The actual text of the note the girl

Hello, Oksana.
I was away on business, and not waiting for you, so I leave you a few tips and instructions in writing.
Right on the keyboard is a large white rectangle. This is - an envelope with the documents (important!). Please call the 26th Aksenov and agreed with him that you'll give him the envelope. Phone Aksenov on paper. Aksyonov - it's my right hand, listen to it in every way. Curiously, while I, in turn, is the right hand Aksenov, but the format of the note does not involve arguments about the anatomical paradox. Under the envelope lie five hundred rubles. Take them yourself. That's for everything that happened between us.
Please do not scrape with a fork or something else metallic on a Teflon pan, and use neillyuzorno wooden shovel, which lies in a kitchen drawer. From contact with iron formed Teflon scratches emit terrible yad. If I was Aksyonov, I certainly wrote that from this poison you grow ... x minutes, but I'm an intelligent boy and so I will not scare you, but simply to say that from the Teflon poison you die in terrible agony.
Crane in the bathroom takes a little bit, so keep it turned in a bath, and not sink. If you flood the neighbors below will be like last year. And last year was a new hr *.
Do not forget to feed the cat a can of canned kitiketa day. Sample cans lies in a refrigerator. The cat will be very grateful to you if you yourself kormёzhkoy before you open the jar. By the way, the refrigerator is still a lot of different samples of food and almost all of them can be eaten. Kitiket and other food sold in Pyaterochka next to the house. In addition kitiketa cat eats water. It is better to pour the water boiled - from local raw even adult notable break through diarrhea and medium-sized creatures such as you and your cat and all can break.
If you do not expect calls, the handset can not take. Otherwise, tell everyone that Peter on a business trip, back soon, I'm a poor orphan, watching the cat, know nothing more, good-bye. About that, where, when and why I went no one should know.
In my house may cause visits Green mantis with yellow tail Pyatinogy grandfather with two noses, bald boy in purple glasses and a brown Granny with huge ears. Send the first two tries en * - * is a bunk Oman on the 10th floor, Bald Boy - my friend Valera, give him a bass guitar and a book, and Grandma Brown - a neighbor of the 15-th apartment can go for salt or matches.
If you go from St. Petersburg before I get back, please call me and Leray. I need to report it to the news, and hand over the keys of Leray.
Yes, please, do not water the flowers !!! If you suddenly forget about it and start to water them carefully put the funnel in place, get dressed, go out of the apartment and quietly closed the door: this is not my home, I do not have flowers.
Call if anything, on the mobile. Enjoy your stay in St. Petersburg!