17 sarcastic and cynical jokes for adults Bashny.Net

The website tells jokes, humor which gives a very sarcastic, even cynical, but we all understand... — Doctor, help me infertility!
How do you know?
— Runs in the family.
— In terms of?
Well, my grandfather never had children, my dad didn't have children...
— And you then where?
Voronezh.

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— Your main weakness?
— Correctly interpret the semantics of the question, but ignore its essence.
— Could you give us an example?
— You could have.

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Caught three cowboys Indians: tribal chief, the Indian and Indian, nicknamed Eagle Eye, locked them in the barn and set security. The day passes, the second pass, on the third day look — escaped the Indians.
Cowboys in pursuit caught up with them and ask how they managed to escape. And the leader answers them: "the Day we sit, another day sitting, and on the third day Eagle Eye noticed that there is a barn wall."

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Kiev. Bus. To sitting alone, sad, tired, drawn from Kiev man:
— Dode RA?
All the gold in the world does not Shine brighter than she at this moment! French. A real FRENCHMAN IN HER LIFE! All the end of grey days! Goodbye, Ukrainian men with their hockey, fishing and scattered socks. Now there will be champagne and tango at the foot of the Eiffel tower, the sun white morskaia. And, of course, Chanel... But! But we have to say something!
— Pardon Monsieur! CES que se?
Bus, tell them TO DEPA de?!

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When Bob got into a fight and got punched in the face, he immediately remembered everything he learned from his father.
But the ability to smoke the pork, alas, does not useful in this situation.

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Landed the first earthlings on Mars. The researcher looks at analyzer air and happily says:
— There's plenty of oxygen will be enough for breathing and burning! Come on!..
Pulls out a box of matches, takes out a match, is going to strike, and then out of the blue boulder popping up bug-eyed Martian and shouts: "Nooo!"
An astronaut in a fright throws a match, aboriginal hides.
— Caution! — captain says the researcher. — Maybe in the atmosphere are combustible gases?
The researcher checks the analyzer.
— Nothing, I still try, " he says again, and pulls out a match.
Because of the boulders popping up a crowd of Martians led by the leader, who dressed in long white robes, and shouting "Nooo!", waving his arms.
Maybe the soil is composed of combustible materials, and they are afraid of fire? "said the captain.
— Here is the same soil that was in the landing place, " says the researcher. — Not lighted it from the engines.
He strongly he lights the match. That is burning. Nothing happens.
The Martians turn and walk away.
— Wait! — shouted after the captain, " and why it was impossible to light a match?
The leader turned around to her and says accusingly:
After all, Shabbat!..

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There is a blonde on the market and sees a man selling apples on the bone. Blonde (with a smile):
"Well, someone buys your bones?
— Of course, because apples on the bone increases intellect!
— It's like?
— But you buy and learn 200 rubles per dozen.
Blonde bought a dozen, ate, and said:
— Damn, I'm for 200 rubles could 10 kg of apples to buy, and there are many stones.
— See, just smarter.
— Indeed, let a dozen!

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The commander demonstrates to soldiers the new tank.
— Here, fellow fighters, it's a secret new tank. Petrov.
— I!
— Raise the tank.
Petrov makes an effort, puffed up, does not elevate.
— Not up!
— Sidorov, help Petrov.
Try two of the same situation.
— Not up!
— Ivanov, help.
Puffing, the three of us. I can't lift.
— Does not raise, comrade commander!
— Well, che you want? Forty-six tons!

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— Stepanych, give me the key to 173.211.101.14!
— Catch: AAAAB3NzaC1yc2EA AAADAQABAAABAQCSV tExZCv4TognFVHmYlIxy nyImMk8PtNgPB9T17E8 vAcnYyzf3qZZn4GpAf

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At the meeting the UN representative of Israel.
Before you start, "he says," I would like to make a small excursion into history. A long time ago, as you know, Moses led his people through the desert. It was terribly hot, everyone wanted to drink.
Then Moses struck his staff on the rocky mountain, and she turned into a lake. The people of Judah drank water, and Moses removed his clothes, entered the lake and had a swim. When he came out of the water, his clothes on the shore was not. No doubt it was stolen by the Arabs.
— A blatant lie! — jumped the representative of the Palestinian authority. No Arabs there at the time was not!
"Quite right," nodded the representative of Israel. — From that I would like to begin my speech.

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— The king is naked! — cried the boy.
But no one answered, because the room was only a boy and a king.

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In the Bazaar, the Armenian sells pork. Good guy:
— How much pork?
Armenian:
— Slyuschay! Take It! Heresy pork, fresh, juicy, vkusny! Twenty ryubley!
Man:
— And what to feed?
Armenian:
— Slyuschay, bread fed, oil fed, fed caviar, good pork, all Samy lyuchshe kyushal!
Man:
"You know, I'm actually out of (shows ID), a famine in the country, and you pig feed caviar with butter!
Armenian:
— E! Slyuschay! Take toe kilogram, perturbation desyat, ad kill me, let me trade!
A guy takes five kilograms of leaves. Suitable another man:
— How much pork?
Armenian:
— Ay uvajaemiy! Horeschy pork, twenty ryubley all, take it! Pork juicy, delicious, palchiki lick!
Man:
— And what to feed?
Armenian:
— Slyuschay, oil fed, fed with sawdust, the garbage that naschel, and fed.
Man:
"You know, I'm actually from a sanepidemstantion!
Armenian:
— Slyuschay honey, get that toe of telegram, don't kill me, let's trade!
The man takes the pork out. Suitable third man:
— How much pork?
Armenian:
Twenty ryubley! Take it! Good, juicy, vkusny! You see a pink pork!
Man:
— And what to feed?
Armenian:
— Rubel was given, he went into the dining room. What to eat — BC know!

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The Jew went to work in Unixexpo. There not liking it and decide to get rid of, giving an impossible task. Send to England to sell the Cossacks. In a month the contract to supply a large party of Cossacks.
Send to Japan. Task — to sell the Soviet calculators. In six months: a major contract for the supply to Japan of calculators. All scratched turnip and thought to send it to Africa, on the equator, in the wild country, to sell fur. More than a year — no hearing, nor spirit. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief — gone. But that's coming. Tanned and with a contract to supply a large batch of furs.
All in shock and begin to elicit how he managed to pull that off?
— In England it's simple. Just arrived, walking down the street, towards a typical Jewish face. Shook hands, met, talked. Brought to the right people, went to their lobbyists in the Parliament, held the bill...
In Japan, it was difficult to find a Jew. But when found, met, he brought in the right people, came to the people in the government, passed a law...
And in Africa, the problem was not so much to find the Jew, but rather to create a Parliament and government. And then everything just...

via pikabu.ru/story/anekdotyi_kategorii_b_63_4512538