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Why women love losers
Bashny.Net
Every six months it out". "He often drunk". "His brilliant business plan did not manage to realize... many of these "unlucky" men are loyal friends. Why the weakness attractive?
As he is talented! exclaims my girlfriend, 40-year-old Rita. Six months I watch as she revels in her new love: he's 35, his name is Victor. They met when he offered to give her some advice about the interior, but so in the interior and left. He first had an apartment on Ostozhenka, but he sold it to pay off debts. "He showed me a photo of the situation, he's got impeccable taste!"the Rita. It all represents him as a designer: "He needs just a little help to unwind". I have a bad feeling. I'm afraid one day Victor will disappear, leaving Rita debts and a broken heart. About so disappeared her previous lover, unrecognized artist. He Rita also helped to spin. I remind her, she thinks: "Yes, there is something in common...."But then shrugs: "It was a mistake, and now I feel is real."Forty five million one hundred two thousand eight hundred ninety one
I think I have read about women who repeatedly choose men with problems and struggling to help them, often in vain. For clarification refer to the psychoanalytic psychotherapist Elena Ratner. "Sometimes behave so men — she says, — but desire to develop the life of his chosen really often peculiar to women. It can take extreme forms: the desire to heal, rescue, sometimes sacrificing their own interests". Perhaps this is dangerous — I guess. "Do not panic, says the therapist,' but if a woman notices that relationships cause pain and again with different men, then it really is time to think".
And I think. Not only about Rita — I think of my own story. I also once met such a person... and even married him. I wanted to save him
"This kind of meeting is not accidental, the woman chooses the partner. It does not seek to heal every man from any adversity. Trying to help others, she unconsciously tries to resolve its own problem." Someone attracted to those men who in childhood was abandoned and alone, others are attracted to mental instability. A woman tries to save the partner from harm, which affected her personally. Helping him cope with the trauma, she wants to overcome her. Similar pain in the past each generates a sense of intimacy, from which grows the love... or something that is easy for her to accept.
I was 25 when I met Nikita. We often found ourselves in some company where we laughed a lot and drank. Bright and witty, he attracted me.
I dreamed about the date. And was overjoyed when my dreams began to come true. It became clear, however, that together we, too, drink all the time. Soon I stopped trying to keep up with him. But he alone "persuade" two or three bottles of wine for the evening. The reserved attitude of my parents to Nikita I need, even spurred my desire to associate with him his fate forever. "We'll get married, be together, friends and company will depart on the second plan, he will settle down..."— so I imagined. I threw out the bottles, which my young man expertly hid (one I found in a shoebox in the attic), I figured out how to distract him from his visits to friends, of whom he was returning, scarcely able to stand. In the third year of our marriage, I insisted, so he started to detox. The month he spent in hospital. I thought that saved him. And a month enjoyed a quiet family life. Then he said, "can't You see that I do not live and exist? To me everything is boring, I can't even think!"After that I saw him sober one to two times per month. After a year of this life I filed for divorce.
And if it's not that I "just unlucky" (as said my friends), then why such a man I chose for myself? "The reason may be anxiety branch, — explains Elena Ratner. The fear of losing a loved one often persist in women who in childhood endured a painful separation from mother or other significant elders. For example, the mother went to work, and the girl gave to the nursery. To generate fear could move, long illness, divorce — events that left the child alone with the experience of loss with which he could not cope on their own." Yeah, that sounds like my story: parents worked, and she lived with me grandmother, dad's mother. She walked with me, read to me. But when I was four, my grandmother died and my father started drinking. I was sent to the garden in five days...
A sad time! I almost forgot about it and remembered.
"Protection from the anxiety of separation, the merger, — continues Elena Ratner. In the man woman wants to find the one who will never leave, just be there for her. The weakness of the partner is a kind of insurance: that it is easier to bind themselves, it is more predictable. Then how strong that implements a man independent, you cannot manage it, and his freedom looks for anxious women as a threat".
Love "for merits»
After Nikita had other men, though married, no longer go out did not dare. Trying to remember each and much to my displeasure, I understand that many are really detected any problems. Endless debts, non - primary career. But wait! I had a couple of novels with men with absolutely no problems, successful and independent. They both ended pretty quick and both times on my initiative. I really wanted to be sure that I will not leave. "Often the woman who has this inner pain that came from the past, unsure of its value, — continues Elena Ratner, — it seems that it is impossible to love just so she has to earn love, to deserve it. But if the man himself to cope with the difficulties, it is not clear that he would love her. It's worrisome. Also it can take successful partner as unfavorable background for comparison."
