Resentment and resentment - what's the difference? Bashny.Net

Although the same root word, the difference is quite significant. On offense I think that experienced absolutely everything, sometimes in the role of the "offended", sometimes as "the oppressor". But resentment is a character trait that is present not all.

Let's start with the offense
Resentment arises when someone does not behave as we expected.

Of course we are talking about the fact that the events in reality, worse, not better than our expectations. For example, you had a friend, a friend, some service. A lift, help, borrowed money. You may be waiting, when you will need a similar service, is familiar on the basis of the principle of "good turn deserves another", will fulfill your request. But when this does not happen in real life, and you face rejection, you have a grievance.




Thus, the offense is the result of our unfulfilled expectations, a feeling of injustice and desire to resolve this injustice. To punish a partner, do not fulfill the expectations. Offended can swear angrily telling how to "live well". Although, perhaps, the most common reaction is offended detachment from the "at fault" partner. This is manifested in the form of a "game of silences", "formalization of communication", "communication to the nerves».

Why is this happening?

This is a way to "hurt", revenge and justice. He wants the offender was as bad as himself.

"At" is not always at this point is directed. For example, if someone is expecting a promotion, and took the post of head of another, something like expectations were not fulfilled the leadership, preferring another candidate. A resent and show their "Fu" to the person who took the place at which the person claimed.

Often, people are offended because I just do not know how to convey their position and their desire to partner. This often can be seen in his personal life, when suddenly one of the "inflated" partners, and a month later found out that the other partner has presented the wrong flowers.

What to do with the offense
From the many opinions heard, they say, with me just so, and I will do the same. Still, most people demonstrate resentment, consider a normal reaction, but often it destroys relationships and a similar reaction is non-constructive. Again the way, many agree, with the result counterargument "and that now nothing to do?».

Let's see, what can you do?

In my opinion, situational offense, is an indicator of the wrong picture of the world, incorrect expectations. And if you take responsibility for yourself, you should analyze and see why there were such expectations and perhaps it makes sense, or they correct, or convey their views to the partner. And above all, you need to understand how there were expectations.

The most common mechanism of projection works, the essence of which is that I put myself in the other person, and ask yourself the question: "How would I have acted in this situation." If he lent me the money, I would have felt obliged to help him in a similar situation. Therefore, since Now, I helped him, I can count on a similar service on his part. It has been formed to partner expectations.

But, my partner, I do not, he may have a different view of the situation. And he does not consider himself something to me to be obliged, just because I helped him today. It turns our expectations are not the same, which can lead to resentment on my part when I was counting on his help (because he has), faced with a refusal.

Therefore, working with offense involves an adjustment of expectations, which will objectify view of the world. The more adequate picture of the world at the person, the more he understands the difference in expectations and the psychology of people, the less likely he is offended.

Another frequent source of expectations may be a familiar pattern of relations for a specific person. For example, a girl brought up in a family where his father showed signs of attention, and the mother and daughter. Daryl flowers, pay compliments and so forth. And she was married to a guy in the family which favors no one showed to her mother. About flowers and gifts was not even the question. And they were married, respectively, it expects favors, which was used, as it has a completely different view of reality. Therefore, it can start to take offense than, in general, and many families are engaged in the first year of marriage. Instead, to understand the difference in expectations and try to find a common denominator. Mutual resentment, one of the reasons that not all marriages have time to celebrate the first anniversary.

Situational offense is familiar to all. But there is a category of people who insult, becoming a leading emotion. At work, not seeing - the offense, the husband is not so done something - offense. The response to any problem - resentment

.
This is a character trait -
touchiness Touchy person is not the person that hurt, a person who wants to take offense.

He purposefully looking at anyone, for anything to take offense. But he who seeks will always find.

This is usually a problem scenario. Man since childhood to be offended. He got what he needs With his touchiness. I think that many children are trying to manipulate their parents with the help of resentment. Just what is wrong, immediately offended. Only they had parents who showed that because they operate not work, others began to indulge in such behavior. As a result, the child has formed a clear mechanism that you want to get "his" offense, throw a tantrum. As an adult, a person sees only one way to be offended others to fulfill his whims. Most people on this behavior does not react, but generally "touchy" always finds a partner with a strong sense of guilt, and further develop their relationship as they used to. One offended the other feels guilty, and performs whims

«touchy." Such resentment leads to passivity, desire to your questions and concerns have decided for you. In the most resentment laid manipulative nature. If I offended someone, I actually have this human model the sense of guilt that will make him do what I want.

Another option resentment, when a child in a child decides that the world and people are unfair to him. And all his life he is trying to prove the correctness of his decision scenario, is always looking for an excuse to take offense and try "fifty shades of" injustice. Taki people prefer psychological games in which they are victims.

What to do?
We propose a method that has proven itself as an effective way to work as a situational grievances and a thin-skinned at all. If a person notices that often offended in different situations, we recommend to have a "resentment Magazine". It is a table that need to be completed every time you have experienced the feeling of resentment.

The situation resentment

Expectations

Error in analysis

Correct Action

The situation of resentment. Describe a situation where you were, and that led to the appearance of your resentment.

Expectations. Determine what you have experienced expectations with respect to the partner in this situation, and that the partner does not fulfill that led to the offense.

Error in analysis. Once a partner has not complied, what we expected, so either we have the wrong expectations, or our behavior was wrong, so, too, partner behaved not as we expected. It is important to determine what went wrong. Techy people, it is important to answer the question why, in this situation, I reacted by using insults.

The correct action. Analyze and determine how it was necessary to behave in this situation, to achieve the desired result. If possible, try to go back to the situation and rehearse a new behavior model.

How to fill in the journal of grievances
The situation resentment

Expectations

Error in analysis

Correct Action

My husband can not stand trash. We have several times to remind him that he did it. I believe that it does not help me at all.

The husband should help the wife in the house. Moreover, he must understand that it is his duty and to do it without reminders. Enduring the trash - it is men's work. In my family did father and brother, without reminders.

The husband was raised in a family where the mother took care of all the housework. Naturally, he does not have the habit to help around the house. But there is a positive thing, he does not mind to do it.

Determine the area of ​​responsibility of the husband in the home. Methodically, and at the same time properly ask him to do something around the house. At the same time avoid accusations and appeals to the established arrangements. Until not develop automaticity.

Today, with my friend Sasha met with two girls. We invited them to a cafe. There Sasha began to make fun of me, and the girls laughed. I was very upset, so that Sasha himself leads. When we communicate one-on-one, it behaves correctly. But when there is a third person, it begins to sneer. Especially with girls.

I'm not making fun of Sasha, and he should not be on me. He did not have to make fun of me at strangers.

Sasha all the time starts to laugh at the people in the company. Especially with girls. Thus, he tries to look original and daring. And without it hard to communicate to him. We've already talked to him about this, but he thinks I'm making this up.

I have two options: do not talk to Sasha, or to communicate one on one. The second learn to respond to his "jokes", so that it went into a plus to me.

To do this, I need to ...

The systematic conduct of this magazine, you will not only significantly reduce your resentment, but also be able to create and implement a plan for their personal correction. When the result of systematic work is guaranteed.