Stepfather and stepson: how to live together Bashny.Net

There are a lot of stories about stepmother and stepson or about stepmother and stepdaughter. But tales of the stepfather and stepson to remember or hard to find. Because the plot of this fairy-tale. About my stepmother, too, of course, stories are not inspiring, but probably the relationship of stepfather and stepson harder mythopoetic treatment. No tale to tell or pen describe?

Five years ago, making the search request by words in the title, you can get a lot of bloody stories of murder, axes, torture. Now from the description of the facts has shifted to finding ways to deal with this almost intractable problem.

However, the reading proposed method does not give all the same clue. Because it sees not in the lyrics, and the root. The structure and relationships between its elements. So, were stepson and stepfather as such...





STRUCTURE

Family structure, which consists of a woman (mother-wife) and two men (husband, stepfather and son-stepson), itself a conflict. It contains a conflict between two men over one woman. Even in the case of the father and of the son, this conflict takes place in varying degree and form, and what to speak of others ' blood people.

In this case, the type of relationship a stepfather-stepson not rooted, no case, noncommittal. Neither the one nor the other has no reason, reason to love each other, to submit to or provide care or take care.

Stepfather and stepson is strangers. And their aloofness stronger than in the structure with foster children and parents. Love and mutual respect between stepfather and stepson do not appear, they may be the result of serious long-term work or miracle.

STEPFATHER

Consider the feelings of his stepfather, in terms of position, locations in the structure. Stepson annoying stepfather, because the first got the second as an unfortunate burden to the woman. Stepfather dreams that the stepson was not there. Stepson prevented him from loving his wife, forced to divide her attention and care for two, creates additional burdens: stepson need to feed, water, protect, heat, etc.

Stepson is another man in the house, even small, but the man has certain rights to this woman, this house, and this man is growing all the time. So start to play men's relationships: who is cooler, who is stronger, who's the boss who's macho, who is alpha and who is the woman's son or husband.

Stepson constantly reminds her stepfather of his existence that stepfather was not the first. It is at least the second this woman. That is, the stepson is not just a little man, it's like an ex-husband with all its feelings and aspirations. And unless there are ex-husbands and wives, really?

STEPSON

Consider now the feelings of a stepchild in terms of a position, designated in the structure. For stepson stepfather — a man that appeared in their mom and family with already established practices, relationships, norms. It is either an invader, an occupier, or a natural disaster, burst into their mother's life.

Mother belonged to the boy, he didn't share with anyone, because dad wasn't around. They were alone. The third may not be enough, but as soon as he appeared, it became obvious that three is a crowd.

This new big strong man has taken the lion's share of mom's love, care, attention, time. And it almost completely took away her body. Mom now not just a mom, she is also the wife of this man. She's some completely different, as if it replaced. The boy has already experienced psychological trauma associated with divorce or the death of her father, and now a new trauma — the loss of his mother.

And this new man begins to lead the mother to tell the stepson what to do and how to liveit, control it, to criticize and even punish, not having any rights, because he's not the father but just another man.

On the other hand, the boy was missing in the home older men that can fill the absence of his father. So he reaches for the man occupying his father's place in the family structure. Waiting for his men's protection, example, support, encouragement and just something men. Stepfather as a senior fellow masculine is a beloved figure, able to enter into the male fraternity, to learn to be a man, to help you become a man, a full member of the male community.

STRUCTURAL TRANSFORMATION

Feels like from the description of the structure, peaceful existence in these initial conditions is simply unimaginable. Therefore, the family begin to occur structural changes. There are three options for such changes:

• Stepfather becomes a dad
• Stepfather becomes a stranger
• Stepfather becomes a friend

Consider these possibilities and their implications.





STEPDAD-DAD

A stepfather can become the Pope by naming and behavior characteristic of the Pope. As soon as the stepson will call her stepfather dad, family, the ship will sail exactly as it was called. The Pope will begin to behave like a dad, not as such de jure and de facto. Stepfather will start to implement their ideas about how to behave as a dad, there probably will be implemented scenario, typical of his kind.

But the stepson has his own ideas about the Pope! Plus, mom will begin to voice their ideas about the ideal father, but her husband adults will be able to negotiate, to find compromise, and the conflict of representations of the child and the adult will remain. And the background will go newcontent, the groundlessness of his stepfather in the position of the Pope.

My stepfather was in the position of the Pope is dangerous because he has no attachment, love, sensitivity to the child at the level of physiology. All of this can grow, can not grow. And dad without blood ties can turn into a tyrant, a vigilant supervisor or a boring teacher. But most importantly, that the stepfather-dad is not true, or in the language of psychology, congruence.

Partly this lie can compensate for real-adoption and full adoption of the stepson as a son, if you have a personal story of a boy, his relationship with the real father. But whether is worth it, honest to such breaks and the reform of the personal and family history?

STEPDAD-STRANGE

Rather, the stepfather remains a stranger. The boy retains its independence and position in the family structure, losing the amount falling to its share of maternal love-care-and-time that could have happened in the case of a brother or sister, though in a different form and degree.