I think it's not about me. Rather — about Rita. No wonder she's so love to find different beginner — artists, musicians, writers. One of them dictated to her endless detective series, and she meekly down at night. Because during the day it supplies, negotiations and other things that you need to work her boutique. With such beloved Rita looks to be both very confident and timid, sacrificial. It is a pity that sacrifice in vain. None of her wards had not yet achieved any noticeable success. And they will sooner or later leave his patroness. Rita is going through, feeling betrayed, broken and unnecessary. And then finds another ward.
Repetition
"We reproduce in adult life experience, which was included in the childhood, — says Elena Ratner. — If in childhood we knew that we are treated with respect, that we will hear and protect what our needs senior care, we will partner to find such with which we can enter into such relationships. If the girl was humiliated, neglected her needs, even if not purposely, in the circumstances, her in adult life nowhere to take the experience of equal relations. It locked with accumulated childhood feelings of fear, humiliation, powerlessness, and she's looking for someone who will allow these feelings to emerge".
In such a situation it may seem that does not want to escape and become "good" and "right" partner is the cause of our painful experiences. In fact, meeting with him is the result of what we are accustomed to painful experiences and are looking for a new meeting with them in an unconscious attempt to fix it — try that again doomed to failure. Because after all, this man, if we speak frankly, it is not asked to save him. And promised us for it is neither eternal love, nor even gratitude.
Always whether such relationships are doomed to break up? "Not necessarily — meets Elena Ratner. They can last for years, sometimes for life. Another thing that the participants in such a relationship feel they are less of joy and more suffering". One who in childhood felt nothing for those he loves, feels good at first to become a pillar for the other, that's comforting. But to imagine yourself as a mother Teresa — a dubious replacement of a full personal life. We're looking at a couple of the same sufferer, like yourself, hoping that we will be able to give him what he lacks, and then he will give us what we lack. But he does not make up for that parental love which we crave a part of his soul stuck in an unhappy childhood. Similarly, as we will not be able to replace that support, which he created within himself.
To review the script
Then I try to put the question another way. Is it possible to change this? "Rarely, but it happens that the quantity turns into quality — meets the therapist and says: — Analyzing their feelings, the woman may one day notice that the reason for her suffering is not in man, but in herself. But for that first of all you should at least try to honestly answer the question: "What do I get in this relationship, what is my emotional benefit?»
I remember how Rita once told me: "Next to him I feel mighty giantess, Boy-with-finger, which is about to be eaten by a cannibal". Maybe this is the realization? "Noticing a recurring scenario, it is better to ask the therapist — interrupts my thoughts Elena Ratner. Because it's a very deep and unconscious feelings, they are difficult to spot, even harder in them to be honest with myself: the mind rejects them because they are too strong and painful."
Again to face the child's fear, the horror that crosses my mind at the thought that I can quit? Perhaps I'm not ready. But I remember another story — I was told 47-year-old Dean. "My first husband was also an alcoholic, she admitted in response to my brief autobiography set out for a glass of carrot juice at a health club. — And the second was constantly depressed, didn't stop him from tearing me to anger, and his fists. Then there was a lover, a retired military, he gave me complaints about your health, and I went with him to different specialists, while not seriously ill herself, and then he left me." Dean thought he had met no one, but two years ago, I met a 50-year-old Vadim. "It's amazing, but he does not like those selfish people that I chose before."
So there is hope! For me and for Rita. And although I really want to tell her that her attempts to make a career of Victor and his life with him, most likely, will come to nothing, still, I'd rather wait until she got to ask. Or read the article. Of course, I changed her name. But I think that, despite this, Rita finds itself. If you want to, of course.
More care, less sex
Partner. a woman can choose if her femininity is expressed in sacrifice or in the parent style. "It happens in a situation when between parents was not sexuality — explains psychoanalytic psychotherapist Elena Ratner. Girl identificeret with our mothers. But if she sees her mother only as Housewives or babysitters, then it is not possible to identify with the mother as a woman with a male coquettish, tender, desirable.
