Evil Overlord List - Being Evil - Not a bad career choice.

Being an Evil Overlord is not a bad career choice. It pays well, there are many small pleasant things, and you can choose your own working hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies always loses and is destroyed. I've noticed that whether they command barbarians or sorcerers, mad scientists or alien invaders, they make the same simple mistakes every time. With that in mind, I'm happy to present... The Evil Overlord List My Legions of Death will have helmets with transparent plexiglass visors, not face-covering ones. Ventilation shafts will be too small to crawl through. My noble brother, whose throne I usurped, will be immediately killed, not secretly locked in a forgotten chamber of my dungeon. For my enemies, a firing squad is quite sufficient. The artifact that is the source of my power will not be kept in the Mountains of Despair beyond the River of Fire, guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will lie in my safe. The same applies to the object that is my weakness. I will not gloat over the situation of my enemies before killing them. When I capture my enemy and he says, "Listen, before you kill me, tell me what you have in mind?", I will answer "No" and shoot him. No, better I'll shoot him and say "No". After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will immediately get married in a modest civil ceremony, not in a grandiose spectacle three weeks later, for the duration of which the final phase of my plans will be postponed. I will not create self-destruct mechanisms without extreme need. If such a need arises, it will not be a big red button labeled "DANGER! DO NOT PUSH!" This inscription will be on the button that activates a machine gun aimed at the person pressing it. Similarly, the "ON/OFF" switch will not be so specifically labeled. I will not arrange negotiations with enemies in the holy of holies of my fortress. A small hotel somewhere on the outskirts of my domain is quite sufficient. I will be careful with my superiority. I will not prove it by leaving clues to victory in the form of riddles or leaving alive the weakest opponents, showing that they are unable to take revenge. One of my advisors will be a five-year-old child. All errors in my plans that he notices will be immediately corrected. The bodies of my defeated opponents will be burned, or several clips will be fired into them, they will not be thrown to die at the foot of a cliff. All announcements of their death, as well as the corresponding celebrations, will be postponed until the aforementioned procedures are completed. The hero will not be allowed a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. I will never use a device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a thing is inevitable, it will be set to the number 117 when the hero is just making his plans. I will never say the phrase: "Before I kill you, I would like to know one thing." If I take advisors, I will sometimes listen to their advice. I will not have a son. Although his weak attempts to seize power will fail, it will distract attention at a critical moment in time. I will not have a daughter. She will be as beautiful as she is evil, but as soon as she looks at the hero, she will betray her own father. Despite the effect, I will not laugh maniacally. It is very easy to miss some important point that a more attentive and calm person can easily notice. I will hire a talented couturier to develop a uniform for my Legions of Death so that there are no cheap clothes in which they look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman infantry, or wild Mongol hordes. They were all defeated, and I don't want similar sentiments in my army. No matter how much power I have over unlimited energy, I will not create a force field larger than my head. I will keep a special supply of the simplest types of weapons and train my soldiers in their use. Then, if the enemies destroy the source of energy and ordinary weapons become useless, my troops will not be defeated by a bunch of savages with spears and stones. I will soberly assess my strengths and weaknesses. Although this will reduce the pleasure, I will not have to shout: "This can't be! I AM INVINCIBLE!" (as is known, after that, death is inevitable). No matter how tempting it is, I will not build any completely indestructible machines that will have one practically inaccessible weak spot. No matter how attractive some rebels are, there will always be someone just as attractive but not dreaming of killing me. You should think twice before inviting an arrested person to my bedroom. I will never build anything important in a single copy. All important systems will have spare control panels and power sources. For the same reason, I will always have two sets of fully charged weapons with me. My hand monster will sit in a secure cage from which he cannot escape and which I cannot stumble over. I will dress in bright and light colors to confuse enemies. All mumbling sorcerers, clumsy landlords, voiceless bards, and cowardly thieves in the country will be killed. My enemies will undoubtedly abandon their plans if they have no one to laugh at along the way. All naive and busty waitresses in taverns will be replaced with gloomy and jaded ones so that the hero does not have unexpected reinforcements or a romantic story. I will not fly into a rage and kill the messenger who brought bad news just to show what a villain I am. Good messengers are hard to find. I don't need high-ranking women in my organization to wear all sorts of spectacular clothes. Morale is better if the clothes are ordinary. Also, black leather suits should be reserved for formal occasions. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days it looked devilish, now it resembles some disgruntled intellectual. I will not put people from the same squad in the same cell or prison block. If they are very important people, I will have the only key to their cells, and there will be no copies of it from all the jailers. If one of my trusted people reports that my Legions of Death have lost a battle, I will believe him. After all, he is a trusted person. If the enemy I just killed has young relatives or offspring, I will find and kill them too immediately, and I will not wait until old age for them to grow up and accumulate anger. If I really need to engage in battle, I certainly will not go in front of my army. Also, I will not look for a worthy opponent among the enemies. I will not be chivalrous. If I have an irresistible super weapon, I will use it as early and often as possible, and not wait until the last minute. As soon as my power is secure, I will destroy those silly time machines. When I catch the hero, I will also catch his dog, monkey, parrot, or other small cute pet that can untie ropes or bring keys if it remains free. I will have a healthy skepticism when I catch a cute rebel and she declares that she admires my power and appearance, and that she will gladly betray her friends if I include her in my plans. I will only hire those bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for pleasure often do all sorts of stupid things, for example, give the victim a chance to escape. I will have a clear idea of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if one of my generals suffers defeat, I will not raise a pistol, point it at him, say "that's the price of failure," then suddenly turn around and shoot some small fry. If an advisor tells me "Monseigneur, he's just a man. What can one man do?", I will answer "That's what!" and kill the advisor. If I find out that a green youth has started hunting for me, I will destroy him while he is a green youth, and I will not wait until he grows up. I will care for any beast that I control with magic or technology with love and attention. Then, if I lose my power over him, he will not immediately take revenge. If I learn about the location of some artifact that can destroy me, I will not send all my troops for it. I will send them for something else, and I myself will quietly place an advertisement for the purchase in the local newspaper. My main computers will have a special operating system that is completely incompatible with standard laptops from IBM or Apple. If one of the guards in my dungeon begins to express concern about the conditions in the princess's cell, I will immediately transfer him to guard a deserted place. I will hire a team of professional architects and experts who will inspect my castle for any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I do not know about. If the beautiful princess I captured says: "I will never marry you! Never, you hear, NEVER!!!", I will answer: "Well, okay..." and kill her. I will not make a deal with a demon only to break it out of principle. Ugly mutants and paranormal creatures will take their place in my Legions of Death. But before sending them on secret missions or reconnaissance, I will try to find someone who, with the same skills and abilities, looks more ordinary. My Legions of Death will train in marksmanship. Everyone who can learn to hit a man-sized target from ten meters is subject to training. Before using any captured device, I will carefully read the instructions. If there is a need to escape, I will not stop, stand in an effective pose and utter smart phrases. I will never build a computer smarter than myself. My five-year-old advisor will also try to decipher any ciphers that I intend to use. If he does it in 30 seconds, the cipher will not be used. The same applies to passwords. If my advisors ask: "Why are you risking everything for this crazy plan?", I will not start the operation until I have a satisfactory answer for them. I will design the passages in the fortress so that there are no niches or ledges behind which you can hide from shots. Garbage will be burned, not compacted. And the incinerators will work constantly so that there is no such nonsense as tunnels available to everyone, through which flames are regularly carried. I will have a professional psychiatrist who will treat me for all sorts of unusual phobias and non-standard behavior that may interfere with my plans. If I have a computer system with publicly accessible terminals, there will be a place on the maps of my complex that is directly marked "Headquarters". This place will be the Execution Room. The real headquarters will be marked "Sewage drain". Digital locks will be equipped with a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who tries to type the code by peeking at it will trigger an alarm. No matter how many short circuits there are in the system, my security will consider any malfunction of the CCTV cameras to be an alarm. I will reward anyone who has ever saved my life. This is necessary to inspire others to do the same feat. However, the reward will only be given once. If he wants me to reward him again, let him save my life again. All private