The first part here
Thanks to readers who defeated the first part of my opus. I am sorry, but that's the second appeared in time.
Summary of the first part:
Author first time in my life to go abroad. And not somewhere, and on solid international conference. I am ashamed of it
The first part ended with a record of 25 June 2000. in my diary which I kept at the time of travel.
June 27, 2000. Crown Plaza Hotel.
In the morning I could not remember who I am and where I am. And why me for something terribly ashamed. While I was still asleep, built at the feet of the autopilot led me to some deserted conference hall at the hotel, where he was only a dull bespectacled lecturer, and slept at the table, his head on a stack of papers, bluish black, frantically cuddle in his sleep two liter a bottle of water. I vaguely shook his head lecturer, drank four cups of water, suddenly became drunk and started to come back to my memory ...
And it all began, as always, very good: the organizers of the event we have organized a kind of "corporate": taken all conference brethren in Wales (in Wales?) To see the Welsh landscape, but also to eat Welsh delicacies.
Group chinnyh and decency, obryazhennyh costumes (SRS), and almost in a ball gown (ladies) have been transported to Wales, and unloaded in some eminent Welsh edalni-drinking establishment (and the entire memory to me is not enough to remember what it was called ).
It was cool! Inside was the situation like in the ancient castle, we sat at long wooden tables, drinking from wooden and silver cups, and eating old food - huge chunks of roasted meat, and the fork in the institution squeezed, and we had to use only knives, sharpened on both parties. Around us, a very kind pampushechnogo Welsh girls in national costumes sang, sang songs, danced, and even dancing. Well, just pure Valhalla!
And then the chain transmits the information that is in the lobby some absolutely wonderful and necessary thing mentally. The correct definition! In fact it turned out to be an alcoholic a bar with an unlimited selection of free drinks! And off we go. Gentlemen and ladies vying Gulden became fueled by alcohol. I clung to the general manager of the Liverpool Cotton Association Kai, with the intention to accompany me valuable advice in the thorny path taster of different varieties of British whiskey. Kai said it is important to me that for three years he does not drink, but on the occasion of today's event will allow myself ryumashku another. On the sixth glass of Kai completely lost count, and began to chase the bartender for the new portions, showing absolutely fantastic knowledge and names of varieties of whiskey. Events occurring after the twentieth glasses, remembered vaguely. I remember that Kai is not a joke amused, while his nose was extended to two, and flushed three times ... I remember standing with Kai embracing, stumbled and painfully picking up translation of the words "taster whiskey" (picked - «whiskey tester "). ABOUT! And then Nick (an Englishman. Big and noisy) organized a public entertainment play in the national vypivoshnuyu game: Strange, I must say the game. We stood in a circle and took turns to do here is act: to pour yourself into a teaspoon of whiskey, and then vnyuhivat it through the nostril. Then you blush terribly fills his bulging eyes with tears, blows bubbles soplivochno-Viskov, sneezes, coughs, puffing. Everything at this time lying on the floor laughing. The Game is not clear, there is no winners. Yesterday I thought it was the funniest game ever :)
By midnight, instead of the SRS and the ladies on the bus located unbridled amusement noisy group of drunk people. Alcohol does not distinguish people by nationality, and has the same effect on all - once in the body, it is:
1) makes a person drunk
2) fills him with an irresistible desire to sing.
By the execution thereof, paragraph 2, we immediately started. Such creative diversity I've never seen. There were French romances, and Chinese folk song, and play the bagpipes without the bagpipes. Black representative from Uganda sing African folk song, accompanying himself on it, tame, played by a bald head sleeping next to the Swede. I think I understood all. That's exactly ugandets sang something about Agassuvi who have eaten the hearts of their ancestors, after which Mulungu turned them into a lion's tail.
Then carousing audience demanded Russian folk songs - well, I though, nothing that you sang in the choir for two months and fifteen years - in the bathroom? In general, I scored in the chest a couple of cubic meters of air, and sang "Moscow Nights", "Oh, frost, frost," and to a heap "Well you pidmanula Maine." It seems that the general degree of intoxication was dictating the crowd, the art of singing must be assessed solely on the volume of performance - nothing else I can not explain why my hoarse croak blew off a flurry of applause that I even felt sad, why I went on the legal path, while as for me crying big stage. I had to sing an encore. In general, after some time the bus pulled up to the hotel, in full sing "Oh, frost, frost!". Hall was filled with sleeping at multinational noise. Nick immediately for some reason, removed his shoes and socks, rolled up his pants and ran to the reception. There he became active about something to say, and poke a finger in my direction. As it turned out, he told them that he came to Liverpool to tour the famous Russian opera star, which is so pleased that she has decided to give a concert, without delay and completely free of charge. Reception was touched, and allowed. It began to catch up and the outside public. I refused to hold such an outrage in civilian clothes dvadtsatizvezdochnom hotel. Had I pougovarivat - and in a moment I'm totally lost the remnants of shyness, and seems to have become a citizen of the Congo to scream, so he brought me my suitcase with costumes, and makeup. Well there and the acoustics in the hall of the hotel! While I gave a concert by climbing on a chair, active Nick, meanwhile, walked around the audience, and by the end of the first act brought me a whole plate of money. I immediately poured all the money the hospitality bartender shouting in Russian "all - champagne!". The bartender knew and poured.
