Why don't the "recipes of happiness" Bashny.Net

Psychologist and psychotherapist Anastasia Bondaruk – why the right and proven techniques gleaned from books and the Internet, sometimes we don't help. Scientific rationality and pragmatism, and gives the knowledge and tips we can say, have become idols of the modern era. People want to know the algorithms, trusting that they will lead them to peace, happiness or harmony. We see this not only in the field of “man-machine”, but in the field of human relations, man's relationship with God. It is often forgotten that the fact that social discourse is called “the human factor”, and maybe “personality”, capable of disrupting the operation of any algorithm. In addition, people persistently focused on the algorithm loses the ability to hear the other, understand their intuition, their feelings, and maybe to ignore the voice of God. Because to think and to do – not always is the aim and meaning of life. Higher meaning – love, and this feeling, state, experience that can lead us to the contemplation...





The Lord leads each of us the ability to love in a special way, and we are looking for a universal methodology. And if anyone found these in science, for example, in psychotherapeutic areas, it risks being in the position: “I know how to,” and not to look around, and deeply into the individuality of each problem, not to see the peculiarity of each person.

Remember the Georgian film anecdote on this subject. One of the Georgians climbed the tree and realized that he was afraid to come down. He began to call for help, and his cries, came running whole village. Here brisk villager started giving instructions: “Take the rope and throw him one end. He tightly strapped. Now all pull him out.” Men pulled, our hero fell from the tree and hurt himself. He started yelling at the chief rescuer, and the answer was: “Yes, and we yesterday Vano from the well pulled, and I know that helped.”

Poet, playwright, bard Alexander Galich has dedicated the following lines:

Fear not prison, fear not scrip,
Don't be afraid of the plague and famine,
And the only fear only,
Who will say, “I know how!”
Who will say, “Go, people follow me
I'll teach you how!

Confession and "I" Demand in society for someone who "knows how" remains very high. How often are we preparing for confession, appeal to the Treasury “the right confession” – the list of sins and find there “something like me”. And then be upset: "I confessed, but has not become easier".

If we confess about someone standard, average, so why should more easily become my individual self? To me it became easier, it is important to look into its depth and wonder: “And here I make a remark to this person how you feel?” What surprised the man replies, “Superiority and their sense of righteousness.”

Why are people surprised? Because I thought: “I want to help.” It turns out, wanted to enjoy their moral superiority.

So our thinking subject knows nothing about our being subject. They are confirming Nezalezhnosti person. And while the human mind making plans, preparing for confession, learning to organize their time in training and studying psychological techniques, the "I" sitting on the sidelines and not getting out. Yes, his thinking often and not calling. But the Lord calls and says that everyone will give the answer for themselves on judgment day. For their "I", not averaged, the average of the sinner, described in the list of sins.





Why don't the "recipes of happiness"

The issue of birth issuesis a Typical situation: a woman comes into the office of a psychotherapist, and one of her first questions: “Tell me, what should I do? My 4 year old daughter I was not listening, give specific advice on how to change the situation in relations with her.”

– Can you tell us about yourself, your relationship with your daughter, I suggest.

Thank you, I understand your question. But I don't have time to sort yourself out. I need specific knowledge on how to proceed in such cases.

Similarly, the analysis of feedback received by me after the release of the next article, can be reduced to the question: “So what to do?” Of course, there are hundreds of methods and challenges of development, numerous tests and exercises, weight circuits, and a well-structured descriptions of problems. Only one question: what does all this have to this particular person and their individual lifestyle and unique features of the outlet.

Indeed, in the questions “What should I do? How do I change relationship with the child?” is not so simple. For example, who is “I”. Because “I” significantly different from each other. Stereotypical thinking tells us: “I am so – I am a mother that cares and worries about your child.” But is it simple? And what “relationship with his daughter”? Who for mother the child?

A very brief list of possible relationships that will end violations:

1. Child for mom "idol". Then why is "idol" needs to listen to his "idolater"? A child acts in the logic of the relationships that creates with him mom.

2. Child to mother "means" to sort things out with her husband and influencing him. Therefore she praises, for example, a son with her husband and scolds her son. Then the child also won't obey – he is so perfect compared to dad. What could be better.

3. Child – the "opportunity" to get through it all that has failed to achieve mother. Then it is mom. And in his thinking whatever he wants he wants and mom. After all, what's good for mom, good for baby. And then he's treating her as property. And with property especially not stand on ceremony, the more she has no right to claim. Beg – still all right.

4. The child is a "burden" that you want to pass on to the shoulders of another. Then he takes revenge on his mother for dislike. Disobedience is his strategy.

5. The child is "disappointed" wanted to raise the ideal. He feels like a loser and believes that all his attempts useless.

6. “I don't want to be the child's authority, we are friends”. That makes sense, then, friends can listen to each other, but are not required to obey.

The list can be continued. And unfortunately, there may not be one or even three correct outputs, and ways of solving problems.

 





 

“I – mom-fairy” Back to the question: “Who am I?”

