The main rule in the choice of methods of influence on children Bashny.Net

I often see here, and there are questions about the education of children and care for them. Once upon a time, and I have caused them a lot of questions and doubts. When I thought that the children - it is something special, it is unclear how an alien creature

. And it is much easier to respond to them, knowing that the children - it's little people. Same as me. Same as my husband. Just lower the age, size and weight. Inside, they have exactly the same soul, heart, mind, intelligence. All these have in them. And then I look at a lot differently. When I miss every question by themselves and other adults, much seems absurd and illogical.




"The child is not sitting, not walking, not talking, not walk on the pot - or other options" deviations from the norm. " Does not that make peers, and what is written in books. "

I am now thirty-two. There are somewhere in the book that the woman should be able to thirty-two? A certain standard of an adult woman? If there is, even if we take as a basis for my book "Purpose to be a woman" (although it's still not about this), I clearly stands out from the norm. Because I do not know how to fold origami. I do not know how the furnace sponge cakes. I can not be wrung out ten times on the floor. I do not know how to swim the crawl. Do not dance flamenco. Scythe weave anyhow, and only a few species. I do not know how to sew and knit. And a lot of things do not know - or think I do not know how. And somehow I do not think it's a disaster.

I learned to cook too late - I was almost thirty, when I realized that the little food mix and fry, and we must also invest in her love. And to do something new. Shirts I learned to iron also not so long ago, and still do it imperfectly. Many women my age can do a headstand. And I do not know how. And I do not know whether I will learn.

There are things that I'm sure one day I will learn to do. For example, to weave beautiful braids or sew. Because I want to know how it is, I'm training. As a child, which trains daily in walking, but not yet able to go himself. Everything has its time. Someone from the first zapletet Spit someone - only a year to learn

. Then why do we demand from the child conform incomprehensible books and his peers? Peers, too, are different. Someone hypertonicity, someone hypotonia, someone's weight is more, someone less, someone simply is no motivation to do something new. Most people begin to walk and talk once.

Yes, there are exceptions. But in these cases usually there are other signs that the problem is somewhere. There are other factors, alarming. But for most children these standards - only further stress the mother, which prevents the child to develop as he should

. "A child does not eat healthy food! No broccoli or cauliflower or rabbit. Such expensive jars buy it - and all the past »

! I hate broccoli. Remember, yes, I'm thirty-two? I do not like either broccoli or cauliflower. My husband's parents are shocked that I eat one grass and the most useful herb eat - how so? Horror just some ...

How much do we, adults, eat wholesome food? Who among you will never eat fast food, do not drink any soda horror, not regales cakes? Most adults are addicted to sweets. In women without chocolate a bad mood, man - just zvereyut

. Then why should a small child is what we ourselves can not eat (you tried these canned broccoli? Yes, they are worse taste than usual! For me)? Why does a child have to love something "useful" if tasteless for him? Why should he have to love what you do not like? Why between ice cream and soup, he should choose the soup?

Start with a proper diet should be like a child. With their taste preferences by removing all unnecessary from your diet and from household items.

And with his cooking skills. Indeed, the same product can be prepared in various ways. If the soup to add a little more cream, it will be much tastier, for example.

"A child does not want to fall asleep himself. He likes to sleep with us. How to evict him? He was five years old! He can fall asleep himself, but does not want to. »

Good. I'm thirty-two. I'm an adult aunt, who can fall asleep alone, but do not want. Most of all, I ask my husband put me to bed - that is, to lie down with me, I tuck the blanket. When my husband went to travel, to go to sleep, I obkladyvayut children from all sides - and then sweet sleep

. I still have not learned to sleep alone, I am uncomfortable in a single bed, I like to feel the heat next to the beloved body. For example, a husband or a child. If I dream of a nightmare, I'm glad that I can immediately embrace of a loved one - and relax. With all good, it's just a dream, there is no reason for alarm. I'm thirty-two. So, I'm lost for the society a person who has not learned to sleep alone in his bed?

Most adults do not like to sleep alone: ​​they are lonely, cold, empty, sad. Husbands love to cuddle up to the bodies of their wives, wives love to put their feet on her sleeping husband. Then why the little man has to love to sleep alone? Why should he be wiser and stronger in spirit than we are? And what is really wrong with the fact that he wants to sleep next to those whom he loves?