Nanny and housekeeper — active role: to care, to care, to restore order. And the role of the beloved — passive: here the important ability to relax, to obey, to trust, to be malleable, to allow the man to take responsibility, not control it. Women either do not know how, because I have not seen such examples, or they are afraid to behave, because they associate passivity with the role of the victim of violence or abuse of power. In men, the same active tutelary care women also associative with the parent role, eliminating in relation to a woman's sexual desires".published
Authors: Elena Tyuleneva, Elena Ratner
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: bealpha.com/content/view/3272
As he is talented! exclaims my girlfriend, 40-year-old Rita. Six months I watch as she revels in her new love: he's 35, his name is Victor. They met when he offered to give her some advice about the interior, but so in the interior and left. He first had an apartment on Ostozhenka, but he sold it to pay off debts. "He showed me a photo of the situation, he's got impeccable taste!"the Rita. It all represents him as a designer: "He needs just a little help to unwind". I have a bad feeling. I'm afraid one day Victor will disappear, leaving Rita debts and a broken heart. About so disappeared her previous lover, unrecognized artist. He Rita also helped to spin. I remind her, she thinks: "Yes, there is something in common...."But then shrugs: "It was a mistake, and now I feel is real."Forty five million one hundred two thousand eight hundred ninety one
I think I have read about women who repeatedly choose men with problems and struggling to help them, often in vain. For clarification refer to the psychoanalytic psychotherapist Elena Ratner. "Sometimes behave so men — she says, — but desire to develop the life of his chosen really often peculiar to women. It can take extreme forms: the desire to heal, rescue, sometimes sacrificing their own interests". Perhaps this is dangerous — I guess. "Do not panic, says the therapist,' but if a woman notices that relationships cause pain and again with different men, then it really is time to think".
And I think. Not only about Rita — I think of my own story. I also once met such a person... and even married him. I wanted to save him
"This kind of meeting is not accidental, the woman chooses the partner. It does not seek to heal every man from any adversity. Trying to help others, she unconsciously tries to resolve its own problem." Someone attracted to those men who in childhood was abandoned and alone, others are attracted to mental instability. A woman tries to save the partner from harm, which affected her personally. Helping him cope with the trauma, she wants to overcome her. Similar pain in the past each generates a sense of intimacy, from which grows the love... or something that is easy for her to accept.
I was 25 when I met Nikita. We often found ourselves in some company where we laughed a lot and drank. Bright and witty, he attracted me.
I dreamed about the date. And was overjoyed when my dreams began to come true. It became clear, however, that together we, too, drink all the time. Soon I stopped trying to keep up with him. But he alone "persuade" two or three bottles of wine for the evening. The reserved attitude of my parents to Nikita I need, even spurred my desire to associate with him his fate forever. "We'll get married, be together, friends and company will depart on the second plan, he will settle down..."— so I imagined. I threw out the bottles, which my young man expertly hid (one I found in a shoebox in the attic), I figured out how to distract him from his visits to friends, of whom he was returning, scarcely able to stand. In the third year of our marriage, I insisted, so he started to detox. The month he spent in hospital. I thought that saved him. And a month enjoyed a quiet family life. Then he said, "can't You see that I do not live and exist? To me everything is boring, I can't even think!"After that I saw him sober one to two times per month. After a year of this life I filed for divorce.
And if it's not that I "just unlucky" (as said my friends), then why such a man I chose for myself? "The reason may be anxiety branch, — explains Elena Ratner. The fear of losing a loved one often persist in women who in childhood endured a painful separation from mother or other significant elders. For example, the mother went to work, and the girl gave to the nursery. To generate fear could move, long illness, divorce — events that left the child alone with the experience of loss with which he could not cope on their own." Yeah, that sounds like my story: parents worked, and she lived with me grandmother, dad's mother. She walked with me, read to me. But when I was four, my grandmother died and my father started drinking. I was sent to the garden in five days...
A sad time! I almost forgot about it and remembered.
"Protection from the anxiety of separation, the merger, — continues Elena Ratner. In the man woman wants to find the one who will never leave, just be there for her. The weakness of the partner is a kind of insurance: that it is easier to bind themselves, it is more predictable. Then how strong that implements a man independent, you cannot manage it, and his freedom looks for anxious women as a threat".
Love "for merits»
After Nikita had other men, though married, no longer go out did not dare. Trying to remember each and much to my displeasure, I understand that many are really detected any problems. Endless debts, non - primary career. But wait! I had a couple of novels with men with absolutely no problems, successful and independent. They both ended pretty quick and both times on my initiative. I really wanted to be sure that I will not leave. "Often the woman who has this inner pain that came from the past, unsure of its value, — continues Elena Ratner, — it seems that it is impossible to love just so she has to earn love, to deserve it. But if the man himself to cope with the difficulties, it is not clear that he would love her. It's worrisome. Also it can take successful partner as unfavorable background for comparison."
