Unnecessary competition: parents versus parents

The family of the XXI century lives in plain sight, and from the birth of a child about his achievements can be easily communicated to the whole world, publishing on Facebook the news thatExactly one year and two months Mitya went!? To which, in a series of friendly congratulations, you will inevitably receive such messages:

• "Wow, how long I've been going! Our daughter ran at ten months, and you can not stop.
• "It's so late!"
• Boys always develop more slowly than girls.

Just three comments, sent without much thought, And Miti's mom starts to wonder, "What's going on, my baby is behind the planet?" Mitya's not the best? ?. So she herself does not notice how she falls into the trap of the competition “Faster, higher, stronger”, where some parents with enviable stubbornness try to overtake others.





Parental competition existed before the advent of the Internet, but was separate, developed within a separate yard, where, sitting on a bench and rocking strollers with sleeping babies, mothers boasted to each other: “And mine yesterday said “mother!” And the answer was, "What are you saying?" Well, when we were six months old, we had our first word, and since then, every day has been something new. At this time, “my” and “our” cozy slouched in dermatine-hollowed strollers and did not blow in their mustache, which right now become objects of pride and pride. exhibition of achievements of parental economy.

Working mothers look down on housewives who put themselves (according to the belief of the former) on the altar of motherhood, while each side is sure that she knows the secret of a right life. Parents, due to various circumstances, switched to artificial mixture, try to avoid conversations with those who are set on long-term breastfeeding, otherwise you can not avoid advice and sympathetic interjections.

The subject of comparison is usually several popular topics:

• walking / crawling / mastering the pot / sleep;
• development of speech;
• Knowledge of letters and numbers, the ability to read, count and write;
• school successes;
• Children's birthday parties.

The victims of senseless competition are both children and parents. Trying to catch up with the success of others and seriously upset if the result does not meet expectations, adults miss the main thing - the simple joy of parenthood and enjoying childhood. Instead of playing hide-and-seek and bouncers with children, parents load them with additional educational activities, sometimes against the will they convince children to learn to ride a bicycle (after all, all familiar children from two to five skate), learn to fold syllables (somewhere they heard that to get to a good school, you need to have a reading technique at least forty words per minute already in preparation), steam broccoli (mothers on the forum claim that their children for both cheeks braid cauliflower and broccoli). Children become hostages of high expectations, which they want to meet because of their love for their parents, but they do not always succeed. Children feel dissatisfaction with adults, conclude that they are not good enough compared to others, experience and get problems with self-esteem.

Parents forget that each child is talented in his or her own way, and childhood success does not always depend on the efforts made by mothers and fathers. We seem to realize that comparisons are not constructive, but we can’t help it.



How to stop competing with other parents? 1. Understand whose opinion is truly authoritative for you: A pediatrician who assures you that your baby is developing normally, your partner who suggests you don’t trust what you hear from online forums, or your own intuition.



2. To moderate the enthusiasm of books on parenting and put a filter on the recommendations given in them, Remembering that most of these manuals by definition cannot be standards, expressing a single point of view of the author. And also that the stated theories are generalized and can not take into account the characteristics of your child.



3. Remember the "but" effect.A four-year-old child may not be interested in letters, but he masterfully rides on a scooter, deft, active and able to walk around the museums of a European city with his parents without complaints and tired. The five-year-old girl does not descend from the slides, avoids swings and attractions, but she is sensitive and affectionate, draws well and composes interesting fairy tales. Parents’ dreams may have nothing to do with their child’s talents. It is not uncommon for a mother to draw the image of a sporty, enduring leader son, and a vulnerable, sensitive, poetic boy is born. And it is important to remember all his “but”: from the ability to empathy to honesty and romanticism.



4. Decide what matters: Raising a healthy, happy child or filling in the boxes in a questionnaire that someone unknown took as a sample. Listen to your inner voice or follow in the footsteps of friends who chose homeschooling for their children or put two-year-old twins on alpine skiing – and therefore we need to.



5. Do not put on a talk show from the phrase: Our Polina won the city Olympiad in mathematics. It is enough to congratulate the parents and sincerely rejoice in the success of their child. And to complain about the fact that your precious student does not master fractions and, it seems, did not go to the parents-programmers, although the physics and mathematics school was chosen for a reason is not worth it: this is the sure way to the fact that the conversation will go into the mainstream of measures and weights. And it turns out that the clever Polina solved fractions in kindergarten, and your Matvey against her background is in an unpleasant list of laggards.



6. Minimize communication with those who instill doubt in your children.If, while waiting for a child in the hallway of the art studio, you constantly have to enter into dialogues about the talents of his fellow students, it may be better to wait out the time of classes in the nearest cafe. Surround yourself with those who are able to support you in both a difficult situation and the success of your children. It is also better not to become the initiators of such discussions, if you are not sure that you can sincerely rejoice.



7. Compare your child’s accomplishments with those of other children. It's with his own results from previous periods: "Your handwriting is much better" or "You've been pulling up five times this summer!"



Parental rivalry is a way to prove to yourself that you are not worse than others, if your child is somehow ahead of their peers. This is very similar to looking into a neighbor’s notebook during a school essay in Russian: how is it that a classmate has already rolled half a page, and I did not have a single good idea? Only now we compete with long-grown classmates, and the subject of competition are children.

This competition is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, You are afraid of being worse than others, of not giving your children the best they deserve. On the other hand, It is scary to be a braggart, whose grass is greener, and the child in three years learned to read, and I want to share the joy of the fact that my daughter passed a difficult competition in ballet school. But you can. compromise One day, voluntarily withdraw from a race in which there is no finish, because always someone will be more worthy of the Nobel Prize, the Guinness Book of Records or the photo on the first cover of a glossy magazine. It is better to stop comparing your family to others. Then you will come to understand that love for children, care for them and pleasure from the time spent together is the most important criterion for your success as a parent.published



Credit Lena Charlien



P.S. And remember, just changing our consumption – together we change the world!

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Source: letidor.ru/article/nenuzhnaya_konkurentsiya_rodit_41509/