TOXIC MOTHER Bashny.Net

Not all women from birth given beauty and not always the ticket in the genetic lottery coincides with the winning combination of the traits of appearance adore at a particular time in a particular place.

Born a skinny girl in today's Mauritania — problems. Born with a foot size 40 in medieval China — the problem. Born in Russia today, with a stocky build...

Beauty is a gift, and even elusive over the years, no matter how you try.

Something uncontrollable and elusive, despite all the advances of plastic surgery and hormone therapy.It would be strange to rely on survival with the help of such a dubious and rare tool. And the power and safety of most traditional societies for thousands of years belonged to the men, what then can bind to itself and give access to resources, if not beauty?

That might help in competition with other women?Manipulation.

 





Just say, as any tool – a knife, medication, dental tools (during the Inquisition tools for dental treatment and torture instruments were basically the same) – the manipulation is just a tool and how to use it depends on the will of manipulating.

Manipulation. They not only depend on appearance, but, unlike beauty, the skill of the manipulator is only growing.

And who got the beauty and the manipulation failed – this went down in history and still excite the imagination of writers, like some kind of Hürrem (Roxolana), who had such influence over the Sultan that easily interfere in his political decisions. Whether she would was a bloody manipulation, if their political ambitions and talents she was able to realize directly, the question is open.

Beauty is the speed of the seizure of power,the manipulation of the reliability of retentionof power.

Passion men-ruler of any rank to the young beauty is short, and no matter how hot the words of his confessions of love, since sexual intimacy works against her. Hence it required very careful decisions when and with whom it is desirable later to have time to germinate and other mechanisms of communication (Anne Boleyn and tried very hard, but alas – important in the manipulation, like any poison, you need a dosage – too much in any direction is fatal, for her it happened in a literal sense).

And here's a big dislike-censure available to women from the sure-all the planning women for dumping on the market. Today, many European workers to migrant workers, ready to work for a bowl of rice instead of a solid paycheck and benefits package. With the same way, the rhetoric of "dirty" people.

The Patriarchal system had a clear message: all men are a resource, all women are rivals: more around tied to you men, smaller women, especially smart, young and beautiful.

And more men that are bound at every level, friendly, sexy, related. The most skilled combine all the levels all in one. No wonder, there are women who rejoice in their nemolodoy or stealth — with their shoulders falls the heavy load of daily female competition and envy.

Today's security albeit on a different level, still depend on men in the first place, it's a different status, married women, status of social security, protection from explicit and implicit attacks condemning. For example, the absence of a formal husband when registration of pregnant women in antenatal consultation, it is still interpreted as a factor of disadvantage in calculating the risk category.

Of course, there are men manipulators such that hoo, but on the basis of the above, women EN masse for centuries, were forced to train this skill. It is automatic and is a response to the very frequent question "it can't be that my mother is purposely doing everything".

It's not on purpose (most often), I mean the woman is not sitting on the eve of talks with husband/son/daughter and build a plan of dialogue is her way of communication.

The skill of manipulation is the skill of "burying" aggression-insults, not the manifestation of it directly, as it is allowed to men in battle-a battle-direct competition, but through such mechanisms, which as they say, not reproach. This is when after talking with toxic mother's adult daughter technically nothing to say, but after a phrase like "Oh, well, of course you can go on vacation with this guy, I have to get used to being the one, who needs old sick mother, it's understandable" — not a pleasant feeling.

The most reliable basis for manipulation — guilt. Guilt is in no way equal respect and even more love. Whether you're surrounded by people you deeply respect and always ready to come to their aid? Do you feel guilty about them? Do wine for respect and help in a difficult situation? There are those whom you love unconditionally without any guilty?

Wine is an effective method of a whip, but toxic for both parties. All of these stamps, "I raised you", "I gave up for you", "for your sake I endured this marriage" — the list is endless – generate guilt for a child with a guarantee of 120%. It's not always the message comes in the form of words, the more complex the personality structure of the manipulator, the thinner they spun a web of guilt. And than it is thinner, the harder it is for the victim to see the problem outside of themselves. And even if we are not talking about the deliberate manipulation of style games the diplomats, and really learned about social automatism — it does not remove the responsibility from the manipulator. In the end, we agree to consider the negligent homicide offence.

Wine binds stronger than anything.Because it is the uncomfortable feeling that the man is willing to do anything to take it off.

What is it they say? The husband did the most useful thing in the economy. And blame the son. As guilty daughter. Blame the son under control. Guilty daughter is not a competitor.