The family structure split — instead of one there are two structures: husband-wife and mother-son. These two structures are essentially independent, Autonomous, but, of course, they overlap on the same material. This material is a woman, the carrier of the two positions, and the physical space of the house in which they live and face the bodies.

The weight of such a structure rests on the shoulders of the mistress, forced alone to lead two lines of relationship. Stepson and stepdad live as strangers, and their conflicts are communal conflicts hostels or communal apartments. Through which can secretly break the jealousy and competitiveness between two men that is described in the criminal chronicle, such as domestic fights and murder.

Peaceful coexistence in such a relationship is possible if the stepfather stepson will take as equal to the rights of the neighbor and be respectful to him throughout his forced stay in the same area. Examples of peaceful coexistence of strangers in confined spaces there.

STEPFATHER-EACH

A stepfather can become the friend, a senior male friend. Is the relationship equal people. It can also be something similar to the relationship of coach and athlete, mentor and pupil, master and pupil, uncle and nephew, the personal driver-bodyguard and the son of the hostess, older and younger brothers. Despite the fact that among other people, such relationships are hierarchic (one above the other), in the case of the relationship of stepfather and stepson rather, they should be horizontal, otherwise one will become a dad in fact.

In some Turkic languages have a special word, denoting male relatives older than childrenbut younger than the father: "ABZ" in Bashkir, "Agay" in Tatar. Be like a grown and older than you but younger than your father, so you can not decree. Only under some cases, when there is no next father. Here this position is ideal for stepfather.

Equals, partners, friends don't point to each other, not punished and not in control. Adhering to equality, they adhere to certain standards. The issue of standards is a sore point of such a relationship. If norms come into conflict, for example, an athlete may go to another coach or have to retire from the sport, friends can leave and stop to chat. Stepfather and stepson have nowhere to go, so the question of the rules will excite a family from time to time.

Little to calm unrest and storms can take away the question of the rules of the family within the framework of the management and maintenance of the family. In this framework, a man can be the master, providing protection, food and accommodation of the family and therefore have priority in the rules of the hostel. He would like a superintendent or warden :)

According to psychotherapist Bert Hellinger, a stepson in the family structure is in the first place. However, he is a little boy, at any age if he is younger than her new husband. Then family and ensuring structures are in conflict — in the family structure stepson plays a major role in providing the structure of headship is clearly the stepfather, if he is the breadwinner.

But he cannot command a stepchild in the family hierarchy. In terms of the economy's stepfather can build a relationship of type "equals" only with his wife, if she is the breadwinner, even if just wiping and stroking, and with the father of the stepson, if he participates in the financial support of their child.

Thus, active participation stepson in the economic life of the family is a good remedy for "games" in the hierarchy that a certain amount sometimes necessary for family health. These "games" will allow both man and child as if to take their place: child — Junior, male — senior place.

In General, changing structures and, accordingly, is the beneficial remedy for all of the family because family structure is the most rigid, and the man from time to time need the freedom, fresh air and a wind.

For example, the father with the son can walk together to the training, at the time becoming an equal to the coach. It is believed that believers become equal to each other before God. However, Christians are forbidden to call any man father ("because you have one Father who is in heaven"), a teacher, or a Lord, so the Christian faith, in theory, should completely get rid of family labor destruktivnost and hierarchy.





COMPLICATIONS AND CORRECTIONS

In cases where a new family is born more children, or a stepfather in the family brings children from a former (due to divorce or death) of his wife, the structure, and with it the balance of forces and the situation is much more complicated by.

The stepson appear the jealousy of other children who may be perceived as others as rivals stole the love and attention of the mother. The stepfather appears split in relation to native and alien children, or groundless siplivaya of these relations.

Relationships can also be complicated by relationships, including conflict with our real dad, or a difference of norms in the family and the family of the present Pope. Generally, if the relationship with her ex-husband tense, conflict, establish peace and a quiet family life is almost impossible from the point of view of the structure.

So my wife is important to build a calm, emotionally cold relationship with her ex-husband and present husband its predecessor. If this does not work, you will have to learn to accept that in the context of family life will constantly looming shadow of the former husband, the father of the stepchild that will lead to various troubles and quarrels.

Someday it will end, when the stepson will leave the family, gaining independence and creating their family. Nothing to do, for the love of a divorced woman with a child has to pay a heavy price. Such is life and family structure.

 

 

Mummelsee and cicarija. Read all!

True or false – not so much a question of morality...

 

To cope with the difficultiescharacteristic of stepfather and stepson, and generally with the difficulties that arise when dealing with a child who has no father, near or at all), will help the following prohibitions:

• the child without a father should not be punished and especially the use of corporal punishment;
• to the child's father and mother can not be treated without respect, no matter how they are presented, and even more impossible to discuss them when the child;
• can not even blame the child and consider the child's bad because the child's behavior is a projection or result of familial and tribal relations and behavior of members of the family.

Want to fix the child, fix it yourself, their behavior, their relationships with other members of the family.published

Author: Alexey Shirshov

 

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: www.facebook.com/bmshkola/posts/1752521375025985:0