Whenever we face the necessity to choose, we must remember that is actually before us only two options. The choice in favor of the past or a choice for the future.
The choice in favor of the past. It is a choice in favor of the usual and familiar. In favor of what has happened in our life. Choosing the past, we choose stability and familiar ways, remain confident that tomorrow will be like today. Don't need no change and no effort. All vertices have already been achieved, we can rest on our laurels. Or, alternatively – we were bad and hard. But at least familiar and habitual. And who knows, maybe in the future will be even worse...
The choice for the future. Choosing the future, we select the alarm. Uncertainty and unpredictability. Because the future – present future – impossible to predict. The future cannot be foreseen and predicted, but it is possible to plan. Often, however, planning for the future planning is the endless repetition of the present. No, the present future is uncertainty. Therefore, this choice deprives us of rest, and anxiety settles in the soul... But the development and growth are in the future. In the past it is not past already, and can only be repeated. Others it won't.
So, whenever in a situation of serious (and sometimes not) the choice before us stand the figures of two angels, one of whom's name is Serenity, and the other Alarm. Tranquility indicates a well trodden by you or others on the road. Trouble on the trail, turning to impassable windbreak. That's just the first road leads back and the second forward.
The old Jew Abraham, dying, summoned his children and said to them:
When I die and stand before the Lord, he will not ask me: "Abraham, why were you not Moses?" And will not ask "Abraham, why weren't you Daniel?" He asks me: "Abraham, why were you not Abraham?!".
How to make the right choice? If, as has been said, the real future is impossible to predict how to understand, true to your choice or not
One of the small tragedies of our lives that the correct choice is determined only by the result. which – in the future. and there is no future...being Aware of this situation, people often try this result to program, to play it safe.
"I'll do it when it's pretty clear When there will be a clear alternative..." – and often the decision is delayed forever. Because no one has ever taken a decision tomorrow. "Tomorrow," "later" and "someday" will never come. Decisions are made today. The here and now. And begin to be implemented also at the same time. Not tomorrow. And now.
The gravity of the choice is also determined by the price we have to pay for its implementation. The price is what we are willing to sacrifice in order that our choice was implemented.
Choice without the willingness to pay the price – impulsivity and willingness to accept the role of victim.In this case, having made the decision, but, faced with the need to pay the bills, we start to complain. And look for someone to dump the responsibility.
"If I knew it would be so hard..."
When you begin to understand that taking a decision without thinking about its price. One of the most important questions of life – "is this worth it". The price of altruism – self-neglect. The price of selfishness is loneliness. The price of the desire to be always all good – often the disease and anger at myself.
Realizing the price of choice, we can change it. Or leave it as it is – but not complaining of the consequences and assume all the responsibility.
Responsibility is the willingness to take on the causes of what happened, with you or with someone else (by definition D. A. Leontiev). The recognition of the fact that you are the cause of the events. That what we have now is the result of your free choice.
One of the serious consequences of a choice is that for every "Yes" you always have to "no." choosing one alternative, we close ourselves another.We bring some opportunities to sacrifice for others.
And the more possibilities, the harder we have. The availability of alternatives to us, sometimes literally in pieces... "Must" and "want". "Want" and "want". "Must" and "must". Trying to resolve this conflict, we can resort to the three above.
Trick one: to try and implement two alternatives. To arrange a pursuit of two hares. How it ends – it is known from the same sayings. You will not catch any. Because really, the choice is not made, and we remain in the same place where was before the beginning of the chase. Suffer as a result of both alternatives.
Trick two: make a choice half. Make the decision to take some action to implement it – but thoughts constantly return back to the selection point. "What if the alternative is better?". Often this can be observed in my students. They decided to come to class (because it should), but the soul they do not exist on it being somewhere where we want to be. In the end, they are not in class – only their bodies. And they are not where they want to be – there is only their thoughts. So, for this moment, at this time they do not exist. They are dead to life in the here and now... to Choose half is to die to reality... If we have made a choice – take it out on other alternatives, and engage in business...
Trick three: wait until all the work itself. Not to make any decisions, hoping that some of the alternatives itself will disappear. Or that someone else will make the choices that we declare obvious...
In this case there is a comforting expression, "All that is done – all the best." Not "everything I do", and "all done" – that is committed by itself or by someone else, but not me...
Another magic mantra: "everything will be fine....". Its nice to hear from a close in this difficult time, and that's understandable.
But sometimes we whisper to ourselves, evading decision. Because overcome by fear: what if the decision is hasty? Suddenly it is worth to wait? At least until tomorrow (which, as we know, never comes)... When we wait that all by itself is formed, we can, of course, be right. But often the opposite happens – all by itself is formed, but not as much as we would like.
And there are maximalists and minimalists, which are wonderfully written by B. Schwartz in the book “Paradox of choice”. Maximalists strive to make the best choice – not just to minimize error, but to choose the best alternative of all that is. If you buy a phone, then the best ratio quality-price; or the most expensive; or the new and "advanced". The main thing – that it was "most". In contrast to the maximalists are minimalists. They tend to choose the option that best meets their needs. And telephone, then the need is not "most", and to call and SMS sent and enough. Perfectionism complicates the choice, because there is always a chance that somewhere something will be better. And this thought is haunted by the maximalists.
It can be hard to choose, but the failure of decision-making entails much more serious consequences. this so-called existential fault. of wine to myself on the unused opportunities in the past.Sorry about the lost time... the Pain of unsaid words, unexpressed feelings arising when it is too late... Unborn children... Unselected work... wasted opportunity... the Pain, when it is impossible to win back.
Existential wine – the feeling of betrayal itself.
And from this pain we can hide. For example, to declare loudly that I have no regrets. That all the past I get thrown back without hesitation or looking back. But this is an illusion. Our past is impossible to unhook and throw back. It is possible to ignore it, to repress out of consciousness, to pretend that it is not – but it is impossible to unhook, except that the cost of a complete forgetfulness of self... Wherever we rushed everywhere we drag the wagon their past experience. "It is foolish to regret it." No, sorry silly... Silly, probably, will ignore the fact that when something was wrong. And ignore the resulting feelings. We – the people. And ignore the pain do not know how.
So, while the need for a serious life choice, it is possible to understand the following:
In the past or in the future my choice?
What is the price of my choice (what I'm willing to sacrifice for its implementation)?
My choice is dictated by the maximalism or minimalism?
Am I ready to accept full responsibility for the consequences of the choice for themselves?
Making a choice, do I close all the other alternatives?
Do I chose a whole, or only half?
Finally, there remains the question of the meaning: "Why should I choose?
Author: Ilya Latypov, Gestalt therapist