How to leave without making mistakes Bashny.Net

 

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It is always difficult to leave my job, end the relationship or move to another city in search of a better life. Especially if in General things are going well and, objectively, it would be possible to do without changes. However, trying from someone or something to leave, we make mistakes, the train which reaches us, making it difficult to live a full, happy life. Painlessly survive the changes not so difficult if you follow some recommendations.

Take the final decision

Even if the departure is voluntary, this does not mean that he will easily. Ph. D. Elena Vinogradov explains why the path to the new so thorny: “Giving preference to one thing, we inevitably abandon another, or otherwise eliminate one of the options. Simply put – happy purchasing and mourn the loss at the same time. This is the price that you must pay for the opportunity to go in search of happiness and harmony.” It is often this sense of loss prevents us to make a final decision and to meet new.

Adds indecision and fear of leaving the comfort zone: “I feel bad, but to leave all the same not can – who knows, maybe it gets worse?” Counselor Elena Grishina explains the delay in the decision-making inherent in us from birth craving for stability and the desire to make order out of chaos: “If we observe young children, you can notice that they are all conservatives. The constancy of the external world necessary for them before a certain time to form a sense of self. If a person be deficient in stability, he will try to compensate later in life”.

To compose myself, it's important to lead your thoughts to a certain balance, to find sufficient grounds for change. “The most adequate position to go from something and to something – explains Elena Grishina. For example, poor relations, not loneliness, but to domestic peace and tranquility”. So, after weighing all the “pros” and “cons”, you're reducing to a minimum the risk to change “sewed on soap”.

Say goodbye to the past

Often we seek as soon as possible to say goodbye to the boring reality, for whatever reason, has ceased to please us. I want to forget it as bad dream, to Wake up faster and start living a new. Elena Vinogradova explains such haste work of protective mechanisms of the psyche: “it is difficult for Us to accept pain, hurt and loss, so preferred to pretend nothing special and the more important happening. And thus depreciate their own experience, and ignore important feelings.”

Farewell with the past – an important life stage. However, if the fractures, for example, of the limbs, we are always treated with exaggerated attention, then to a tipping point in their own destiny – with inexplicable indifference. “Dismissal, separation with a man is always the loss that we all go through four stages: denial, aggression, depression, acceptance – says Gestalt-therapeutical Kondrakova. – However, depending on the situation, these feelings can vary in intensity”. Agrees with her therapist Sergey Gudkov: “the Transition to a new not happen without ending the old one. But even the small end represents the physical death and the finitude of being. And it's scary that so few people like the experience of care”.

However, not to say goodbye – so to spend energy on “emotional tails” that can impact on new beginnings. To let go of the past, remember the good, even if it was very little and find an opportunity to speak about their feelings. Natalia Kondrakova proposes to use the following phrase: “In this position I learned a lot”, “I Remember we fun with you to go on a vacation”. This will be enough to warm an emotionally difficult moment of farewell, and also to start the mechanism of their experiences.

Get over the loss

Pain, sorrow and sadness – a constant fee for the transition to a new. “Those who do not want to deal with these difficult feelings, sometimes wear them for many years”, – says Sergey Gudkov. Fortunately, there are several ways to Express feelings and to calm down.

Start to say thank you to those who were leaving: “because of thy rigour I better know himself,” “Thank you for all the good that was in our relations.” So you give a man to understand itself and focus on the fact that the time you spend together, not passed in vain.

Sometimes the experience of loss may be compounded by the guilt. According to Elena Vinogradova, it is important to understand that fair or false. For example, if you are taking the final decision to leave, tell partner something like “let's wait a little apart”, seeing it as an alternate airfield – may suffer from feelings of guilt. And it's just because you cheated the man, hiding the true intentions. If not telling the truth, because I doubt – “do it without me?” – this is false guilt based on a sense of codependency. In both cases, it is important to raise the point and to clearly define its position, not to leave the person to suffer from uncertainty.

When saps blame for past mistakes, it is best to apologize. Natalia Kondrakova recommends to choose the appropriate moment and say: “I Admit that was wrong”, “I made a mistake in the project, I'm sorry, I failed then.” “Be sincere, speak from the heart, but not indulge in explanations, excuses, arguments, recommends that the Gestalt therapist. – Your task is to put an end to the relationship, to fully experience the associated feelings and move on. If the person is hard to accept your frankness, shake his hand, touch his shoulder. You can cry, but in a different place, not necessarily in his presence.” You might want to Express don't hold back. Stop better Express these emotions to friends or your therapist. Before leaving, it is important to feel right ever again to open the door to these relationships and not burn bridges. So it will be easier to recover and start a new life.

Adapt to the new

At the moment when they finally get the thing to strive for, a feeling of euphoria. New experiences, places, people, reality perceived as if through rose-colored glasses. “This state can be called the period of “honeymoon”, – says Elena Grishina. – You're not worried, everything looks perfect. However, it is important to understand that this stage is temporary, and soon after it will come the difficult period of adaptation.” According to psychologist, in the changed circumstances (at the new place of residence, in other respects, or on the welcome post) there are many unusual, which may tire and annoy. Will have to get used to absolutely everything – from the route to the new office to life. And, most difficult to adapt to a different social circle. It is likely, will doubt: “Why am I even doing this?” want to take a step back. This “culture shock” – the inevitable period that you want to go through it. To trust yourself to believe that energy and resources will be enough. Well at this point to recall why you came to this?

Elena Grishina encourage you to find a person who has suffered such changes, with whom you can share your difficulties. By the way, it could be someone from the new environment: so spark up new connections and quickly understand what's going on around you, what traditions and rituals should adhere to and how to act is not desirable. “The sooner we can learn the new rules, the sooner depart panic, appear confident, – says the psychologist. – By the way, a good way to keep a diary-reflection, to learn the difference between objective facts and your personal interpretation, not attributed to the personal account of the deeds and actions of other people.” In addition, it will help to get rid of negative, disturbing thoughts, to be more open in communication.

“Our life is full of change, the rise is followed by decline – and that's fine” – sums up Elena Grishina.

And Sergey Gudkov adds: “Therefore it is necessary to move forward, but it is understood that this stage ever ends.”

The author — Yulia Arbatskaya

Used reviews and recommendations

psychologist Elena Grishina

Recommended books on the subject:

Heinz Hartmann, “Ego psychology and the problem of adaptation”

The author, a follower of the ideas of psychoanalysis, reveals the notion of adaptation is much broader than just a “way to adapt to change.” He talks about the methods of mastering reality, which will help you to work efficiently and enjoy life.

Sigmund Freud “the Sorrow and melancholy”

The work of the “father of psychology”, which explains how unpleasant emotions can help to survive the loss of, loss of, as well as how to release psychic energy and direct it to build a new life.

Clarissa Estes “Running with wolves”

A collection of short stories based on mifologiia and Jungian analysis at first glance may seem superficial. However, thanks to him you can learn to heal from psychological trauma, the right to leave and get to know yourself better.

Grishina Elena

Source: www.b17.ru/article/21324/