In the absence of the experience of free love from another or from a deep existential fear of loneliness, the woman might cling to those she knows and to many generations before her mechanisms of "binding"

Even if there are no objective threats nor her financial or other security as it was during, for example, Sultanate, when it was important to become Valide – mother of the future Sultan and the son have the maximum impact.

And how would the young wife wailed, "my God, how can you not see that your mother is just manipulating, not dying of a heart attack from the fact that we did not go" — the husband frantically runs to the car to save the mother from certain death, simultaneously angry at heartless wife, however, the mother also warned him about the callousness daughter-in-law...

 





Often men do "can't see these manipulations" — because developing only those skills that are trained. You can argue within the concept of "men are from Mars women are from Venus" if the social, genetic, historical level, all of this is happening, or all together a little, but the average temperature in the hospital suggests that women cope with underwater emotional levels better. The only question is, what direction they send these invisible from the first sight the current.

It is important to note that the daughter in the context of strengthening coping mechanisms of competition is the same figure as other women – even worse, the enemy in the rear. She wins the love of her husband – she told him blood is dearer wife.

While the sacred image of the mother can not touch even in fairy tales and in fairy tales there is a division. One story in different ways – young step-daughter have grown, and the stepmother finds a place of rage, jealousy and envy. But the stepmother just because the image of the mother inviolate. Stepmother is not so common to so many stories hard to roam. Be mad at the mother, competing with her mother – is a direct threat to life, because mother the source of life. Daughter nothing to oppose this attack – usually you have to collect all: illness, excess weight, frequent illness, depressive disorders...

A mother loves, regrets, cares, and stepmother, jealous, jealous and hate. A mother gives birth to light, and stepmother with light ill-wishes. And the most difficult when it is one and the same person who performs a variety of toxic effects with the words "for your own good you need to go at night in the dark forest of fear."

In fairy tales the step-daughter saves only marriage ("I married not for love, but would rather go home" part you can hear). But then in fairy tales, in reality toxic parent has their power through guilt and after the departure of the child from the home, and even after his death. Through the manipulation of guilt is firmly established in the mind of the victim.

On the way out from the web of manipulation may take years of therapy, but it's worth it.

— I did it for you, preparing your favorite dumplings, but you don't eat! How can you to me.
— Yes, I understand that you're very upset. I'm really sorry, but I just ate and now hungry.
How can you treat me?
— I'm really sorry.
— You have never cared about my feelings!
— I see that you're angry right now. I respect your right to any opinion about me and my behavior, even if it does not coincide with mine.

Someone needs several months of training to realize this reference a dialogue of peace and borders. Someone years. The skill of reflection and braking difficult. Those neural connections are growing quickly.

Mother-son anticlimactic. Mother-daughter other competition. Mindfulness and the power of maternal love is of course stronger than the products of social evolution. The ability to reflect and understand the meanings of their feelings and actions, to sacrifice your emotional comfort for the sake of liberty of children is a complex skill that requires hard work. But without his development with a very high probability of social automatisms can take control over the behavior. Weeds always grow easier roses. Human freedom begins where there is the ability to get out of causal connection, where there is the skill of braking pulses and the realization of their behavior.

It is impossible to enforce it outside – you can understand how sometimes you want to children of toxic parents to "reach out and explain," it seems that you just need to find the right words to show your pain and then the stepmother will turn into a mother. But the processes of change are born only from the inside. Or not born...

The gospel metaphor of "Behold, I stand at the door and knock" (Rev. 3: 20) about the powerlessness of God in the face of human freedom of choice, whatever that choice may be.





Wine is actually a very simplified design to explain human actions. Rather, there is the trap of causality and wrong (s) choice(s) at some point in time. But this does not help anyone. The most important thing to realize children of toxic parents is:

• You are not responsible for the difficult childhood/marriage/the lives of your parents.
• You are not to blame that the coming child in this world had needs, mismatched with the resources of the parents.
• You are not to blame for the fact that parents in fact are unable to change their role and found no resources to help themselves — even if they lived in difficult times.
• You are not responsible for the fact that you screamed, beaten, humiliated, tried – you were just a kid, who had no protection mechanisms.
• You are responsible for everything that happened to you in childhood.
• You are responsible for the decision that with all this "legacy" to do...posted

 

Author: Julia Lapina

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

 

Source: www.facebook.com/psychology.lapina/posts/1890059964555582?__mref=message_bubble