- Comrades, declared a general medical examination! - Declared the director. - Who does not take place, until the work will not be tolerated!
The idea came to me in the shower, finally check out the heart, which is worrisome lately. And toe hurts after an unsuccessful game of football.
Choosing a day, I went to the clinic.
- Please go to the seventh, and then in the tenth study, - muttered plump aunt at the reception.
On the door was a sign of the seventh cabinet "Surgeon". Just what I need.
- Hello - I looked into the room.
- Come, - smiling young nurses.
The doctor, something Cherkov on paper, without taking his eyes off her, he asked:
- What do you have?
- You know, I have a toenail on foot hurts. I played ...
- Reach your fingernail - do not let me finish it.
I took off shoes and socks. The doctor, seeing a glimpse, ordered to wear it all back.
- Make a compress of alcohol for two months. Then peel off the nail. Pants remove - gave it without any transition.
I stared at him.
- You have medical examination else? - She murmured tenderly nurse.
- That takes off his pants.
I lowered his pants, lowered my pants doctor, nurse stared at something outside the window.
- MXM - meknul doctor. - Pants below descend and turn.
I hesitantly looked at the nurse. She continued to stare intently out the window. Holding hands pants, I turned back to the doctor.
- Lean, - he told.
I turned my head and decided to rebel, but he did not give me.
- Below the inclined! Rest hands against the couch.
I let go of his pants and put his hands on the bed, covered with red skin of a young leatherette.
- And in fact, what you want to see there? - I asked.
Behind something sheburshali. Once again I turned my head and opened his mouth to scream, but I escaped only wheezing "& la I-I ^ s!", Because the doctor had pulled the glove dipped gel finger and put it to me in the ass.
Poshurovav there for a few seconds, he threw casually:
- Get dressed! - I and - Sphincter strong, no hemorrhoids - a nurse who wrote something in my card.
Quickly dressed, I left the office.
Feeling gel penetration in the finger of the surgeon, I am swearing, went to the tenth cabinet. "One time, not 3.14doras" - persuaded myself. The office was closed, and I decided that I'll come back later.
Next in line was the optometrist. Here, then certainly no one in my ass will not climb. I was right, and quickly checking vision, went to the endocrinologist.
Hefty aunt asked a couple of questions, got up behind me, grabbed by powerful fingers neck and squeezed. My eyes bulged. I, wheezing, asked:
- What are you doing?
- I check the thyroid gland. Nothing you have not, - she let go of his neck, and I coughed. Why do they always attack from behind? They know that if the survey will start in the front, it can get in your face?
ECG made without incident, although tensed slightly when young doktoritsa wore rubber gloves. But until my ass she did not care. I realized now that these gloves will be the end of life associated with the surgeon's finger.
In the study of ultrasound I had to check the kidneys. The doctor, with a large bald head, told me to lie down on the couch, turn their backs on him and just lowered his pants. I was a bit panicked.
And when I saw him, a gloved hand (!) Keeps some crap phallic, and it smears gel (!!!), I was really scared.
- I do not have hemorrhoids, - I muttered, lying on the couch.
- Well, well - the man grunted and started to drive back pieces that smeared with gel. Before the end of the inspection, I could not relax.
It remained to pass a neurologist, urologist and tenth office.
For quite overwrought, I went to a neurologist. Pleasant woman pointed me to a chair, tapped her knees with a rubber hammer and told that I would have reached out and touched the tip of the nose.
I was surprised, but his hands stretched out.
- Using both hands to touch the nose? - Said just in case I.
- First one and then the other, - she said.
- Well, - I nodded, and pulled his hand toward her.
- Prior to his nose - she corrected, looking seriously at me.
- Excuse me, - I mumbled - it was a bad joke.
To the urologist to go no longer wanted.
I reached the tenth cabinet. On the door of the office was nothing written.
- Can? - I stuck my head door.
- On the medical examination? - Busily I asked an elderly woman.
- Come on. Take pants.
"Probably, the urologist," - I thought, again, pulling his pants.
- Turn around - just busily she suggested.
She wordlessly turned his back to me, and push back, so I bent down. - Do you have asthma? - She asked suddenly.
I silently pyalil eye wall, wondering how it is possible in this way to determine the presence of asthma.
- Yes - I said, Looking forward to, whether it is to see such a way that I have heart problems.
There was a click stretched gloves, and I felt her finger where once visited the surgeon's finger.
- That you have already checked for hemorrhoids? - She asked.
I turned my head and saw her eyes looking over my ass, and nodded. - Well, then you come here? - She muttered, pulling the glove - Walk, head of fools only. Get dressed.
While dressing, I thought about saying "once" to me is no longer applicable.
- Tell me - I asked timidly - and how you were able to determine that I have asthma?
Is ... - I hesitated a little - except for the anus is possible to determine the presence of asthma?
- I watched your card. Go to the urologist - as% @ minutes, she sent me.
And you know what I tell you? I love urologists. Because the urologist in the office with me, not even removed his pants! Just ask a few questions and was sent to the world.
All the way home, I was humming a little song to himself, Mumiy Troll "Carnival will not be a carnival there." Only instead of the word "carnival", fell hard on the tongue the word "hemorrhoids."