After about half an hour we tearfully said goodbye before disperse sleep, swore eternal friendship, and compulsory attendance of all the countries in which they diverged after the conference.
And this fellow something from Uganda, strong turned out - the only one besides me today crawled out of the room early in the morning.
Lecturer let us go to dinner.
I sleep ...
June 29, 2000.
Yesterday I was in the pub some Englishwoman said, «Your English is so stupid!». That fool! In your look!
Actually, yesterday we had a day free of lectures, Misha and I made a trip to London, the one from which e Capital of-Great Britan. Time we were there - seven hours and we rushed in the ass wounded cheetahs, and during that time managed to visit:
- Madame Tussauds
- Sherlock Holmes Museum in Baker Street
- The British Museum
- Tower Hill / Bridge
- Buckingham Palace
- Toilet (2 times)
Talk about these cultural objects do not see the point - and without me this much has been written and ponasnimano.
Exhausted, of course, before losing momentum and conscience. On the train, on the way back, I was again lit up the desire to go there, where the kings go on foot. I found this place in the end of the car, there is humbled his desire, and, of course, desired to wash your hands. Everything was in place, shone and glistened - sink, faucet, soap, towel. For a complete happiness lacked only one thing - to understand how to turn on the water. For five minutes I was not paying attention to the knock on the door of the Englishman clearly overcomes diarrhea, persistently tried to turn the faucet on all sides, pushed all the protruding surface, even pulled a towel - all with zero result. I was starting to get angry. The Englishman at the door already, it seems, he brought a ram, with a view to take water closet storm. I hissed curse, retired, and still came out, met diarrhea obsessed Briton, who gave me a crazy look and rushed to the bathroom. But I already it was a matter of principle! Perhaps the tap is broken? I had to find out! So I met at the door happy facilitated the Englishman, and he fixed his gaze from the waist down. I do not know what he thought about me, but I was interested in his hands. That brazen gleaming water drops! The Englishman edged passed me, and fled to his seat, looking around warily. I returned, and continued research on a fresh mind, I decided to work more constructively. And after spending a heap of researches hanging on the wall of instructions, I did find an indication to search for the desired button on the floor, where she was found! I realized that I was a winner in life!
Upon returning to the room, I saw on the TV screen the message that I have, it is the duty of 39 pounds, and the administration kindly inquired how I will pay (at this point I clearly imagined me ten years chained to the sink with dirty dishes ). I immediately grabbed the heart, but then I remembered how much there is health care, and heart immediately released. I stumbled on a sinusoid at the reception where I was told that yesterday I drank from the minibar at least two pints of whiskey and forfeits. Well for this attack! Rubbish broke my number Lihodey alcoholics and brutally robbed minibar!
Losing the mind from fear, I said it was a misunderstanding. Thank God, and turned. I came a man, checked my mini-bar with a device similar to a minesweeper, and it turned out that in my minibar all stand still, the virgin untouched. Account I canceled, and that night I slept like never easy. Phew.
Damn, these minibars haunts me!
June 30, 2000.
Low, a pancake, a nod to the organizers, components of the program, with regard to yesterday wrote that our departure is required «business attire». Before the trip, I piece h stroked his costume, and choose from a speck of dust. And he shined his shoes so that they may be looking at would be easy to shave. And all this to us honorably escorted on a tour of the modern textile factory where cotton thread do. Huge complex, lots of floors, everywhere, everywhere and proudly soar hover thread fleece and all known and unknown size and species, and having improved tack to the business suit. After several hours of this hotbed of white fluff fell out four dozen very similar to each other, as well as polar bears and snowmen, people swears hurl the one who decided that having a business suit is an essential feature when visiting a textile factory.
And today, we were taken to the ancient weaving factory, now consists of a museum in a large park. Poglazeli fossil looms, and who are in good working order.
And then they gave us an hour just to take a walk in the park.
No, why on earth are we Farik could not walk sedately along the main avenue, at times decently sitting down on benches carved? I do not know the answer to this question. Yes, we have taken with a representative of the sunny country of Kazakhstan.
