Examining aspects of identity formation, psychologists have come to a common opinion that very few people are capable of so much pokorezhit the psyche of a child as his parents. And these injuries man heals the rest of my life, often to no avail. Today will tell about the tragedies of the daughters, which were assigned the role of parents.
Psychological exploitation of the mother and daughterAny emerging personality needs support and support.
This is the meaning of the relations "mother-daughter". The girl needs to see an example of a woman who is the most important person in her life, to feel approval, to understand that in any situation it is ready to listen, support and understand.
This is an ideal situation that is complicated by the fact that daughters are absolutely dependent on emotional, mental, physical support for mothers. In some cases, the natural course of growing up is disrupted by the mother's desire to solve their psychological problems due to this addiction.
It so happens that mothers anticipate that daughters will listen to their fears, to solve problems, to comfort and to care, to act as intermediary, then there is a substitution of concepts, stream the daughter of the functions of the mother. In fact, the child is responsible for the well-being of adult daughter assumes the responsibilities of the therapist, girlfriends, and even replaces the partner.
The girl has no choice as to either accept the rules of the game, or to try to rebel, but because the survival of the child is completely dependent on the parent, it is under force is not for everyone. Therefore, traditionally, the daughter's behavior varies in the following schemes:
- to be the perfect little girl, in the expectation that the mother will appreciate it and will finally show they care
- become stronger and begin to solve the mother's problems, in the hope of praise and love
- try to understand mother's needs and fully satisfy them, hoping that after that we can start living your life
Unfortunately, no matter how hard the daughter is "embedded" in the situation, it will not solve the problem of the mother, did not heal her injury, but for the younger girls such operation was not in vain. Usual pattern of behavior with the mother is projected onto other aspects of life – work, relationships with friends, partner, transforming reality into a vicious circle of pain and uncertaintyCauses and consequences of the substitution of conceptsIn what the reason of the substitution of mothers, the concept of motherhood?
This is largely a consequence of the Patriarchy of our society. A woman is often birth is in the lowered position, and when in possession is totally dependent on her merits, can not resist and not to use the opportunity to assert themselves, to gain recognition and love. It lasts from generation to generation. Mothers unconsciously transmit the daughters of my weakness and inability to resist the blows of fate, gradually summing up to the idea that the needs of the child are too high and the strength of the parents.
As a result, daughters are ashamed of the very fact of its existence
, is so complicated the life of a mom, embrace the idea of the necessity of abandoning their own needs and even the possibility of becoming as a person. The girls think that they are too large and take up so much space that constrain parents that they may hurt the mother that the only way to stay small and fragile, without their own opinion and their own lives.Putting his life on the altar of maternal injuries, girls do not understand the point:
the mother disapproves of her daughter like a person, only as a function of employee satisfaction. Any attempt to abandon the role of "knight" threatens daughter's aggression on the mother's side.
Growing up, the girl begins to understand how easy it is to bring the mother out of balance and because of this, hides his personal life, as any attempt to separate, to find their own interests makes it in the eyes of a mother's worst enemy. The reason – the mother is the daughter's behavior with the behavior of your own mother
, who at the time rejected it and not to feel again the pain of rejection, ready to be rude, including physical, in the treatment of her daughter.While mother did not want to recognize the exploitation of daughters,
Yes simply stealing their childhood. Often resort to arguments like "My fault no!" "You're just ungrateful!", "How can you blame the owl mother, the best years I gave you!" etc. They want to force the daughters to keep quiet about their pain because to admit the problem is too painful for them. But the one who has power can do not only good, but also evil, and whatever the motives of his conduct may be called mothers, they are still responsible for the harm caused to the children.Ways to overcome injuries
And still 99% of the daughters who find themselves deprived of their childhood because of the exploitation of mothers, sooner or later understand that the situation is abnormal and should change something
. From friends can be heard advice: be strong, and start to live your life. In some ways they are right, but in this case, the manifestation of power must begin with ourselves. Necessary to force yourself to see the role of mother to psychological trauma. While we refuse to see the guilt of the mothers in our suffering, we continue to feed their sense of shame, inferiority and self-abasement.
Hiding behind the feeling of shame is easier than to face the truth, shame acts as a protection from pain that will follow understanding of what mom, the most expensive and important thing in the world, we have quite simply used. To be a victim is not an option, it doesn't heal neither our problem nor the problem of the mother. With his injured mom needs to understand herself, is her responsibility and no one elses.
Need to find the strength to give the mothers what they passed on to the daughters, leaving children choice and not asking their opinion. Only after full awareness of the problem, understanding its impact on your life, will be possible to undertake for its decision.
It is worth noting that often daughter trying to cross the level of awareness and go directly to mercy and forgiveness, and wallow in this. Do not get to leave the problem in the past, if you do not understand what leave. And the essence, in actual fact, is this:
And so in the end we have the following problem:
- a mother's love is the main factor necessary for survival of the child, therefore, the absolute loyalty to the mother, no matter what she did, instilled in children at genetic level
- society imposes on women, and therefore girls, the responsibility to care for others, often to the detriment of its own interests
- cultural taboos impose on the children the duty to honor their parents, in addition, deified the image of the mother is in almost every religion, so children's revolts are doomed to censure by public opinion
- such a thing as "women's solidarity" — the daughters and mothers of the same sex, and therefore, by default, must experience similar emotions to have common interests, to be "on one side"
- difficult to see in adults, and especially mothers, sacrifice rooted complexes
girl who from childhood had to play the role of the adult in the relationship with the mother was forced to suppress myself (I loved, until I'm small), which developed a subconscious Association of maternal love with self-abasement. With age as much as anything aloud to declare his desire to build a career, family, success, love, respect, but the subconscious will relentlessly throw children's fears, when to be big and natural meant losing the support of his mother, to be rejected by her.
For the subconscious of the child rejecting mother definitely means death, and self-sabotage (stay small) – survival. Therefore, to let go of your guilt and shame then to let his mother be left unprotected, unloved, in fact to love yourself daughters never taught.published
Author: Maria Kudryavtseva
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©