When the mind with the heart are at odds Bashny.Net

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You've probably heard about the fact that men often fall in love with one and marry very other, or getting married can fall in love with another, but his wife will never leave? And about women, probably, have heard many times that they often fall in love with scum, but if the head on your shoulders, get married on the calculation, but not for love.

Many women are afraid to be here is such a wife for the calculation, which is deemed appropriate for marriage, and will love others. And more than that men are afraid, are afraid of becoming like that — spare airfields, where the woman is ready to sit down, if all other aerodromes she will have a warm welcome. In nightmares I see men that they will be used as getters and dream about the other or even sleep with other, and even worse they will bring someone else's child and say "your." And the women in his dreams see how her husband would nag her badly-ironed shirt, and at that time, liking the familiar and unfamiliar beauties of social networks. In short, women that men have a very negative attitude to the fact that they can marry without love.

But the problem is the dissonance between the love and desire to marry is much wider and concerns not only for pecuniary reasons. I will try to explain, in principle, this problem happens with which it is associated and what is its dynamics.

Such topics I have repeatedly raised (e.g., one, two, three), describing that most people do not have integration in order for the duty and pleasure coincided. We can say that people are divided into 4 types, is proportional to the level of its maturity (although 3 phase is not necessarily, sometimes after the 2nd is 4th and 3rd is often just a deflection on the way to the 4th):

1. People for whom there is no "need", but only "want".

2. People who have a "need" and it is often not the same as "want", and they make a difficult choice.

3. People who have a "want" and "need", but "should" is always more important than "want".

4. People who have a "want" and it coincides with "should".

For people type 1 "should" is a stupid morality, some people's standards that tries to impose society and parents. Sometimes they have to give in, but only when it is impossible otherwise to get what they want. In all other cases they prefer to do only what you want, and this "want" is almost never coincides with what they "impose" society. Therefore, between people and society is a conflict. They are always victims of the system, and the system is always an exploiter, who tries to eat them. But if you pay attention to what you want such people will be that they themselves want to exploit others and they genuinely believe it is their right, or simply not notice that the benefits are not raining from the sky and earn in other work.

For people 2 types of "need" is still external standards, many of which seem superfluous, but they agree that a certain share reasonable in it, all must try to keep in perspective they are sometimes useful, but mostly it's just a responsibility that many manage to avoid, if the "well settled" and people 2 types dream of to get the same. Between such people and society — a contract which they try sometimes to observe, sometimes break, but the break only when it will not suffer a lot of losses, that is, they have already agreed that "must" is not someone's bare tyranny, and to some extent — an objective necessity, although tedious.

For people 3 types of "necessary" is that it is necessary to do, whatever the difficulty, whatever it takes, because if you do not do is fraught with future problems, the obligatory regret and remorse, and condemnation or even contempt of the people. Would have liked to yield to your "I want", which is often at odds with this "necessary", impossible to give because of momentary pleasure will be replaced by many days and even years of reckoning. Any daring "want" for such people — an enemy and an adversary who tries to confuse their heads, then they have long regretted that went on about his weaknesses and gave "himself". That is, "a", such people are already considered a duty, not pleasure, and this was their duty they coincide with what is objectively considered good in the society, i.e., coincides with the basic ethical norms.

For 4 people type "should be" is "want", that is all that is objectively useful, and gives them immediate pleasure and physical pleasure. Harmful and destructive things are not seductive to them, they push and on the emotional level too, as accustomed to a healthy diet pushes sugary and fatty margarine and the cream on the cake, his receptors recognize this as "tasteless," or for people used to physical activity and lain all day in a stuffy room on the sofa flour, not joy, his body not responding to idleness as to rest, in contrast to those who do not love sports. The same applies to other aspects of life. Integrated personality (and people 4 type — that's it) all that seems bad and unpleasant, it does not overcome the agent 3 when we have to choose between the pleasant and useful or profitable and ethical, for it is pleasant, useful, and profitable seems only ethical. To deceive someone she doesn't want, but not because she's afraid of retribution or condemnation or remorse, and the fact of deception does not seem beneficial to her as it is associated with everything bad. In one word, no gap between "want" and "need" for such a person there.

Now let's see which of the 4 types of people are able to fall in love, but refuse to associate with that person's life (not because the first was rejected, and myself)? One of the 4 types of people "a mind with a heart in trouble", that is, the heart wants one thing and your mind another?

The 1st type of mind and heart at odds. His mind agrees with the heart and always tries to protect him against attempts of others to impose some rules. He rejects any foreign rule, his only rule is "what I want".

