Resentment that no one was hurt... Bashny.Net

Today we will talk about confusion. I think this confusion is primarily due to the fact that the offense is real and the imaginary. And it is important to distinguish between them.

So, I share resentment at real and imagined (resentment that no one was hurt).

The real offense is when was the contract partner and the contract is not performed, performed wrong and you damage.

The contract can be both personal and public. For example, the law in this country is a social contract, binding on this country.





 

©Alexander Milov

Imaginary offense (the offense that hasn't been done) – you have no contract, you just expect that the partner will act in a certain way. Perhaps you thought that everything is clear, perhaps people 20 years and did you expect that he will continue to do the same. The main thing – the agreement was not, and so there is no reason to require.

Once again, many can not this thought to learn: was the contract – there is reason to demand, no contract – no reason to ask and be offended, too, for no reason. Offense nobody was hurt.

It is worth to mention that with the imaginary resentment emotions are not imaginary, they are absolutely sincere and absolutely real, not invented. Imaginary is the only reason to be offended. That is, the resentment is very real. But it is not unfounded.

Imaginary insult perceived themselves as having offended the base. Maybe he'll even find a few people who fall into a similar illusion and support it.

99% of grievances is a resentment that no one was hurt. It is our unmet expectations, and not a contract. So we waited, and the man did not. Result common examples:

One friend calls another, and offers to go along to the shop/cinema/cafe (underline). She refuses. Have the first reason to be offended? No such reason! Because the second is a free man, no one can demand that she went to a cafe, if she doesn't want.

The fact that they have 10 years of friends is not a basis for claims and grievances. Why? Because in these 10 years of friendship they had made the agreement that they HAVE each other to go to the cafe. They did it willingly and not under duress. Even if a person 10 years of doing something in good faith, and you hoped that it will continue to do it, then that's your problem, you miscalculated, fell into the illusion, your expectations were inadequate.

The wife resents the husband does the dishes or not embedded in domestic Affairs. Or the husband is offended that dinner is not cooked. What reasons do they have to be offended? They have a marriage contract in which it is written that the wife should cook dinner every day, and the husband should wash the dishes? If no such contract, then the couple doing their homework on a voluntary basis, that is optional. But hurt none of them to each other didn't hurt.

Children resent parents that those something they were given in childhood. Parents gave as much as they could, as they have been. If something didn't, then they were not, they couldn't give. To be offended by it all the same what to take offense at the cat because she barks and guards the house. From your resentment, she will not do what can not. And should not be to blame for your expectations.

Parents resent children because they rarely come, have been neglected. Children live their lives. High time to let them go and do them. The parental resentment is the last desperate way to keep children around him. The children live, they came into this world in order to meet the needs of parents, and in order to live your life. And for parents will make as much as there is gratitude and love.

Should or should not?

Clients often sprashivayte "who owes whom", and I answer. Here are frequently asked questions and frequently given answers:

1. "Well, why not have something? I'm counting on him(her)!"

Expect you or not is entirely your business, you have the right. It doesn't make the other person properly. Again. Our expectations do not make one properly. Try to apply it in the opposite direction, and everything will fall into place. Imagine how you suddenly say:

I was hoping that you'd give me his car to drive/take the money/buy a fur coat...

And I want to say that nobody needs, right?

2. "Well, he(a) always did(a)!"

Yes, made(a) in good faith. Now no longer(a). Nothing to explain, and to tell a joke:

On the street Moshe begging. Abram every day passes by and gives him 5 shekels. This continues for many years, but suddenly one day Abram gives Moshe only one shekel. Moshe exclaims:

– Abramchik! What is it? I'll have something to hurt??

– Moishe, you! Just yesterday I got married and can't be so wasteful.

– People!!! You look at that! He was married yesterday, and I must now be his family!

This fact is unpleasant, but it's really true. We can't guarantee that people will continue to do for us today what he did many years before.

3. "Why do we need to discuss? Yourself(Oh) don't you understand?"

Because not all people think the same as you. Some have the audacity to think and live differently))

4. "So it is accepted!"

So it is accepted where? Who? Your family was so accepted? And their family was – as is customary? Different people have adopted different, that's why people negotiate. If everyone was made equally, we would like the North Koreans in the same clothes and the same haircut. Thank God we are different and we can show it.

5. "So, he(a) doesn't like me!"

This manipulation is called "if you love something, you must." The correct answer is: "Love separately, and the coat separately. Love love the fur coat and not buying, no money". Love is voluntary, love cannot be a duty or obligation.

6. "Yes, well, you psychologists people! You hear so no one owes nothing! If I live, then nothing and never will be, no family, no relations"

If anyone is to do nothing, and never will be, of course. And if you do of debt, some of these relations need to escape. I suggest for the family to do something, but not out of duty, but out of a desire, out of love and gratitude, that is, voluntarily. Then the relationship will not be a heavy burden, but a pleasant meeting.

What to do?

So, we have 2 kinds of grievances, real and imaginary. What to do with a real offense, I wrote in detail in my previous article. And what to do with the offense imaginary?

Very simple. For imaginary offense needed to apologize. We demanded of man that he cannot or does not want to give, right? Demanded unreasonably, right? Accused? It is logical to withdraw his claim and apologize.

– Forgive me, husband, and requiring you to wash the dishes. You're a free man, and decide when you to wash or not to wash at all. Have no right to demand, only have the right to ask you about it. Thank you that sometimes wash.

– Sorry, wife, that wanted dinner. I acted like a small child, could himself to cook. I don't have to cook dinner. Thank you for sometimes doing this.

– I'm sorry, friend, that offended you, like a fucking child. You don't have to walk with me in the cafe upon request. Thank you that sometimes spending time with me.

– Excuse me, the parents that is required of you is impossible. You gave as much as they could. And you no longer have. Thank you for giving. And the rest I will do myself and with other people.

– Excuse me, the children that tried to keep you near him. You don't have to live my life, you have your own. Thank you for what sometimes help.

This situation allows us to restore the disturbed balance and save the relationship. However, I understand how much mental strength is needed to say that. Few have dared to admit his guilt. Resentment obscures his eyes and makes blame on.

And most importantly – in this scenario, we are left alone with their lives. Rather, we recognize that all time was one on one with her, and obsession with other people prevents us to understand it. That is why the person who will find the strength to do so at the time of offense, for me, almost equates to the enlightened.

Resentful – dependent. He's like a child: his mood (and sometimes the opportunity to dine) depends on whether the consent of the other to serve his interests. Resentment is a way to steer their lives indirectly, through the management of others. The scheme is, frankly, unreliable. Others strive to imagine themselves as free individuals and to deal with their lives, to serve their needs.

On the other hand, there is good news. Taking responsibility for their wrongs, we no longer depend on other people. Apologizing, the offended recognizes itself adult and independent, and this means gets the opportunity to steer his life himself, without the unreliable elements in the form of other people.

Conclusion
In order to effectively address their grievances, it is necessary to distinguish real and imaginary grievances. Real grievances demand compensation (detailed mechanism is described here). Imaginary grievances require recognition of guilt and dependence. This work is usually unpleasant and goes through the resistance. Through the ability to treat their imaginary offense comes maturity and independence.published

Author: Alexander Musikhin

P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

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Source: life-up.ru/blog/chto-delat-s-obidoy-obida-kotoruyu-nikto-ne-prichinyal/