In general, our adventurous priests gave the team the brain that in turn gave the command to turn off the feet of the central alley, and cross the bridge on a small river that flows in the park. Half an hour we wandered through the maze of paths and trails, until they came to a certain crossroads in the middle of which stood a tree, with carefully nailed a sign that read: "Do not go to the right, this road does not lead anywhere." Well, as they say, that the Englishman "no way", the Russian - highway. Of course, we went to the right. Even laughed as naive Englishmen tried to discourage people to go there, where probably hid the most interesting places in the park. In addition, roughly in that direction to find a way out of the park, where we were to meet before loading the bus.
Twenty minutes later, we found absolutely no laughing matter. The track is first turned into a barely visible path, and then completely disappeared, and we walked up to his waist in the nettles and cobwebs, cursing myself for not having taken a machete, and starting to suspect that in the same plate was a grain of truth. But the worst thing that we are completely disoriented in the field.
We were escorted by a Kazakh whimpered.
Farik strained his phenomenal memory, and sagely said that the cry of a lost "ay" is translated into English as "ya". Without a moment's hesitation, we began yelling "Ya !!! Va-aaaaaa !!!!! »and« Help !!! ».
But only the trees silently listened to our cries ...
Then we decided to determine the direction of the moss on the trees. We found most mossy tree and determined which side he grows moss. More than anything, we have not been able to determine, because no one remembered what it means.
And time is running out, and five minutes later we were come to the place of assembly.
After a short meeting, we, nor are based, choose the direction and walked there, and ... a miracle! .. Five minutes later we were as recently as 50 meters from our group!
That alone is bad luck. We were separated from the team is the same river, and no bridges in the line of sight was not observed. However, even if there was - the river bank, overgrown with trees and bushes, to walk along it completely possessed.
Our feelings are hard to describe. Salvation seemed so close and so far at the same time. With all the love for traveling over rough terrain, we were completely unprepared to cross the water obstacle swim.
- Shit! As you were there ?! - I shouted to us from the other side surprised the team.
- It's a long story! Not turned out there! - We yelled back, for some reason, waving his arms.
- You assholes or something ?! We've gotta go! - Yelled the opposite shore.
- Jackass, yes! - We agreed in unison. - Please do not leave !!!
- How many you here ?!
- Very, very fast! Fifty minutes later, no more! Unless, of course, we will find the way!
Imagine, in which good spirits enraged for evermore sokonferensniki met us when we after a long journey and hardships finally managed to reach the location of the bus?
And we what? We are not guilty! It's the British, with their stupid signs!
July 1, 2000.
Today we had a farewell dinner given by the President of LCA.
On May bastard ...
On May bastard ...
Dinner was given to the museum ship was terribly formal and boundless secular, with all sorts of professors, the elite of the British aristocracy and other sero-peers whose names did not herald shouted. Seating names, glazed army of waiters, etc.
I zarobel and frantically began to remember that I know the rules of etiquette. What a pity that the school we only had the subject "Ethics and aesthetics of family life." I decided that in extreme cases will act according to the rules, unlearned me during the lessons.
On each table were plates with the names of guests - had to find their own and sit there. My neighbor turned out to be the right light independent expert organizations Piter Wakefield (Head of the same company), the owner of factories, newspapers, steamers, overgrown regalia at the very top. Mentally repeating to himself "fork in the left, knife on the right," I carefully sat down in his chair, trying to keep the angle of 5, 5 degrees between his back and the back of the chair, and 44, 23 cm distance between the elbows. And here I was almost paralyzed with terror ... On each side of the plate, standing in front of me lay a dozen knives and forks. I slowly began to be covered with cold sweat, for how to use so many devices - I have no idea. I do not want the "village" look! Piter, probably, 3-year course of good manners finished! Soon, the waiter brought a dish. It is incomprehensible piece of food consistency, painted in the colors of the Irish flag. Then I realize that, unfortunately, I'm hungry like the wolf. So hungry that he was ready to eat pudding with strange dish. I put up a last effort, and I think: Let's see what others charge devices, the same take. Well, how. Ladies and Gentlemen, are high-society conversation, to not touch food. Five minutes, ten ... I have sore cheeks from smiling, and have discussed the weather outside, and all the surrounding states. I almost died of hunger. Restrained only by the presence of aristocratic Pitera. On other tables in full drink, eat, laugh. Bastards. Carefully mow the eye - no form of forks and knives on the length of this distance is indistinguishable. Talking about the weather thrown in the neighboring continent. And then I decided! Mentally yelled "Fuck it all !!!" - he grabbed the first available plug and a second comer knife and pounced on the food! Then it all at my table grabbed SAME devices that me and attacked their plates! A grand Piter since almost all hands began to poke pieces of food into his mouth!