But the people of the 2nd and 3rd type can go against their own senses, if their heart and mind argue, and the people of the 2nd and 3rd type that was often. People of the 2nd type will be to make a choice with difficulty, he will always doubt and can rush trying to reconcile heart and mind. And man the 3rd type of, most likely, even doubt, he will make the choice once and then it will be bravely (and even with some pleasure) to suffer until his heart will be aching.

That is, if the person is of the 2nd type, for example, a woman, and she fell in love with an alcoholic or a criminal, or a man who by all reasonable arguments can bring into her life many problems, she will worry and rush about, making the hard choice between reason and desire of the heart, will try to prove to your mind that the alcoholic can stop drinking, and the criminal to be corrected and it can, in the end, choose something that encourages her heart, and can still listen to reason, but this choice has going for it is ambiguous.

If a woman refers to the 3rd type, she knows that her love is the delusion with which she must cope, it is not going to "ruin my life" and even just risk it will not. She feels it her duty to their parents, to future children, who is obliged to provide normal conditions, she feels it her duty to herself, perceiving themselves a little apart from his "I want" and believing that the passion will slowly, but even if I stay on her about she should not go, that is, people 3 types are likely to marry, or marry not, in love with someone, if his beloved is contrary to his plans or whatever what he considers his duty (to him or in front of important friends, doesn't matter)

People 4 types always marry only the one whom he loves, but he never falls in love with that someone for some reason should not be getting married. But man 3-type 2 and especially type fall for your type often.

The most frequent an example of the 3rd type — is a man in love with a very bright, but very flighty and frivolous woman. She can numb it, to captivate, even to completely "blow the roof" of their emotionality and sexuality. But he'll try to pull myself together and leave with her because she doesn't fit in the wife. He tells her "I love you, but I don't see my future wife, I want to have a reliable back, I want to have children, I don't want to live on a powder keg, and spend your life just for the passion." A woman may believe that he is lying about love or that he will regret a hundred times, in fact he can not lie and can never regret if this man is of the 3rd type (here the 2nd type may regret, because until the end and doesn't know what is more important — the heart or mind).

Is it good to choose something that tells the mind when the heart to argue with him?

It all depends on how silly a man's heart. Very stupid heart typical of people with strong self-destructive tendencies, and such tendencies are people whose own resources are very weak, and no proper authorities. That is, for example, if it's a teenager, he has, with high probability will be very weak resources (there are exceptions, some early adolescents are developing their identity, but this is rare), but if he's got normal ideals and authorities, it will be formed in a relatively healthy way, and if he gets in contact with a very bad crowd, then quickly take the self-destructive tendencies. And then his heart can become so stupid and listen to this heart — evil.

In all other cases, when there is no obvious self-destructive tendencies, heart to listen to it. But listen — this does not mean to obey, it means to be with him and to respect him, because otherwise, you can dodushit itself, and to frustration, to depression. What man calls "the heart", referring to a center of impulses and desires, is the power center. And the mind only helps to develop it, and ideally at some point have to integrate heart, when the heart is sufficiently developed.

The people of the 2nd type, the come wish on the throat, which picks out what she wants their mind (also, incidentally, not too smart, really smart because the mind seeks a balance between "must" and "want") often live in the gray, low-energy life, complain of the artificiality, demetilirovannogo, only the futility and vanity.

The people of the 3rd type I can say that their lives have meaning, that "we must not live for pleasure, but for conscience", but they often die from heart attacks (one of the common causes of male heart attacks in 40 years — this is now the desire pressure) or mentally break down (begin to drink or otherwise take the depression). With people 3-type this happens quickly and dramatically, yesterday was happy and suddenly realized that he and I didn't want to live (or went to war, for example).

In a word, while "must" and "want" are not one and between them there is a conflict, you need to very carefully listen to both, try to move in the direction of "need", but be sure to respect and "want", sometimes choose and, in those cases when it doesn't entirely negate the "need".

Going back to what started the post, you can say that to marry is still in love, if you do not want to deprive yourself of energy. But the reverse is not always true: not every love worthy of the man have to get married, sometimes love is like a disease that is better to get rid of. But you should always remember about the weight of possible side effects (to be tracked and mitigated), and that to heal yourself love can only be the most delicate means and not just cut with an axe and corroding of the soul. It's like comparing the work of a neurosurgeon and a butcher. Second, for the treatment of love does not like.  published 

 

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

   

Source: evo-lutio.livejournal.com/77997.html