midwives will be expelled from the country. All children will be born in state hospitals. Orphans will be placed in orphanages, not thrown into the forest, where they can be raised by wild animals. When my guards start looking for those who have penetrated the fortress, they will always walk in at least pairs. They will be trained so that if one mysteriously disappears, the second will immediately raise the alarm and call for reinforcements, and not look around in surprise. If I decide to test the loyalty of a lieutenant, I will have a team of shooters ready in case they fail the test. If all the heroes are standing together next to a strange device and start threatening me, I will use ordinary weapons, and not use my invincible super weapon against them. I will not agree to let the heroes go if they win in a competition, even if my advisors claim that they cannot win in it. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan, made so that even my five-year-old advisor will be able to understand it, I will not label the disc "Overlord Project" and leave it lying on my desk. I will order the entire army to attack the hero, and not wait for him to fight one or two soldiers. If the hero is on the roof of my castle, I will not try to drop him down. Also, I will not fight him on the edge of a cliff. (A fight in the middle of a rope bridge over lava is also not part of my plans). If I temporarily go crazy and offer the hero the post of my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough reason to offer it to him when my former trusted one is out of earshot. I will not order my Legions of Death: "And he must be taken alive!" I will order: "And try to take him alive if such an opportunity arises." If my Doomsday Weapon has a switch, I will order that this switch be melted down for commemorative medals. If my weakest squad cannot destroy the hero, I will send my best squad there, and not send more and more powerful squads to him as the hero advances to the fortress. When I fight the hero on the roof of a moving car, disarm him and prepare to finish him off, and he quickly looks behind me and falls face down, I will also fall face down, and not turn around and see what he saw there. I will not shoot at enemies if they are standing in front of the main support of a heavy, dangerous, unstable structure. If I have dinner with the hero, put poison in his glass and leave for some reason, when I return I will order new drinks for both of us so as not to guess whether he switched the glasses or not. I will not have prisoners of the same sex guarded by representatives of the opposite sex. I will not use a plan in which the last step is very difficult, for example, "Connect the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar and activate the medallion at the moment of a total eclipse". Rather, it will be something like "Push the button". I will make sure that my Doomsday Weapon is in working order and well grounded. My containers with hazardous chemicals will be closed when they are not needed. And I will not build bridges over them. If a group of my henchmen fails a task, I will not scold them and send the same group on this task again. After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband the troops and weaken the guard, thinking that the one who has the super weapon is invincible. By the way, I _took_ it away from the hero! I will design the Headquarters so that the door is visible from every workplace. I will not ignore the messenger, forcing him to wait until I finish my entertainment. He may have brought important news. If I am talking to the hero on the phone, I will not intimidate him. On the contrary, I will say that his persistence and perseverance have given me a new vision of the meaninglessness of my path to evil, and that if he leaves me alone for several months of meditation, I will surely return to the righteous path. (Heroes are extremely trusting in this sense). If I am planning a double execution - of the hero and of the small fry who betrayed me, I will make sure that the hero is executed first. When escorting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and pick up some trinket out of romantic motives. There will be a team of qualified doctors and their bodyguards in my dungeon. Thus, if the prisoner becomes ill and his cellmate calls for help, the guard will call the doctors, and not open the cell and go in to see what's wrong. The door mechanism will be designed so that destroying the control panel from the outside would seal the door, and from the inside - open it, and not vice versa. There will be no objects with mirrored surfaces in the cells of my dungeon, as well as anything from which ropes could be made. If an attractive young couple comes to my country, I will carefully monitor them. If they are gentle with each other and happy, I will ignore them. But if it turns out that circumstances have brought them together against their will and that they spend most of their time arguing and criticizing each other, except for the moments when they save each other's lives (and only then do hints of warm relationships arise), I will immediately demand their execution. Any important files will be at least 1.45 megabytes in size. Finally, if I want to introduce my victims to a permanent state of trance, I will give them unlimited access to the Internet. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the heir who plotted to overthrow me - I will do it myself. I will not waste time presenting the death of my enemy as an accident. I have no one to answer to, and no one will believe it anyway. I will unequivocally show that I am familiar with the word "mercy". I just won't show it. My secret agents will not have tattoos marking them as members of my organization. They will also not need to wear army boots or stand out with any other part of their clothing. I will design all Doomsday weapons myself. If I need to hire a mad scientist as an assistant, I will make sure that he is evil enough to never stray from the path of evil and not start repairing the damage he has caused. If my central command post is attacked, I will immediately dive into a pre-prepared escape pod and lead the defense from there. I will not wait until the enemies break into my inner chambers. Although I am going to live forever, I will still hire engineers who are able to build a fortress strong enough so that it does not crumble to the ground immediately after my death without any special structural reasons. Any magic and/or technology capable of miraculously resurrecting a minor character who voluntarily sacrificed his life will be outlawed and destroyed. I will watch to ensure that brave young men in strange clothes and with an accent similar to a foreign one REGULARLY climb the monument in the main square of my capital and threaten me from there, demand that I reveal the secrets of my power, call on the people to revolt, etc. Thus, the townspeople will get bored with it long before it comes to the point. I will not use complex schemes that will allow the hero's team to reach my inner chambers before the trap closes. All oracles will be offered a choice: work only for me or execution. I will not rely on "absolutely reliable" spells if they can be neutralized with relatively inconspicuous talismans. The main gate of my citadel will be of standard size. Of course, carefully constructed double doors 60 feet high are impressive in their massiveness, but in case of danger, they are difficult to close quickly. I will not accept a challenge thrown by the hero. I will not engage in a duel with the hero until all my soldiers are dead. If I capture the hero's starship, I will leave it at the landing site with the ramp down, several symbolic guards, and a ton of explosives that will detonate immediately after being removed beyond the explosion. No matter how much I crave revenge, I will never order my subordinates "Leave him! He's mine!" If I have important equipment, it will not be activated by a lever that anyone can accidentally turn on by falling on it mortally wounded. I will not try to kill the hero by throwing a poisonous creature into his cell. This will end up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen. Nothing is as annoying as a hero winning using the simplest arithmetic. Therefore, all my personal weapons will be modified so that they give one more shot than standard models. If I come across an artifact that can only be used by the pure in heart, I will not even try to use it. It's pointless. The gun turrets in my fortress will not turn to fire inside or at each other. If I decide to arrange competitions in any skill available to the public, all participants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave beforehand. Before kidnapping an old scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will make sure that he has neither a naive beauty daughter ready to risk anything for her daddy, nor a runaway son who worked in the same field but quarreled with his father many years ago. If I suddenly decide to kill the hero in a securely protected escape-proof trap room (water is poured in, sand is poured in, walls are moving, etc.), I will not leave him five to ten minutes before "inevitable" death. I will find a good observation point or a video camera with a monitor to loiter around and enjoy the sight of the opponent's demise. It is preferable to have more than one escape pod, which the hero can easily find. It's better to launch a few dozen decorations to throw him off the trail. Jailers will have their own diner with a wide selection of goodies and delivery to those on duty. Guards will also be warned that receiving food or water from any other source will result in execution. I will not use robots as saboteurs if there is any way to reprogram them, or if their batteries are located outside and can be removed. Irony is delightful, but I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena. My Legions of Fear will wear professionally fitted uniforms. Even if the hero knocks out one of the soldiers, a poorly fitting uniform will instantly give him away. I will never leave the key to the cell just out of reach of the prisoner. Before offering someone the post of trusted lieutenant, I will conduct the most thorough examination and security check. If I find that my beautiful wife with access to my citadel is somehow connected with the hero, I will execute her. This is regrettable, but finding a new wife is easier than a new citadel, and perhaps the next one will pay attention to general orientation meetings. If I'm running away in a big truck and the hero is chasing me in a small Italian sports car, I won't wait for him to catch up with me to try to knock him off the road while he's breaking through. I'll just hit the brakes as soon as he's right behind me. (Knowing the basics of physics can sometimes prove useful.) My Doomsday weapon will be equipped with a high-tech device called a battery - in case someone discreetly cuts off the voltage at the last second. (If I have access to VERY high technology, I will also install a backup device, known as a battery.) If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut to deactivate it, and I will make all the wires red. Before spending funds on gigantic gargoyles, gothic arches and other cosmetic architectural frills, I will check if there are any worthy military expenses that can use the additional budget. The passages leading into and out of my citadel will be well lit with daylight lamps. Of course, the atmosphere of horror will disappear without a trace, but the security patrols will be more effective. If I'm sitting in camp, hear branches crunching, start looking around and notice a small animal, I'll still send out a couple of scouts - just to check, for safety's sake. (If they disappear into the thicket, I won't send another patrol - I'll strike with napalm.) I will instruct the guards: before entering a room that looks empty, look for a chamber pot. If it's in place, the prisoner has escaped and you can go in and look for clues. If there is no chamber pot, the prisoner has either climbed onto the lintel to hit the entering person on the head with it, or has escaped and taken the chamber pot with him as a souvenir (in this case, he is definitely deeply deranged and poses no danger); in any case, there is no need to enter. An alternative to not having children: I will have many children. My sons will be too busy playing leapfrog for position to ever pose a real threat, and my daughters will sabotage each other, making it hard for the hero to win one over. If I have children and grandchildren, I will constantly keep my three-year-old granddaughter with me. If the hero enters, intending to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandfather. When the hero launches into moral explanations that are too abstruse for her, this will be a sign for her to push a button and send the hero into a pit with crocodiles. After all, little children love crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords. It is very important to devote enough time to your grandchildren. If one of my daughters still wins the hero's attention and openly rebels against me, I will congratulate her on her successful choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and appoint the hero as my heir. Perhaps this will be enough to break their relationship. If not, at least I am sure that no hero will attack the Legions of Fear when they are parading in his honor. I will order the soldiers to line up when they shoot the hero so that he cannot deviate and force them to kill each other. Also, some will be ordered to aim above, below and to the sides so that he does not jump off the line of fire. The design of my dungeons will not include uncovered pipes. They, of course, add to the atmosphere of horror, but they are good conductors of vibrations, and many prisoners know Morse code. If my observers report the presence of abandoned or outwardly innocent ships where they should not be, these ships will be destroyed immediately, and not captured as trophies. I will divide my lieutenants into three categories: not trusted, trusted, and completely trusted. The third category is assigned posthumously. Before I laugh at my enemies for wasting time on a device that is designed to stop me and that in principle cannot work, I will still get a copy of the scheme and make sure that it really cannot work in principle. The ropes holding various furniture will not be fastened near window openings or staircases, and the chandeliers will hang directly under the ceiling. I will provide funding and development for the creation of tactical and strategic weapons with a wide target range so that my choice is not limited to "hand-to-hand combat with swords" and "planet explosion". I will not proclaim myself a god. This dangerous post is reserved for my trusted lieutenant. I will indicate to my fashion designer that the body armor fits any type of clothing. Anyone can join my Legions of Fear. However, if it is predicted "no man will defeat me", I will think about increasing the quota for non-traditional races. I will instruct the Legions of Fear regarding the correct search technique. In general, if they are looking for fugitives and someone shouts "Hurry! They ran there!", they should check the identity of the helpful informant before rushing headlong in pursuit. If I learn that a hero is lurking somewhere nearby, I will under no circumstances kill his teachers, mentors and/or best friends. If I catch a hero and his team, I will not wait until my Superweapon recharges and finishes them off if ordinary methods are available. All calendar plans will be marked three days later than the actual completion date. I will not worry too much if they are stolen. I will change the labels on my folder with top secret documents and the folder with family recipes. Imagine the surprise of the hero who decodes the secret plan and discovers Grandma's Potato Salad recipe. If, breaking into the rebels' headquarters, I discover empty rooms and a strange, blinking device, I will not wander around and investigate; I will run away from there like hell. Before enlisting in my Legions of Fear, each recruit must pass medical tests for peripheral vision and hearing, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract attention. I will diversify the daily routine and not allow life to become routine. For