing excellent grades? When parents age and begin to need help, there is a desire to go the same way and give the example of old lady neighbor that walks a lot and eats right.
But it is useless, you don't fix them, and criticism "in the forehead" cause a backlash of negativity and rejection. As an option (if physical ability allow parents) to go to the trick, for example, give the puppy have to regularly walk, with the words "granddaughter will be frequent guests to socialize with a dog-handsome".4. Keep abreastIndispensable attribute of aging – disease.
Even if you do not personally carry any of the parents to the doctors, you should monitor the progress of their disease and understand what they represent, what the consequences might be and, alternatively, to try on. For example, if dad loses his eyesight, try one day to spend with a blindfold to understand how he feels.
And how will you feel nothing hearing? But if to move the legs so hard like on each hanging weight? With age, people lose the physical ability, there's nothing you can do but you can learn to accept this fact and think in the key "and how they would have been more comfortable".
5. Not konfliktuete
Older people are very often aggressive, even for no apparent reason, and the change of mood from "complacent" to "exasperated" comes in the blink of an eye. This is a result of dissatisfaction, inability to cope with the growing fatigue of mind and body. Do not succumb to provocations, will retaliate – and lost.
Dirt the dirt doesn't wash out.Smile, ignore attacks an elderly relative and whenever possible, change the vector, the subject. Distract him and he forgets about it as soon as he was angry.6. Not pity, but compassion
Between these two feelings – a huge gap. Pity makes people weak, pathetic, compassion can be constructive, even cynical, but is able to give strength and confidence.Compassion
is very important, this is a friendly shoulder to lean on in difficult times. To spare
means to take on problem solving, thus depriving him of the last vestiges of self-respect.7. No need to argue and prove innocence or guilt
A typical situation: the grandmother-the pensioner complains that the adult children load it with some responsibilities, for example, walk the dog, and she gets tired. And you remember how the situation developed, and the soul burns to say but as you suggested, because we are late at work! To argue here it is useless because she has her own version of events.
Moreover, the exemption from "honorary duties" will be an occasion for a new wave of discontent – I do not trust!Perpetual dissatisfaction is a way to draw attention to himself. The elderly do not have enough sense of self-worth, because they can not create life significant results on their own.
This is a new feature of character due to age-related changes. You know that grandma won't be able to walk up to the tenth floor? So this is a new feature of take it for granted and learn to recycle give old negative energy and to return positive.More say words of love and gratitude.8. More
Young children are fascinated with everything around, with age, alas, passes, emotions and senses lose sharpness. Many of the problems in the elderly from boredom.
Grandmother on the bench wash up bones neighbors because of the lack of other themes, vivid impressions, but that's not a problem – worse if communication is limited to the TV screen.Older people just need something to do.
Crooks vparivayut the elderly Nickel's worth of goods for fabulous sums, are looking not just lonely, but socially narrow-minded old people, and the best way to deal with this phenomenon – not the iron door and combination locks, and an interesting case. Moreover, in principle, any – someone is going company, national sewing costumes and singing songs Yes ("Buranovskie grandmother"), and someone at the computer in game "cut" and requested that the grandchildren not just to visit to look, and to install a new toy.
If your mom enthusiastically recounts another episode of the series or a long and tedious tells what and where it hurts, listen patiently. It is a series of events.
Unfortunately, the information space delivers not only positive emotions. Of course we, as caring children, try to limit parents from the negative, but it is not always possible. So the same should be taken as a given, since it is life.9. Not to blame, and myself included too
When we think about communication with loved ones, guilt arises very often. It seems to us that in everyday Affairs we criminally little attention to children, spouse and, of course, parents. In the latter case, the situation is aggravated by the understanding that the time in the world elderly relatives inevitably ends, they will leave and we will stay, and not having time, not saying, not added something important.
But you need to know the following:people on the border of life and death more and more immersed in himself, trying to put in order thoughts of the past, often just dropping out of this.It is the peculiarities of thinking, especially memory.
The events of recent days vanish like mist, leaving the main mom and dad. We can give them as much as possible, but this does not mean that it should be their own life to replace the life of the parents. It will not lead to anything good, on the contrary, a cause of reasonable discontent – why the child's favorite and have not built a career, started a family? And explain that you wanted to be there, will have no weight.10. Forgive and forgive
Perhapsthe most important thing
– to learn to forgive. To put it in yesterday and start each new meeting as if no hard feelings and it was not
because there are more important things than trying to get the parents to understand your stance. In addition, if you do not forgive parents today – tomorrow they may be, will not be...To forgive is not easy, it requires strength.
There are many practices to preserve the ability to be compassionate – do not neglect them. Although the most effective, probably, to be able to laugh. Sharing, laughter washes away negativity and allows you to step unpleasant topic and move on.
Hope this helps you make your relationship with your parents is warmer and better.published
Author: Maria Kudryavtseva
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©