A young and purposeful mom shared her problem: “you can Not separate the daughter from the breast. She is already at 2.3, it's time. Yes, and it's hard to feed her, milk is almost there”.

I must say that mom's really responsible and pays much attention to children. But... “the First night without the breast was solid tears. The only comforting. And wore on his hands, and tales told, and distracted, and massage done. Asks the chest.”

I will not describe all the twists and turns of this complex process, I can only say that as a result the child started having tantrums and anxiety to be away from his mother, which did not exist. Of course, the question mom was: “What do I do? To separate it from the chest or to wait. And if you separate how, if you wait, how much?”

Yes the issues are important.

– Let us first understand, how do you feel about breastfeeding.

– I appreciate breast milk. I read a lot about its medicinal properties and for their children saw it helps with the disease.

A young woman was talking about milk with admiration, I would say, with reverence. When we agreed to it, she realized:

• Breastfeeding is a special intimacy in the relationship of mother and child.
• It's like some kind of mystery magic. And I like the one that gives it's magic to a child. I almost mystical creature, a magical way to protect his child. I'm a fairy of some kind- so the unfolding of the unconscious fantasies about myself.

This is the answer to the question: who is “I”. Such responses may be as many as people on earth. So to answer the question: “What to do?” or “How to change behavior?” –is meaningless. In this situation to the forefront the question: “How to change the attitude as the attitude of the mother to the situation, to the child, to his influence on the reaction of the child?”

To better understand this issue, imagine that a close and dear person gives you a gift and gives you to understand that this is something very important and valuable. (Do you trust this man, and the experience only confirms your desire to trust him). It makes your relationship more intimate, it takes care of your health almost mystical way. Presented? What do you feel? I –the solemnity, the importance of the gift and our relationship, almost magical protection and pleasure of this gift in my hands.

Specifically conducted a small survey about this. Some added: euphoria, immense gratitude, the intrigue, the feeling of being needed. And all of a sudden, this close person approaches you with a stern expression and said: “I have to get you a gift, presented to you earlier. Give it to me, it is not suitable to your age. Want instead a book or something tasty?”

Your feelings? My respondents described it this way: the pain, the frustration, the desire to understand why, the frustration, the loneliness, the desire to close the protest. And the feeling that you were betrayed with a close and dear person. And while the giver himself believes that his gift is priceless, you will fall under the influence of his faith, his relationship, because this person is dear to you.

It can be summarized that the child will never give up what so admires mother. And if it and tear off from it, for him it would be an intolerable deprivation. There are two common reactions: aggressive output: protests, tantrums, attempts to fight depression: withdrawal, sadness, longing. Which he described participating in the survey.

The method fails the Second story is about how is not working correct methodology without an understanding of depth relationships. The young man addressed the problem of difficult relations with a supervisor. When the Professor was talking to the boys, asked questions, and even more criticized, Yuri was overcome by a feeling of panic.

Head tried with humor to treat a situation with could make fun of Yuri, sometimes in a rather derogatory manner, often found the opportunity to show and assert a superiority, which, of course, was, obviously, but... the Humiliation was sometimes too blatant and obvious.

When it was necessary to prepare for the next report, the jury heard about the following: "I believe in you. You are a promising scientist. Go and believe everything will turn out". But it does not act on the jury, he made a report in a disassembled state, forgetting what wanted to say, worried and blushed.

When I asked him to think about what was happening to him, Yuri realized that he did not believe support to the head, because he understands their superficiality, understand that this tribute needed. A deep relationship is a very sarcastic and sometimes condescending. Maybe it is the share of sympathy, but certainly not a recognition and belief in the promise as a scientist.

And the question is "How to relate to himself Yuri?" is also not superfluous. Therefore, the right words and motivators, actions and recommendations do not work, if the relationship conflict in its depth.





 

“What?” or “How about that?” If we remember the story of Cain and Abel, it is impossible to understand from the point of view of behavior analysis. Mean the first part of it. Each of the brothers made a nearly identical action brought sacrifices to God from their labors. I.e., the understanding of “what to do?” was in everyone.

However, understanding how to treat the victim, to God, only Abel's. Cain had either neglected the importance of love of God and, consequently, to the established order or was not going to understand it, and so gave the place of envy in his heart. “Cain was of the evil and cruel temper, he made a sacrifice only as a ritual without love and fear of God. The Lord did not accept his sacrifice,” we read in the “Law of God” edited by FR. Seraphim.

The attitude is brought forth two terrible act of sacrifice with a cold heart and a brother's murder. Therefore, the deterioration of relations with God it is important to understand what the attitude was before. As to whom I come to God? As to who I should provide, for example, success, growth and development, and I undertake to comply with certain rules? And when God did not fulfill the terms of the contract, I think it necessary to break it unilaterally.

As the Almighty Protector, but for the protection I see the punishment of the enemies. And then the fact that “Susta Hata bila, susd Inca Mila” really upset me. As a neighbor in the past year have made me so-and-so, and lives and rejoices. Feeling deceived. “Where is the justice?” and a lot of options...