example, I will not always sip wine or beat a giant gong before finishing off an enemy. If I steal something important for the hero, I will not put it on public display. When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my troops that will not pass through dense thickets near the rebel camp. I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, stuff him up to his ears with disinformation, and send him to arrest the hero. As an advocate of equality, I will use several hard-of-hearing bodyguards. Then, if I need to talk to someone confidentially, I will simply turn away so that the guards do not read my lips, and not order them to leave the room. If the rebels manage to deceive me, I will remember how they did it so as not to fall for the same trick again and again. If I need a computer specialist, and I have to choose between a brilliant programmer, the head of the world's largest technology company, and a fifteen-year-old imbecile trying to impress the girl of his dreams, I will take the sapling and leave the hero to negotiate with the genius. I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. Then I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate. If I have a large computer system, I will take at least the same precautions as small businessmen and include things like anti-viruses and firewalls. As a despot who believes in equality, I will ensure that horror and oppression are distributed evenly, and not directed at one select group that will form the backbone of the rebellion. I will not place a base in a volcano, cave, or any other place where it is ridiculously easy to deceive the guard by sliding down from above. I will allow guards to work on a flexible schedule. If someone feels that they are tired, they can call for a replacement, check out, take a nap and come back refreshed to finish their shift. Although it is disappointing, I will not admit to the hero's rival that it was I who committed that heinous act for which he blames the hero. If I'm hanging over an abyss and the hero is holding out his hand to me, I won't try to drag him down with me. I'll let him save me, thank him properly, then return to my safe citadel and order his execution. My citadel will be regularly exorcised. Although ghosts in dungeons add to the atmosphere, they tend to give out valuable information when they are appeased. I will add indelible paint to the moat. It will not hinder the swimmer, but even a stupid guard can distinguish someone who got inside in this way. If a scientist who has a beautiful unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's education in college. If I've cornered the hero and am ready to finish him off, and he says "Look, behind you!", I won't laugh "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick?" I will take a step to the side and thus keep the weapon aimed at him and be able to turn slightly and look back. If anything was aimed at me, it is now aimed at him. I will document hidden functions. If I ever build a device that transfers the hero's energy to me, I will make sure that it has no feedback. I will issue a decree that all hay be transported in tightly packed bales. Any cart with unbound hay trying to pass through a guard post will be shot and burned. I will not hold any public celebrations within the walls of my castle. Any event open to the public will be held down the road, in the festival pavilion. Before using any device that pumps energy into my body, I will install a surge suppressor. I will hire an acting teacher. The hero will think that he is mistaken when he hears my Minnesota accent (if everyone speaks American) or Cornwall (if they speak English). If I catch an enemy known for his escapes with the help of fantastically ingenious small devices, I will order him to be thoroughly searched and all personal belongings confiscated before throwing him into the dungeon. I will not develop schemes in which part A is to deceive the hero in order to unwittingly assist me, and part B is to mock him and leave the hero to his own devices. I will not throw feasts during the plague. Good relations with guests do not compensate for bad relations with the masses. I will invest part of my illegal income in renovating the city. Although slums add a piquant and pleasant color to any city, they too often come across unexpected allies for the hero. I will never tell the hero "Yes, I did it, but you can't prove it to that stupid, talentless donkey". There is a chance that the stupid, talentless donkey is standing behind the curtain. If my mad scientist/magician says that he has almost perfected my Superweapon, but needs to do some tests, I will wait until he finishes the testing. No one has ever conquered the world using a beta version. I will not include a relative on my board. Nepotism greatly hinders management and leads to clashes with the union. I will not tell my prospective wife that I preferred a younger and more attractive woman to her. If I use the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and keep her on the verge of instant death at the moment of confrontation with the hero, I will focus on her, not on him. He will not try to do anything while his true love is being held hostage. On the other hand, her weakness, stupidity, naivety and complete uselessness up to this point have nothing to do with her actions in moments of dramatic denouement. I will make several fake maps of secret passages to my citadel and hire travelers to give them to old hermits