Why even try to postpone the birth of a child of far away and outraged that it's there does not sleep? One day, it just will sleep separately from you - and then all will be sleeping with someone else

. "The child sleeps poorly. I put one in his bed, he yelled - and then falls asleep »

Now imagine yourself in his place. You're tired. You want to be with someone you love - say, with her husband. Do you want to fall asleep in his arms, and even better - together. To night to throw him a leg and breathe on his chest. Instead, he puts you in bed, turns off the light and leaves. You cry, cry, but no one comes. Yes, of course, you go to sleep - you are tired. But any feelings you fall asleep? And how it will affect your relationship with your husband?

Why, then, in relation to a child all these draconian methods are allowed to have a pseudo-scientific basis, after the names of their discoverers? Why do we treat children as would not would like to be treated ourselves?

The purpose of what you - put your baby to sleep today, or build a deeper relationship with him a lifetime? If you it is important that he slept today and tomorrow itself and one - please. Turn off the light, go, listen to his screams. And wait for the moment when it be reduced to a pulp, and almost lose consciousness. You choose.

"He always goes in my arms! And the weight of the already rather big! When he would go on foot? »

I still thirty-two. And when I'm sad, hard, when I'm tired, when the world frustrates me, save me only "to the hilt". Only if you take me to sit on his knees, pat on the head and hug. Then everything is solved in five minutes to ten.

If my pen did not take, even just a look or a word, I'm going to act up, swear to behave strangely. My husband is, thank God, he knows. And trying to take into account.

Our son is almost five. When a lot of emotion when he is not interested, he was tired - he is asking for a pen, and I understand it. I can see why. And it does not necessarily carry on his hands. More often than not - just sit like that for five minutes. And if I do not have time for this - you have to drag. But whose problem is it? Its whether the problem is that I have no time to sit for five minutes with him in his arms?

"How can I punish him? When he was satisfied with hysteria or what the hell? Beat? To scold? Shut up? Leave one in the room? »

We all have problems, right? Sometimes we adults tetek bears. Or do you have this does not happen? His mouth suddenly opened and out of it that something is not pouring. Not at all. And the poor, all those who are close. Brain understand all this, and the mouth, it is still open.

And that's what will help me? I, of thirty-aunt? Will it help if I start to beat? I think unlikely. Rather, I am still very angry, I will be greatly offended. This is in addition to physical pain from the impact.

And if I start to criticize and lecture me? Oh, yes, of course, it is very helpful to me. Of course, I immediately shut my mouth and I will smile. And I will be even more to love someone who I read notation. Or you differently?

If I declare a boycott, I'm happy and relaxed? No. Absolutely not. I'm afraid to express their feelings, not to lose a loved one. I will be silent and accumulate in the body of the disease to the one I love, is no longer estranged from me. Externally, the result will be achieved. But in my life will be a break with the feelings ...

And if you take me and lock in one room, they say, yell all you want? On the one hand, it's better than to hit or yell at me. Because I live my emotions, vyplesnu them. But I'm going to feel loved? Will I be calm in my soul?

And that helps me? I ask myself - and find the answer. Take my emotions and to take me to the hilt. All. Maybe some time I will be even mutter and indignant. But overall, the inside will gradually let go. And after some time, I naturally relaxed and calm down.

Then why do something else to help my child? I admit that if a child is in a very strong hysterics, and my condition is that I even myself I can not calm, it is better, of course, a time-out. And then, once on the handle. And it is better to be in a condition to be able to take the child to handle in any situation. Have the internal forces of this decision.

"He was always sitting in computer games, it is not interesting this world, only the virtual»

The majority of modern adults around the clock live in smartphones. Even at the table they sit staring everyone in your screen. you never know what - the possibilities are many - social networking, sports, photography. The virtual world is much easier, brighter and more interesting real. It has more possibilities and colors. He was so loved by adults.

Then why is he the little man should not be interesting? If attention is not my mother, and the little box with color pictures, I also need a box! Children have to understand this year, and are drawn to where the parents' attention. Then maybe you need to educate yourself? Post has no phone? Forget sometimes even his house? Do not take pictures of everything, and sometimes just to watch and enjoy? Communicate not only in social networks, but also to live - but more often than colored box

? How else can we show the children that the real world is a better and more interesting that it has more features that only in it worth living?

