Empathy, and what it Bashny.Net

Friend! Don't blame me for that one
Opinion, business and dull.
So vkladyvayasj in SIP:
Deep — down feelings!

 

For me it was a revelation to learn from the book by Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman “Think slow, decide quickly” (by the way, what kind of nasty advertising translation, the original book is called “fast and slow thinking”) thatis part of the brain, which are born of our senses, has no connection with that part of the brain that produces speech. In other words, feelings (unlike thoughts), born dumb. This is the root of art, to convey the sense of – you need to find an image that invokes the same feelings. Images are the language of feelings.





And here's what happens: along with all sorts of clever ideas, this orderly and transparent river facts, constructions, logic, and we constantly flowing dark and silent river of feeling. The ability to Express them – it is always acquired skill. Tools that Express them – it is always acquired instruments.

When Tsvetaeva writes, “to whatnots in a breath” – we intuitively understand that she wants to say, although the words “vkladyvatsya” does not exist in the dictionary. It is the language of art, language, help us to speak the language of feelings.

Empathy brogden in humans, a lack of empathy is considered a mental disorder, such people are usually unable to distinguish their own feelings.The more we are able to understand their feelings, the more we can understand the feelings of others. It is one and the same ability in different directions.

 

So the fabric obrabatyval, weaver
Weaves his last propag.
So kids, placewas to mourning,
Satyvaldy in a whisper.

 

When we communicate with a child through empathy, we help them with tools. From us he learns that this feeling is the rage and this anger and this hurt. When I read children Deniskin stories, they looked at my face and asked, “mom, why are you crying?”. With sincere curiosity and interest of a man opening a strange phenomenon. Those words, from which I took the neck, and shed tears did not arouse such feelings. They studied my face, as biased researchers. And then they became 7 years and lips were trembling, and tears were in their eyes. They have grown to a complexity of feelings, and unable to understand.

– I don't like it when Daniel is crying, ' says Tessa.

Because loud?

Because I also want to cry.

 

Empathy is not a quick and easy skill, it involves awareness of feelings and the ability to separate their feelings from the other person's feelings.

Small children can not and should not be able to do that. At an early age they identifitseerida with feelings (notice how they almost mechanically repeat laughter or crying wherever they can be not very funny and not very sad?) and learn, repeating our methods. When we say the three-year plan, “go pity the mother”, and it fits and “feels sorry” – he does not regret. He repeats what follows a team of “regret”. It is necessary to approach, to hug, to pet, to say “you're the best mommy I sharpen lublu”.He's got the tools, but no empathy. It will ripen much later, and she's not Mature of these tools, but of understanding his own feelings. And it, in turn, is born out of empathy of the parent. From his words “you are hurt”, “you now hate my brother”, “you are so mad and feel guilty”.

 

So pleasewait... (Great
God — therefore cool!)
So kids, krikelas to cry,
Valcavasia in tihost.

 

So this is a natural development, first, the management tools, then, gradually, through understanding themselves, through the branch of their feelings from others that comes with this understanding gradually leads to awareness of feelings and ability to exhibit empathy.





 

 

But this natural progression can be stopped

First, under tools: to prohibit the expression of feelings. To prohibit, under threat of depriving of love, the most valuable for a child. “Don't you dare to talk about my brother”, “stop crying, you're like a little, shame on you.” Since society does not encourage public tantrums adults, there dwells a fear akin to the fear of “the Institute will go in diapers”, “going up to 20 years with a spoon to feed.” I can declare with all responsibility – children learn what is acceptable and what is not, just as easily as no longer to inform the world that they poop, or run around without panties. They are not great fools to read neverball others, so give them credit.

Further, at the stage of realization of their feelings. “You know you love grandma”, “don't you dare say you love your brother”. Since feelings cannot be changed nor an effort, nor the order of the mother, the children just building a very confused picture in which the feelings that we all experience hate, for some reason called love. And then grow up in the “sublimage” abuser. How, why, in what grade of school she learned that this feeling of fear of loss and dependence is called love? This.

And the most important and frequently – at the stage of separation of feelings from yourself. In fact, this stage may not happen if the parents themselves believe that their feelings are they. “Shame on you, what kind of person you are, so to speak!”, here are all the “you're greedy”, “you're insensitive and evil.” To understand and accept the concept that it is possible to test any feelings, and that doesn't mean we're terrible and guilty – it is not easy even for adults, to say nothing about children. Emotional maturity can't happen if we feel ugly when we have feelings that belong to the ugly. In fact, the ability to separate your feelings from yourself is an indicator of emotional maturity. And to me she only came closer to 40, and very gradually.

If we are unable to separate your feelings from yourself, then naturally there are all sorts of words like “indulgence”, “pampering”.If I'm what I feel, I become unworthy creature with enviable regularity. But if I know that it is only feelings, dark river inside that it doesn't change me, my goals, values and decisions, then I have an opportunity to think – and what am I, in fact, a good man, hate your child? And as soon as I was able to think in such a plane – I already separated. Feelings ceased to be the only reality, they have become a symptom of something. I had a moment on this here thinking “mamachki my, yeah that's it, and I feel that way? chegoyto?”. The moment in which is born responsibility. The option to choose the answer. An opportunity not to roar “you're a freak ruined my life”, and to get out and get some. And to think.





The capacity to understand the ambivalent feelings occurs in children to 9 years. And if hold and not to stigmatize the feelings of a child of our own fear of the terrible feelings, for which you should feel guilty, your child will surprise you.

It turns out that it is not necessary to impute to him the guilt for educational purposes.

It turns out that he understood everything and so.

 

So a sting touched blood
Complains — no poisons!
So valyayutsya in love:
Vagivalda in: fall.

 

Poems © Marina Tsvetaeva.

 

Author: Olga Nechaeva

 

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: www.womanfrommars.com/thinking-mommy-notes/empathy/