It is possible to speak, what to do: “hug All their children 5 times a day.” Imagine the picture: the morning mother was not feeling well, ahead of foremost responsibilities, but the psychologist advised. We need to embrace. With a tired appearance, it is suitable to the child, the child, feeling its condition, tightens and dodges the arms.

Mother angry: “all this effort: a trip to the psychologist, tore himself from the deeds and he does not want”. Her anger is poured on the child. A few such episodes, and the child has formed an experienced performance: “a Hug is br-R-R!” Now, aunt, psychologist, advice, not advise. “Br-R-R” – this is serious.

Based on the opinion of a therapist, pediatrician Vinicola, well not to give the mother advice, and help her to develop my personal maternal instinct. I his opinion is credible, because for forty years of his work at children's hospital Paddington green and Royal Children's hospital Winnicott had to deal with almost sixty thousand infants, children, mothers, fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers. It is important to help people to find their creative outputs.

Who should, when, and under what circumstances? There is a certain contradiction in how the world is engulfed in a desire to understand how to find yourself how to help your child become a and chasing advice. Because meeting with God is possible under the condition that I knew who I was. "Here I am, Lord." Not my “pseudopods” and stereotyped behavioral patterns, are educated on the basis of generally accepted techniques for self-development. This is similar to dual-parent message: “Yes, and if already in the end independent. And do what I say.”

The following specific tips for self-development is incompatible with such notions as insight, catharsis, self-determination, choice, personal responsibility or even maturity. Because we are from childhood is crushed instructions and recommendations, and, behold, stood in the way of maturity, again looking for the magic instruction. The psychotherapist in such cases expressed quite firmly: “You have not yet begun to exist.” Ie you personally have little investment in their their.

If we return to the example with hugs and to ask mother: “why do you hug the child?” The usual answer: “thus says the specialist,” or “I read”.

Yes. Clear. But why do you need this?

– To keep the child well?

– You want to hug him?

– Usually not.

– And he?

–Runs.

– So you do not want, and he doesn't want to, but he should be fine. Is that some kind of magic ritual?

Yeah, Y. B. Gippenreiter spent hugging the first Chapter of his book, but there's the text there is a little PostScript. This may fail if, for example, the child is unwanted or in a relationship with him, there are other difficulties. You can add: if the difficulty was with the parents in relationships with their parents. And who of us have difficulties?

Ie such books, the description of the upper boundaries of the possible, almost ideal. And with the ideal always has the gap. And what it will be specifically in your life, can be understood only by digging into your personal stuff. But then again, not everyone wants, for obvious reasons, and it's a personal thing and everyone's right. But very often the parents come and complain about irritation at Tom read psychological literature: "I do very little". Again: "How do these tips relate to your individual situation?"

Remember how the mother of one child with a disability shared her credible for her face gave advice: “as little As possible to take the child in his arms. Let him lie in the crib. This way you teach a child to independence.” She strictly performed, and then, when it became obvious that the child is sick, it turned out that what to do was absolutely impossible to leave the child alone in bed. So end of knowledge without understanding. “I know how to, but I don't know who should, when, in what quantities and under what circumstances.”

Knowledge and understanding Understanding related to knowledge, but nevertheless is a completely different concept. You can know and not understand, can not understand and close the knowledge, but more dangerous not only to understand what you don't understand. Weber considers the understanding as a way to extract meaning from experience. I.e. in order that the senses worked, called people, they must be born, not impressed.

Kierkegaard said: “Everyone is forced to start over again.” Then a possible meeting with their experience, attitude, and hence the birth of creative output. Then perhaps the birth of the Creator in himself the image and likeness of the Creator. And then creativity is spontaneity, which promises man immortality after death.

The philosopher I. A. Ilyin wrote that man as a spiritual being, often looking for the best, because a mysterious voice calling him to that best, and the desire to respond to the call and looking for ways to best give people the dignity of the spirit, according to his life spiritual meaning and reveal to him the opportunity to create a true culture on earth. The spiritual person seeks to be creative. Understanding associated with the knowledge, but it is important how this work in concrete, individual experience.

To develop the ability to love, ability to be real with God, others can only be subject to meeting and understanding who this “I”. We think this is so obvious. But a dig a little deeper, it turns out as in a fairy tale E. Schwartz “Ordinary miracle”:

“The ancestors. Great-grandparents, great-grandmother, great-uncles, aunts different, forefathers and foremothers. They behaved in life like a pig, I have to answer. They are parasites, that's what I'll tell you, excuse the unintentional sharpness of expression. I am by nature a good-natured, clever, love music, fishing, cats. And suddenly this done, even cry”. Of course, the king is here, in particular, justifies his cruelty.

However, these words are a metaphor for the fact that man does not create and does not cultivate himself. It endlessly learns and implements the imposed patterns of behavior and thinking patterns.

Of course he has free will given by God. But sometimes she is too weak to make their choice. How to strengthen: create person field, where it can understand itself, and trying to define themselves. Where it can be aware of your internal benefit from the strategy: “please Advise”. published

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! © Anastasia Bondaruk Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki

 

Source: pravmir.ru/pochemu-ne-rabotayut-retseptyi-schastya/