I think it's not about me. Rather — about Rita. No wonder she's so love to find different beginner — artists, musicians, writers. One of them dictated to her endless detective series, and she meekly down at night. Because during the day it supplies, negotiations and other things that you need to work her boutique. With such beloved Rita looks to be both very confident and timid, sacrificial. It is a pity that sacrifice in vain. None of her wards had not yet achieved any noticeable success. And they will sooner or later leave his patroness. Rita is going through, feeling betrayed, broken and unnecessary. And then finds another ward.
Repetition
"We reproduce in adult life experience, which was included in the childhood, — says Elena Ratner. — If in childhood we knew that we are treated with respect, that we will hear and protect what our needs senior care, we will partner to find such with which we can enter into such relationships. If the girl was humiliated, neglected her needs, even if not purposely, in the circumstances, her in adult life nowhere to take the experience of equal relations. It locked with accumulated childhood feelings of fear, humiliation, powerlessness, and she's looking for someone who will allow these feelings to emerge".
In such a situation it may seem that does not want to escape and become "good" and "right" partner is the cause of our painful experiences. In fact, meeting with him is the result of what we are accustomed to painful experiences and are looking for a new meeting with them in an unconscious attempt to fix it — try that again doomed to failure. Because after all, this man, if we speak frankly, it is not asked to save him. And promised us for it is neither eternal love, nor even gratitude.
Always whether such relationships are doomed to break up? "Not necessarily — meets Elena Ratner. They can last for years, sometimes for life. Another thing that the participants in such a relationship feel they are less of joy and more suffering". One who in childhood felt nothing for those he loves, feels good at first to become a pillar for the other, that's comforting. But to imagine yourself as a mother Teresa — a dubious replacement of a full personal life. We're looking at a couple of the same sufferer, like yourself, hoping that we will be able to give him what he lacks, and then he will give us what we lack. But he does not make up for that parental love which we crave a part of his soul stuck in an unhappy childhood. Similarly, as we will not be able to replace that support, which he created within himself.
To review the script
Then I try to put the question another way. Is it possible to change this? "Rarely, but it happens that the quantity turns into quality — meets the therapist and says: — Analyzing their feelings, the woman may one day notice that the reason for her suffering is not in man, but in herself. But for that first of all you should at least try to honestly answer the question: "What do I get in this relationship, what is my emotional benefit?»
I remember how Rita once told me: "Next to him I feel mighty giantess, Boy-with-finger, which is about to be eaten by a cannibal". Maybe this is the realization? "Noticing a recurring scenario, it is better to ask the therapist — interrupts my thoughts Elena Ratner. Because it's a very deep and unconscious feelings, they are difficult to spot, even harder in them to be honest with myself: the mind rejects them because they are too strong and painful."
Again to face the child's fear, the horror that crosses my mind at the thought that I can quit? Perhaps I'm not ready. But I remember another story — I was told 47-year-old Dean. "My first husband was also an alcoholic, she admitted in response to my brief autobiography set out for a glass of carrot juice at a health club. — And the second was constantly depressed, didn't stop him from tearing me to anger, and his fists. Then there was a lover, a retired military, he gave me complaints about your health, and I went with him to different specialists, while not seriously ill herself, and then he left me." Dean thought he had met no one, but two years ago, I met a 50-year-old Vadim. "It's amazing, but he does not like those selfish people that I chose before."
So there is hope! For me and for Rita. And although I really want to tell her that her attempts to make a career of Victor and his life with him, most likely, will come to nothing, still, I'd rather wait until she got to ask. Or read the article. Of course, I changed her name. But I think that, despite this, Rita finds itself. If you want to, of course.
More care, less sex
Partner. a woman can choose if her femininity is expressed in sacrifice or in the parent style. "It happens in a situation when between parents was not sexuality — explains psychoanalytic psychotherapist Elena Ratner. Girl identificeret with our mothers. But if she sees her mother only as Housewives or babysitters, then it is not possible to identify with the mother as a woman with a male coquettish, tender, desirable.
Nanny and housekeeper — active role: to care, to care, to restore order. And the role of the beloved — passive: here the important ability to relax, to obey, to trust, to be malleable, to allow the man to take responsibility, not control it. Women either do not know how, because I have not seen such examples, or they are afraid to behave, because they associate passivity with the role of the victim of violence or abuse of power. In men, the same active tutelary care women also associative with the parent role, eliminating in relation to a woman's sexual desires".published
Authors: Elena Tyuleneva, Elena Ratner
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: bealpha.com/content/view/3272
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