"He hates kindergarten and constantly suits hysterics there»

Do you like casual gathering of people whom you did not choose? When you have different interests and values? And like when you are trying to stick to a clear timetable? And when it is necessary to sleep right now, because the quiet hour, even if you do not want?

Adults who do not like to work, because there they are forced to do something they do not want. Many do not like his colleagues, because no interest to them. Then why the child must all love?

Adults who do not like to be separated for a long time with those you love. When my husband leaves, even on three days, I really miss. For children, time moves differently. And the day for them - this is a very long time. And separation from you because of the garden for them appears weekly. Why should they not cry and miss you if they like you? If a mother for a child - it's his world, he has to live happily in her absence? Are other aunt, who does not love him and the other children who do not like him, he can replace my mother on this whole long day? And if we believe that they can, it is not cheating if we ourselves?

"He always wants to watch cartoons. And could watch them for hours »

I'm thirty-two. And I really like the series "Mahabharata". And when it began to look avidly watched all the time, until the end of the translated series. Because it's interesting. Because I like it.

Middle son of our nearly five. The eldest of eight. And in most cases they can easily live without cartoons. The exception is an illness, a time when I need to relax when they are bored at the new location. And I realize, looking at them, by example that adults bring their children to such a relationship.

When we are constantly sit in blue screens, they also relax and have fun when we own life boring and uninteresting, that is children? What do we teach them by example? And why do they have to be interesting cubes drawn little animals?

We ourselves put cartoons, not to respond to one hundred and one question to work, wash the floor and cook dinner, to a miracle crouched in the same place for half an hour, to the hated ate soup that gave the talk with a friend .... Continue the list. To understand the problem again, not a child, but in ourselves. That is because bad luck ...

"He wants it all himself. And that he, and other scandals, hysteria. Requires this toy, this spoon, this T-shirt »

And we do not like? Try to stay at least a month, so that for you Someone chooses what you will wear. Here you get up - and the mood you is that the ideal is a white dress with flowers. A husband, for example, gives you the black stripes. And not otherwise. All your arguments - no. Today - agree. Tomorrow - agree. A month later?

Imagine that for you around the clock, everything is decided by others. Citing the fact that you do not speak, speak little, too small to solve, want too much or too wrong time. The more decide for you, so desperately wants to change everything and do everything differently, in their own way.

What's wrong with that godovasik will he have? Yes, more cleaning, yes, less gets inside and more smeared on the table. Yes, so that's the price of children's autonomy. But the earlier start, the faster he will learn there. If he would choose the clothes, then he will wear it.

Once he did all he would do without asking us. Or do you want to buy a shirt and a son of forty to fill his pants to socks?

And then it all turns out simply.

 - He's not listening to me! And who I want to grow - the vast and easily managed or self-sufficient person and the whole person? I want him to listen - and I drugih- or that he knew how to listen to and hear himself

?  - He fights! Again - one I want to grow quiet phlegmatic, unattached to things intellectual boy or is it a man? If a man, the fight is inevitable. It is their way of understanding the world, its features, defending borders. Method learn to protect your family in the future. It is better to think about where I can send it? Maybe in the sports section?

 - He is greedy! What is more important to me - the view of other mothers of children in the sandbox with whom my child does not share toys, or personal experience of owning things, the property, the establishment of borders? And if I myself experience this possession does not have, I do not know what to start sharing with joy, the child must first learn how objects have their property ...

 - He does not want to learn! And whether he is interested in school? It brings whether he is learning the joy? Do awakens curiosity in him? Or teaches memorize without understanding, to lie and to adapt? Do I like the most in school or I just did what I should be doing, not listening to themselves and their needs?

 - He breaks and drops! Have you observed that when a child drops a cup, we sigh, and ohaem rychim, and if we divide ourselves - so do not worry, for good luck? The double standards of some. Maybe it is easier to treat this?

For me now there is the main rule in the choice of methods of influence on children. First, I apply it to yourself to see how it is justified, in harmony. And even whether to worry about it. And only then can I apply or not to apply something to the children.

Children - this is the people. The same little people like you and me. And the fact that they are small, should make us think a thousand times before you do something. Of course, we have some power over them freedom to a certain vozrasta.I can be abused.

But then what is the result? And what is the result you want?

Author: Olga Valyaeva chapter from the book "Purpose to be a mom"