Why am I so bad, although everything seems to be fine Bashny.Net

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One of the not-so-rare client requests for a session with a psychologist may sound like this: "Like, all right, but something really really bad". Is this wording completely Dostoevski but mysterious Russian soul is nothing to do with it.
The issue is THAT people are accustomed to thinking for themselves "normal", as it generally determines the criteria of "norm" and how does it influence the rest of his daily life.

But we do understand that some things in our lives – "normal"? Explain with an example from my own life. I in early childhood (under 6 years) went to kindergarten. Ordinary farmyard kindergarten in a residential area. Place it to was very difficult, and caregivers, as I understand it, is also not enough. Those who worked in it – had used a very strange educational measures. For example, were forced to finish everything on the plate, regardless of whether you want it there or not. And who has not eaten or dug over the serving (like me, for example), those intensified: they simply threw out the second dish half-eaten first. Got to put on the table with the wording: "Eat now, while all will not eat you sit"

Still before my eyes is the picture in almost full plate of soup that I choke for half an hour, flops cheese casserole. And sails, slicing through the soup, like a small battleship. And I, a little girl who believes an adult, I look at this and realize with horror that all, now I'm going to sit on this mess until then, until that evening I will not be taken by the parents. Because there is this stuff I'm just not physically able – you will be sick. On it and look disgusting. But adults aunties-teacher promised that will not let go until I eat. And I never will. So for me to sit here forever.

Well, in the end of the table at the time, I released before my mom came (will not be the same educator, in fact, one for me to change the order of the day – games, walks, etc.), but sitting at the table, I didn't know and truly believed that Yes, this now is my destiny to sit in front of the hated grushevom and desperately yearn and suffer.

Then, many years later, when I've been out of the garden (graduated from high school and University), I told my mom about the pedagogical methods of our vospital. Not to complain – and so, the way I had. Mother was horrified: "What a nightmare they did! And what do I do then?". Such treatment of daughter my mother would not endure – would come personally and smashed this stupid garden brick by brick. I answered no less stunned and said what first came to mind: "I didn't know that there is something wrong. I thought that it should be..." .

I think this is my answer – the key to many problems that come to therapy clients. THE TREATMENT TO WHICH PEOPLE ARE ACCUSTOMED TO – IS THE ONLY ONE POSSIBLE AND EVEN NORMAL.

Accustomed to the fact that the Pope every Friday comes completely drunk, pukes on the stairs and lays to rest across communal hallway – well, so be it, what's so surprising? Dad's tired.
Or – get used to it, your daughter or son that no one in the family voices will not increase, and the grandmother's raising eyebrows is a sign of something terrible, frightening, tremble before the adults, so this is for the cell of society is the norm. Grandma will be unhappy, it hurts! Is that not frightening?

If the family beat children – it is also for the little man RULE. We have so decided. Then so be it. So, I deserved it. Other parents didn't beat? Well, maybe not for what it was. And he beat me – then I deserve. Times beat.

Moreover, the case that a child gets, he thinks is right and normal in relation to yourself. If the mother informed the child that "if I hadn't given birth – would leave this fucking country and live as people" – it is clear, it's my fault, and the country is a fucking fact; the mother said. Thought: "mom got excited and she really loves me and I for her – the most expensive in the world" five years in the child's head to come can not. Beats – I'm a bad; did something bad; well, it's what I deserve.

Scolds and chases mom: "I don't need a live one" – so it wants to throw (and not what "applies the teaching method for greater accountability"). The environment in which the child lives is for him not just a model of the world; this is the coordinate system and the idea of normal, of what he deserves.

Small children are generally difficult to distinguish reality from exaggeration or fiction. That is why children believe in fairy tales, Santa Claus and a do'er. And that mom really "give someone else the guy if I behave badly", well, or "I don't need you now live alone." The child can't compare, it only collects information about the world. Believe in what parents say (and do).

All this is happening because the concept of norms is laid down the child at an early age, even before school. And to change it – extremely difficult.