for safekeeping. I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Using them as a human shield is a waste of material. I will hire a master shooter and place him at the entrance to my citadel. His task will be to shoot down anyone who drives up to challenge me. I will explain to my Legions of Fear that guns are ranged weapons, and swords are not. Anyone who throws a sword at the hero or stuns him with a butt will be executed on the spot. I will remember that I must definitely learn about all my vulnerable spots. I will also remember that no one else should know about this. I will not form an alliance with those who are stronger than me. Such will strike me in the back at the moment of my triumph. It is better to form an alliance with those who are weaker than me, and strike them in the back at the moment of their triumph. In peacetime, my Legions of Fear will not be allowed to lie around, drink honey and eat roast pork. They will be required to obey my dietician and aerobics instructor. All giant snakes guarding my underground lakes will be given goggles to prevent eye damage. All old hags with prophetic abilities will be provided with free services of cosmetologists, hairdressers, manicurists and a wardrobe from Donna Karan. This should undermine confidence in them. I will not hire an evil wizard with thin mustaches. I will hire a squad of blind guards. This will confirm that everyone is equal to me, and most importantly - there will be someone to deal with the hero when he is invisible or has cut off the lights. All repairs will be carried out by the internal repair service. All suspicious "repairmen" who have appeared in the citadel will be escorted to the dungeon. When my Legions of Fear park their scooters to conduct a foot reconnaissance, they will be required to engage the control system locks. Employees will have personal trailers for newlyweds, which they can freely use by calling for a shift and checking out. With this in mind, anyone caught having sex in the closet and leaving their post unattended will be shot. Members of my Legions of Fear will attend group psychotherapy sessions. It is beneficial for them to treat the population politely and courteously when they are not obliged to bring chaos and destruction. I will under no circumstances marry a treacherous, insidious traitor-witch if only because it is absolutely hopeless to perpetuate my line of descent. Nevertheless, we can have a great time together. The guest rooms will be stuffed with bugs and hidden cameras so that I can monitor what those to whom I have granted access to my citadel are actually doing for some reason. If my chief engineer disappoints me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or outside those traps that he helped develop. I will not send battalions of robots or skeletons against heroes who have prejudices about killing living creatures. I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. They, of course, always correspond to high fashion, but they have an annoying tendency to get pinched by doors or get underfoot during flight. If an evil deity requires a sacrifice of a certain quality, I will check whether the victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice, without relying on earlier studies. (Especially if the quality is virginity, and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.) If I ever NEED a digital indicator for a Doomsday weapon, I will buy one that has no quantum-mechanical anomalies. Many samples on the market perfectly count time when you look directly at them, but if you turn away and walk away for a couple of minutes, they will show that only a few seconds have passed. If my Legions of Fear are defeated in battle, I will quietly retreat and regroup, and not send random people to sew up the hero. If the key to the hero's chains is around my neck, and his former girlfriend has voluntarily gone to me, and we are alone in my bedroom, and she offers me a glass of wine, I will politely decline the offer. I will not pick up a shining ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" I will take tongs, place it in a container for hazardous equipment and transfer it to my laboratory for study. I will carefully select killers. Anyone who tries to outrun the hero, rather than wait for him to turn his back, is not even considered a candidate. Whatever my only vulnerable spot is, I will come up with another one. For example, I will order all mirrors to be removed from the palace, I will scream and tremble when someone accidentally gets a mirror, etc. At the moment of dramatic denouement, when the hero pulls a mirror out of his sleeve and shoves it in my face, my reaction will be "Hmm... I should shave." My force field generators will be placed inside this field. I will reserve the right to execute any subordinate who looks too smart, strong or freedom-loving. However, if I do this, I will have no reasonable basis to shout "Why am I surrounded by these stupid idiots!" There will be a fire extinguisher in every room. Three, if there are life support systems or volatile chemicals. I will use equipment that simply breaks down when overloaded, and not explode together with the maintenance personnel or, worse, start a chain reaction. I will achieve this using a "surge suppressor" device. I will explain to the guards that their eyes are in front of them, so when ordered to find someone, there is no point in taking out a weapon and slowly backing down the corridor. I will have