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How to learn how to quarrel
Conflicts are inevitable even in the most harmonious relationship. But, as it turns out, you can quarrel in different ways: either save even more insults and innuendo, or make a step towards mutual understanding.
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It is considered that lead to the disintegration of relationships frequent quarrels, the difference between the characters, misunderstanding. But it is not so. More often than not lead to the collapse of the conflicts themselves, and our abnormal stereotyped behavior in them.
Famous Family expert Professor John Gottman identifies "four horsemen of the apocalypse" 4 behaviors that undermine the security and confidence in the pair.
1. Criticisms «I'm tired of your carelessness!", "How many times do you say that!" "You're always ..." "You never ..." "Why are you again ...?". < br />
2. Contempt This is a rolling of eyes in response to some words / actions of a partner, raspberries, ridicule, podkoly, acrid, evil jokes and phrases such as "Yes, what you're able to do?».
3. Protective behavior «The fool", "You look at yourself ..." "It's your fault," "The problem is you, not me!" And so on. It also includes the denial of personal responsibility, the reluctance to acknowledge mistakes and wrong, ask for forgiveness.
4. "Cold wall» That is detached icy silence as a way to punish the partner dissociate itself from him to leave, slamming the door.
If these behaviors are practiced every day, love will not live long. Together and live happily together only those couples who know how to quarrel properly. The 7 rules taught finally swear without hysteria and to achieve results even in the most emotional moments.
you do not use an escape as a way of resolving the conflict
At the same time your partner is sensitive to it, even if he himself does not need too much time, it is full of arguments and he is ready to immediately "rush into battle».
You do not hoard omissions, anger and resentment, and therefore no quarrels in your excessive emotionality
You quarrel in an environment of trust and security.
You are focused on problem solving, rather than recrimination, nagging and accusations.
If you are dissatisfied with something, you talk about yourself, about your feelings. "I do not like (disappointing, sad, painful, irritating, very sorry, and so on.) That (when) ..." - followed by concrete (!), And non-judgmental (!) A description of actions that actually do not like. "I suggest (I am, I want)" - you say, how you would look for ideal development of the situation or similar situations in the future.
You have always made it clear to the partner that he is loved, even if he made a mistake, stumbled behaved ugly.
The only possible way to resolve conflict situations - this cooperation.
If for some reason it is impossible to cooperate, we can find a compromise.
Do not forget that, with rare exceptions, do not go for a simple assignment, realizing that such behavior leads to an accumulation of internal dissatisfaction and discomfort.
It should be emphasized that because those couples quarrel, in which there are no problems with communication in which there is intimacy (trust, openness, support).
However, if your argument is still more like a scandal than to talk of civilized people, do not despair. Now you know how to quarrel right.
Author: Irina Chesnova
via www.facebook.com/chesnova.irina/posts/773495469434144:0
3. Protective behavior «The fool", "You look at yourself ..." "It's your fault," "The problem is you, not me!" And so on. It also includes the denial of personal responsibility, the reluctance to acknowledge mistakes and wrong, ask for forgiveness.
4. "Cold wall» That is detached icy silence as a way to punish the partner dissociate itself from him to leave, slamming the door.
If these behaviors are practiced every day, love will not live long. Together and live happily together only those couples who know how to quarrel properly. The 7 rules taught finally swear without hysteria and to achieve results even in the most emotional moments.
you do not use an escape as a way of resolving the conflict
At the same time your partner is sensitive to it, even if he himself does not need too much time, it is full of arguments and he is ready to immediately "rush into battle».
You do not hoard omissions, anger and resentment, and therefore no quarrels in your excessive emotionality
You quarrel in an environment of trust and security.
You are focused on problem solving, rather than recrimination, nagging and accusations.
If you are dissatisfied with something, you talk about yourself, about your feelings. "I do not like (disappointing, sad, painful, irritating, very sorry, and so on.) That (when) ..." - followed by concrete (!), And non-judgmental (!) A description of actions that actually do not like. "I suggest (I am, I want)" - you say, how you would look for ideal development of the situation or similar situations in the future.
You have always made it clear to the partner that he is loved, even if he made a mistake, stumbled behaved ugly.
The only possible way to resolve conflict situations - this cooperation.
If for some reason it is impossible to cooperate, we can find a compromise.
Do not forget that, with rare exceptions, do not go for a simple assignment, realizing that such behavior leads to an accumulation of internal dissatisfaction and discomfort.
It should be emphasized that because those couples quarrel, in which there are no problems with communication in which there is intimacy (trust, openness, support).
However, if your argument is still more like a scandal than to talk of civilized people, do not despair. Now you know how to quarrel right.
Author: Irina Chesnova
via www.facebook.com/chesnova.irina/posts/773495469434144:0
If these behaviors are practiced every day, love will not live long. Together and live happily together only those couples who know how to quarrel properly. The 7 rules taught finally swear without hysteria and to achieve results even in the most emotional moments.
you do not use an escape as a way of resolving the conflict
At the same time your partner is sensitive to it, even if he himself does not need too much time, it is full of arguments and he is ready to immediately "rush into battle».
You do not hoard omissions, anger and resentment, and therefore no quarrels in your excessive emotionality You quarrel in an environment of trust and security. You are focused on problem solving, rather than recrimination, nagging and accusations.
If you are dissatisfied with something, you talk about yourself, about your feelings. "I do not like (disappointing, sad, painful, irritating, very sorry, and so on.) That (when) ..." - followed by concrete (!), And non-judgmental (!) A description of actions that actually do not like. "I suggest (I am, I want)" - you say, how you would look for ideal development of the situation or similar situations in the future.
You have always made it clear to the partner that he is loved, even if he made a mistake, stumbled behaved ugly. The only possible way to resolve conflict situations - this cooperation. If for some reason it is impossible to cooperate, we can find a compromise.
Do not forget that, with rare exceptions, do not go for a simple assignment, realizing that such behavior leads to an accumulation of internal dissatisfaction and discomfort.
It should be emphasized that because those couples quarrel, in which there are no problems with communication in which there is intimacy (trust, openness, support).
However, if your argument is still more like a scandal than to talk of civilized people, do not despair. Now you know how to quarrel right.
Author: Irina Chesnova
via www.facebook.com/chesnova.irina/posts/773495469434144:0