When a child comes into the world, one of its key objectives – to become a member of a society. A very small baby, two or three-year, actively develops language and learns it, even the most complex languages, with a difficult pronunciation or such, where different pitch or inflection gives the word a different meaning. Little man motivated me a lot to understand what is happening in the world around, and wants to integrate into the world and become part of it in order to survive. Man-cub is quite a long time in need of care adult members of the community, therefore, the assimilation of norms, rules, attitudes of society – in the truest sense, a question of survival for the child. And from this point of view, to integrate into the community as "the last in the hierarchy", driven and shpynyat – more secure than to be actually ejected from the group. So the rules for the treatment of a young child will absorb almost ANY. Will be beaten daily, Yes, so be it, just do not drive. Will criticize and call, ineffective, inept, klutz and clumsy – accept and believe it; but do not chase, only to swear? Then again, the worst was avoided; though not very fun, but you will survive!

And it's not a joke – about "kick from group". The fact that humanity as a species lived a long life, with Millennium from it took place in relatively small groups, tribal communities, to be expelled which could be quite feasible for some misconduct, or perhaps the carrier of a deadly disease that could infect people. A lonely existence in a not always friendly with nature almost always meant for a child hungry and cold death. So the "voice of the ancestors" quietly whispers to the child: "anything, anything, just to stay a member of their own kind; REJECTION = DEATH." The rejection of significant people of the community (primarily mother and father) is what the child is by all means tries to avoid. Even taking the blame for everything that happens and gradually learning how he is bad and how bad it can be accessed.

By the way, the fashion nowadays of "social proof" – from the same Opera. Advertisers and marketers convince vengeance: the buyer is inclined to trust the opinions of other people (e.g., giving a high evaluation of the advertised product), and the more these advisors, like the buyer, the more he believes their view. The roots of this belief in "social proof" – the same: one sees: "a community similar to me people think that the subject of the X – survival thing; perhaps it is; perhaps, is to buy it!".
And, you know, to pay for trusting the wrong people just money and buying unnecessary things – not the worst. But when the child is paying the only what is self-esteem, formation of personality and character, self – image is much, much more.

And in the work of psychologist big, big part of the job is not just to listen to the client and help him to create new boundaries, that is, the installation: "can't come with me". SO. WITH. ME. IMPOSSIBLE.

To beat me is impossible. Swear swear. Call a whore and tear my things. Throw at me with a knife, a belt, a stick, a rubber tourniquet, the leg of a chair. Break my arms, legs, ribs – also impossible. Take away and burn my toys. To euthanize my animals and not to confess it ("Fluffy ran away, I guess"). To humiliate and ridicule me in front of relatives, friends, acquaintances, my classmates. Hide important things about me and the near-impossible (for example, not to tell the year that my grandmother died). To deprive me of food is impossible. To deny me care when I'm sick or weak – can not.

And much more impossible. All of the above – not my idea, and at different times told me the sessions clients; they all these things were once done by the parents (mom, dad, grandmother). And believe me, I sometimes experienced a rather frightening feeling when, for example, the person expressed doubt that his family were "nice, friendly, loving", just as the Pope regularly severely beat children, and my mother diligently pretended, that notice nothing. Because the client was sincerely surprised: what's wrong with that? Well, bill, well, humiliated. But normal W family was! Everything else was well good!

It's not normal, I tell decisively. From a socio-psychological point of view, any setup can be called "rules", but some of the norms that are regularly practiced against the weakest – the wild (in the modern view) and it should not be tolerated.

That's what I want to point out in the end. What happened – has not changed. The childhood that you had – it has already happened. As stated in a psychological the saying: "If you have a child didn't have a bike, and now you've grown up and bought a Bentley, then you have the childhood never had a bike". So, "bike" many of us (me too, by the way) – was not. And the attitude like: "I'm not worthy is not what bike, but a single Bicycle wheel" — it left many. And a man walks through life with such a "betuloides" installation, and "don't buy a bike" – do not believe that you are worthy of love, happiness, respect, success. And sincerely feels that everything seems to be normal, but it is very me as something bad.

Bike to buy a small – it is impossible. To abolish abuse and childish insults will not succeed. You can help yourself current and to help you become happier. That is, to change the perception of "norm" and "normal" in relation to itself. I won't lie, it's a long, difficult and not always pleasant in the process.
But it can work.

 

Author: Elizabeth Pavlova

Source: psyholog-in-web.ru/2014/09/01/pochemu-mne-tak-xrenovo/